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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 153 December 5 1917 by Various
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VOL. 153.
DECEMBER 5, 1917.
CHARIVARIA.
The announcement of Mr. Justice BRAY that bigamy is rampant at the present time has been drawn to the notice of the FOOD-CONTROLLER, who wishes it to be clearly understood that under no circumstances will the head of a family be allowed a sugar ration for more than one wife.
Lug-worms are being sold at Deal for five shillings a score. They are stated to form an agreeable substitute for macaroni.
A recent applicant to the Warwickshire Appeal Tribunal claimed that he had captured the German shell-less egg trade. He denied that the enemy had purposely allowed it to escape.
A tramp charged at Kingston with begging was wearing three overcoats, two coats, two pair of trousers and an enormous pair of boots. It seems strange that this man should not have realised that he was in a position to earn a handsome salary as a music-hall comedian.
Owing to a cow straying on the line at Acton Bridge last week a goods train was derailed. It seems that the unfortunate animal was not aware that cow-catchers had been abolished.
It is reported that the two thousand taxi-drivers still on strike have decided to offer their services to Sir AUCKLAND GEDDES for munition work. Suitable employment will be found for them in a high-expletive factory.
In New York a club has been started exclusively for golfers. The others insisted on it.
A notice exhibited in the window of a Bermondsey public-house bears the words, "There is nothing like Government Ale." Agreed.
"Shrimps," says a Southern Command Order, "should not be purchased where a long train journey is involved." For soldiers, however, who require this kind of diet little excursions to the seaside can always be arranged for with the C.O.
At Aberavon the other day the son of an interned German was bitten by a dog which he had kicked by accident. The dog of course did not know it was an accident.
We are the first to record the fact that a dear old lady, the other morning, went up to the Tank in Trafalgar Square and offered it a bun.
We should like to deny the rumour that when he heard of Lord ROTHERMERE's appointment to the Air Ministry Lord NORTHCLIFFE muttered, "Alas! my poor brother."
More bread is being eaten than ever, says the FOOD CONTROLLER. It appears that the stuff is now eaten by itself, instead of being spread thinly on butter, as in pre-war days.
The largest telescope in the World has just been erected at the Mount Wilson Observatory in California. Enthusiasts predict that the end of the War will be clearly visible through it.
Owing to scarcity of petrol several fire-brigades have had again to resort to horses. In consequence people who have fires are requested to place their orders at once, as they can only be dealt with in strict rotation.
The prisoner who escaped from the Manchester Assize Court, after being sentenced to three years' imprisonment, has explained that he was just pretending to be a German prisoner.
An awkward situation has arisen through Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW and Mr. GEORGE MOORE having solved the Irish problem in the same week, as one or the other of them is certain to claim the credit of having his solution rejected.
"Blasting" for tin is being carried on in an experimental station in Cornwall. Similar operations are said to be used in searching for sugar.
A DAUGHTER OF LILITH.
But would Sir ARTHUR YAPP approve?
Before starting to save for the above purpose, we should like to know more about this scion of the "foreign aristocracy." We don't want to find ourselves trading with the enemy.
The rev. gentleman cannot believe that his sermons are so dry as all that.
That ought to stop her swanking.
"CAMOUFLAGED ATTACK.
"Paris, Thursday.
And very well camouflaged, too.
LEAVES FROM A LONDON NOTE-BOOK.
BY OUR MAN ABOUT TOWN.
SUGAR CARDS.
A highly-placed official tells me that the discovery that a number of people move about from place to place, that servants sometimes leave their situations, and that households are consequently liable to variation in their personnel, is due to a very smart member of the Sugar Commission, who will be suitably decorated. This discovery, on the very eve of compulsory rationing in other commodities, will mean an immense saving of national funds. Instead of billions, only a few millions of cards will need to be destroyed--a very useful economy.
A GREAT MAYFAIR EFFORT.
The Mayfair Tableaux Association will shortly hold a Fancy Dress Exhibition of Really Beautiful War-workers. The subjects represented will range from CLEOPATRA to BOTTICELLI'S "Primavera," and from SALOME to the Sistine Madonna. Preliminary photographs are about to appear in the Society Press. The particular object of this great sacrifice in the cause of charity has not yet been determined upon, but will be announced in due course.
THE SUBMARINE MENACE.
No significance should be attached to recent statistics of torpedoed ships in view of public announcements to the effect that the submarine menace has been practically scotched.
INTERNATIONAL BOLO.
The British Parliamentary Branch of the International Bolo Club indignantly deny that they have received a single pony, or any less sum, from German sympathisers in support of Pacifist propaganda. They generously recognise that Germany's economical straits are even greater than ours, and they would not willingly, even for the sake of a common cause, put a strain upon the resources of their German friends.
MAHENGE.
The other day I consulted an old friend on the Imperial Staff as to the pronunciation of Mahenge, the scene of our latest victory in East Africa. From the evasive character of his reply I gathered that my inquiry was of the nature of an indiscretion.
THE CABINET AND THE "VICIOUS CIRCLE."
Several members of the Cabinet--the one that doesn't meet--have informed me of their conviction that, in the event of the War lasting on into 1920, there is every prospect of establishing an elementary co-ordination between the various Government departments. Meanwhile they ask me to correct a confusion in the public mind by which the "Vicious Circle" is regarded as a synonym for themselves.
MANHOOD AND MORAL.
TROTSKY'S PEACE OVERTURES.
From private sources, which corroborate the information given to the public, I hear that the Spanish Charg?-d'Affaires at Petrograd is the only member of the Diplomatic Corps in that capital who has taken cognisance of TROTSKY'S overtures . I very much doubt if KING ALFONSO had a hand in this, though he has more than once intimated to me his desire for peace.
LANSDOWNE AND LENIN.
THE PREMIER ABROAD.
In conversation with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE on the occasion of one of his flying visits to England, I learned how much he regretted that pressure of time prevented him while in Italy from running over to Venice and ascending the restored Campanile. While in residence in Paris, however, he had had the pleasure of renewing his acquaintance with the Eiffel Tower.
BROWNING AND SWINBURNE.
O. S.
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