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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 152 June 27 1917 1917 Almanack by Various
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Ebook has 98 lines and 8167 words, and 2 pages
"The chief of the police thereupon shakes you by the hand and apologises. You indicate that it will now be your life's work to bring the assassin, Bill, to justice, and then you quit. I should mention that before leaving you fall in love with Mignon, and promise that on your return you'll marry her at once. That parting scene will want a bit of acting. Your countenance must show successive degrees of pain, as if you had eaten something that was disagreeing with your digestion; and you mustn't omit the most effective suffering expression of all--chin raised, mouth open, eyelids closed tightly--just as if you were about to sneeze. You'll find your experience on the stage quite useful, you know."
"Oh, quite, quite," agreed Percy.
"Now you are out in the street. You seize the first motor-car at hand, and start off on the grand hunt after Bill. Through the crowded streets, out into the country highway, you fly at a terrific speed. Up the mountain passes you race, down precipitous slopes with every-increasing momentum. Every moment, it seems, will be your last. But you come safely through."
"Certainly," said Percy.
"That is to say--almost. Unfortunately, in turning a sharp corner, the car plunges into the waters of a rapid mountain torrent!"
"Dear, dear!" said Percy.
"But you come safely through--"
Percy heaved a sigh of relief.
"You are seen falling, falling, falling, still in your car, with the descending cataract. Over and over you are turned in the seething waters, dashed against rocks, hurled through ravines, and finally you are given a sheer drop down a perpendicular waterfall of three hundred feet. Out of the white foam formed in the bed of the waters you emerge swimming strongly hand over hand, until at last you reach the broad waters of the placid river, and finally the shore. Here you notice a train passing some little distance away, and in it, gazing out of one of the windows, you observe--Bill, the murderer! You at once start in pursuit; by a superb effort you catch up the train, and just succeed in swinging yourself safely on board. You can do a little sprinting, I suppose?"
"I could give an ordinary train a bit of a start, no doubt," said Percy with confidence.
"Just so," pursued the producer. "And now you find yourself confronting the miscreant, Bill. The train is passing through a city. It is on the elevated railway. Bill makes a dash for the door, springs out, and lands on the roof of a house. You follow him--your leap being considerably greater, because between his jump and yours the train has proceeded a certain distance."
"Precisely," said Percy.
"Now there is a scramble over the roof-tops. You climb up pipes, slide down slates, leap across spaces between separate houses, cling to coping stones, and all that sort of thing."
"I grasp the idea," said Percy.
"At last Bill is seized with a notion. He throws himself on to the telephone wires, and, hanging by his hands, manages to convey himself across to the houses on the opposite side of the road. You imitate him. As Bill arrives on the other side, he turns and cuts the wires on which you are crossing. Before the ends of the wires fall, however, you turn a quick somersault and land beside Bill. Once more there is a race over the roofs until Bill reaches a factory chimney. Down the shaft he dives. So do you. Into the furnace below, then out of it, the chase continues--it doesn't pause for a moment."
"Not a moment," echoed Percy as in a trance.
"Yes, it does, for you and Bill have dragged out of the furnace some of the burning coal; this has caught some inflammable material, and soon the whole factory is alight. Now you rush round to alarm the workers. And what do you find? Mignon! She had gone out into the world to earn her own bread, and had found employment in this factory. The manager of the factory, an arch villain, had noted Mignon's beauty, and just as you arrive he is dragging her away. You snatch Mignon from his grasp. At that moment Bill comes up, takes in the situation, seizes the treacherous manager, and flings him into the devouring flames. Then Bill assists you to carry Mignon through the suffocating smoke out to safety, but as you disappear the now dying manager draws his revolver and fires after you. You are struck by the bullet, but bear up until, with Bill's help, you have brought Mignon out of danger. Then you faint away."
"Not till then?" said Percy.
"That's fine!" said Percy. "When would you like me to start?"
"A week from now."
"Good. That will give me a nice opportunity to get fit, and to have one last good time in case any unforeseen mishap should occur in the course of rehearsal. Of course I see no reason whatever to anticipate any accident, but they have been known to happen under circumstances even more commonplace, if that were possible."
THE EVICTION OF AN ENEMY IN OUR MIDST.
THE EVICTION OF AN ENEMY IN OUR MIDST.
THE TRUCE--AND AFTER.
This year at ease on Ben Macquhair Couches a certain stag; Fearless he sniffs his native air Because he knows I can't be there To scare him off his crag.
This year his instinct Tells him by subtle signs No bullet loosed by me shall come Shattering earth below his tum Or whistling through his tines.
Yet little knows he why the hill Misses my wonted feet, Or how I've learned a lethal skill At mimic butts that bodes him ill When next I stalk his beat.
I trow that he would swoon for fright Upon the purple ling To know that in a decent light I'd undertake the death, at sight, Of any living thing.
O not for nothing do I grow Efficient, eye and hand, Schooling myself to strike a blow In home defence against a foe That never means to land.
Some fruit of toil there yet shall be For this poor volunteer; When War's abatement sets him free From bloodless duties, I foresee A deadly time for deer!
O.S.
FIRST SERIES. AT THE FRONT.
AT THE FRONT.
AT THE FRONT.
AT THE FRONT.
SECOND SERIES. IN FRONT OF THE FRONT.
SOME OF THE ENEMY'S UNFULFILLED ANTICIPATIONS.
IN FRONT OF THE FRONT.
IN FRONT OF THE FRONT.
IN FRONT OF THE FRONT.
FASHIONS IN THE NEW GERMANY.
HYGIEIA AND THE CHEMIST.
A ROYAL FOUR-BALL MATCH.
ST. HELENA GOLF COURSE.
"The life of our royal captives in the internment camp at St. Helena is the subject of a report from the Governor of the Island, which was issued last night as a Purple Paper. The Governor, after dealing with general matters, writes:--
There was an old Tsar of Bulgaria Who climbed like a climbing wistaria; He spread and he spread Till he had to be bled With a view to reducing his area.
THE "FORTRESS" OF LONDON.
THE "FORTRESS" OF LONDON.
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