Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 100 April 4 1891 by Various

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I know the house quite well--I've heard Her father's something in the City, And she's a blue-eyed girl absurd- -ly pretty.

Of course it's forward--and indeed It's worse--it's shockingly imprudent Thus to encourage me, a need- -y student.

Her form is shadowy--I must Get out my glasses, so to bring Her nearer. Yes--the range is just The thing!

Life is a farce, without a doubt! The cause of all this fuss and fluster Is just a housemaid shaking out Her duster!

IN THEIR EASTER EGGS.

MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN--

TO DINNER.

The Great Siberian Victim's Aunt, The Godfather of Colonel CODY, And some affinity I can't Recall to DAUDET.

In fine, a Tussaud's once removed, Not waxworks, but their far connections; The names, the attitudes, approved, But mere reflections.

Our hostess, wont to pedigree Her portents, slurred his surname sweetly; So up my smiler tripped--to me Unknown completely.

Thus mystified, I needs must bruit The weather--"It was rainy, rather." "Yes," he rejoined, "It does not suit My Poet-father:

"Strange how the damp affects great men; My nephew, not the Wit, the Artist, You know paints always smartest when It rains the smartest."

"Those delicate young paintresses Of Idyls in Cobalt and Bistre, Though for Impressionist success, Give me my sister.

Reeling with Relatives, I quite My compass lost: to shift our bearing, "Who is the Lady on your right?" Quoth I, despairing.

"That Beauty, like the portraits I've For sale beheld of Miss BELLE BILTON."-- "She? She's the representative, The last, of MILTON!"

The shops! The very thing. I dared The shops. "How wonderful was WHITELEY!" Dazed at the Wizard's name he stared, And shuddered slightly.

A silence froze his ready twang: No more he smiled--from that fell minute, HENRY THE FIRST--to speak in slang-- Was scarcely in it.

That smilelessness! What meant the curse? Who could the skein unravel? I did. This was the Diner "Univers- -ally provided."

Renowned, if nameless--hired to be Salvation of a banquet's ruin, "Monsieur Le Quatorzi?me" took me, And may take you in.

THE MERRY GREEN WOOD.

A Lady wishes to have twice from the country a SUPPLY of LIVE SPARROWS, for a favourite cat.--Address, &c.

There is an uncomfortably blood-thirsty look about this "Lady's" desire to supply her favourite cat with some downright real Sport. For it is to be presumed that she intends her well-cared for pet literally to do the unhappy sparrows to death in the most approved fashion. How will she manage it? Clip their wings, and set them on the drawing-room floor; or tie strings to their legs, and let the favourite cat "go for them?" Cats must be fed. But it is not necessary to provide them with a "Supply of Live Sparrows" twice, or even once. We submit the subject to the notice of the S.P.C.A.

OUR OPENING DAY!

LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.

Sir,--I have been in communication with headquarters, and I am informed that you are looking out for a Constituency at the next General Election. We have been for some time past endeavouring to find a Candidate for this Borough, and should be glad to hear if we may submit your name to the consideration of our local Council. The political history of Billsbury must be known to you. Up to the date of the last election we have always been represented by a Conservative. In fact, Billsbury was always looked upon as an impregnable fortress of sound Constitutional opinion.

Our late Member, however, was unable to devote to the Constituency the time and attention it required. Moreover, I may mention in strict confidence, that his conduct over the Billsbury Main Drainage Scheme alienated a considerable number of his supporters, and the consequence was that at the last election Sir THOMAS CHUBSON, the Liberal Candidate and present Member for Billsbury, was elected by a majority of 279. Since then, however, the Party has rallied, the divisions in our ranks have been healed, the registrations have been very much in our favour, and there is no reason to doubt that, as soon as Billsbury has the chance, she will return to her ancient allegiance. I shall be in London the day after to-morrow , and shall do myself the honour of calling upon you. Kindly let me know where and when I can see you. I shall be glad to afford you any further information.

Yours faithfully, JAMES TOLLAND,

I dashed off at once to the Central Association. They urged me to accept, and told me that even if I failed, which they said was extremely unlikely, my fight would give me "an irresistible claim on the Party." Afterwards saw VULLIAMY, the Member for one of the Pinkshire Divisions. He said "Take it? Of course you must. Ridiculous to hesitate. A youngster like you, who only left College four years ago, ought to be proud of the chance. If you're beaten you'll have a claim on the Party, and mind you don't let 'em forget it. Curse them, they never think of a man's valuable services if he doesn't keep on reminding them himself;" and then he drivelled on for a quarter of an hour about all he'd done for the Party, and how "the shabby beggars" had refused his nephew the Morterton Recordership. It seems the other side manage their business much better. Next I called on Uncle HENRY in the City. He said he'd stick to his promise of paying half my expenses, but wouldn't help me to nurse the place. However, I daresay that won't cost much. Eventually wrote to Old TOLLAND, and asked him to call at my Chambers on Thursday at 3 o'clock. Then went home and told my mother. She said, "My darling boy, I knew you would be distinguished. I knew it all along. If your dear father had only lived, he would have been a proud man to-day. Now, mind you have that horrid grating removed from the Ladies' Gallery." And with that she kissed me and rang for cook to tell her the news. I sloped.

On Thursday Old TOLLAND called. It seems he's an Alderman, and I only addressed him as plain Esquire. He wanted to know, What were my views on the Labour Question? Was I an Eight Hours' man? How about Vaccination and Woman's Suffrage? and all kinds of other rubbish. I had to beat about a good deal, and answer generally, but at last I consented to address the Council, and to-morrow was fixed as the day. If accepted, I shall have to come before a Mass Meeting, and go through it all again. It all seems rather roundabout, but I suppose it's the usual way.

THE RIGHTS OF COUNSEL.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

In course of lecture CAMERON produces sort of pocket-pistol; explains it's the thing you work the electric call with. You press a button here, and up comes a tumbler of milk and soda; another button, and you have a sausage and a hot potato; a third, and your boots are suddenly pulled off by an unseen agency; a fourth, and you find yourself seated in a hansom cab, with eighteenpence pressed into your hand to pay your fare withal; a fifth, and you're awakened at four o'clock in the morning with an apology. Something, you learn, went wrong with the machine, and it was the gentleman on the next floor who ought to have been called at this hour.

"What's RAIKES' loss is our GANE," says WILFRID LAWSON.

Must think this over during the Recess.

For awhile RAIKES had peace; quite forgotten whilst House, falling into GANE's attitude, listened to CAMERON's fairy tale.

At one time seemed that whilst we were certainly here to-day, we wouldn't be gone till to-morrow. Tithe Bill in last stage took a lot of fighting over. House wouldn't have Electoral Disabilities Removal Bill or the Savings Bank Bill at any price.

"Then I'll move the adjournment," paid OLD MORALITY, in despair.

"Not till you've heard my speech," said Dr. CLARK; pulled out manuscript from breast coat-pocket, began descanting on the under-pay of Civil Servants in Scotland, whilst TYSSEN AMHERST folded his tent like the Arab, and as silently stole away. Example followed generally by Members in all parts of the House. CLARK thoroughly enjoying himself, composedly went on to end of speech, and then adjournment. SPEAKER "kept in" till Thursday to take part in ceremony of Royal Commission. Rest off, and won't be back till Monday, 6th of April.

CRITICISING THE CALENDAR.

SIR,--The suggestion of your Correspondent "EASTER EGG," who wishes Easter to be a fixed festival, always coming on April 20, is excellent. At present, Easter-tide, like the other tide, depends on the moon. What a humiliating confession! Why should we any longer consent to be the slaves of the Science of Astronomy?

Yours, REFORMING SPIRIT.

Yours, gloomily, TRUE PHILANTHROPIST.

Yours, exasperatedly, FOND PARENT.

SIR,--As peeple are riting lettres to you about the Easter holy-days, I should like you to put in what old BOREHAM--he's our Principul--has been doing. We all think it a thundring shame. He kept us grinding away right through Good Friday, Easter Monday, and means us to go on several weeks afterwards! The result was we had about half a Hot Cross-Bun each! Old BOREHAM akshally fixed Easter Monday for going over all the Latin irreglur verbs. Pleese would you say something in your valyble collums about old BOREHAM, and oblige

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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