Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 100 April 25 1891 by Various

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Yet one thing would I gladly learn-- Yes, tell me quickly, if you can-- Shall I be also, in my turn, The Other Man?

THE KEY TO A LOCK.

Take yonder lock of tangled hair, A silver seamed with sable, Dim harbinger from dreamland fair Of reverie and fable;

Yes, grandson mine, the treasure take, A trinket loved, if little, And wear it, darling, for my sake, In yonder locket brittle;

Small, as my banker's balance, small And faint--a touching token; My luck, the lock, the locket, all Seem, child, a trifle broken.

Investments, boy, are looking glum; They flit and fade; in fine a Not inconsiderable sum Has gone to--Argentina.

Because, you see, when strong and sage You grow, and all the serried Lights of the great Victorian age With me are quenched and buried;

When other men in other days Walk paramount--then shall you Submit the thing to such as praise The Past, its relics value.

You'll vaunt that one who knew the grand Victorian Stars, and rather Deserved himself to join the band ,

You'll catalogue it, as befalls Your choice, my little gran'son; You'll bear it to the deathless halls Of CHRISTIE, WOODS, AND MANSON.

So, when the fateful hammer sounds, And you have cashed in rhino A cheque for, haply, forty pounds, You'll bless your grandsire, I know;

BACCHUS OUTWITTED; OR, THE TRIUMPH OF SOBRIETY.

"I really think the experiment should be made," said the Professor. "Our knowledge on the subject is so imperfect, that nothing definite can be accurately pronounced."

"True enough," replied one of his friends; "but although the end to be attained is excellent, may not the means be termed by the scrupulous 'questionable?'"

"And the expense," observed a second of his intimates, "will be no small consideration. If we put the matter to a thorough test, a large quantity--a very large quantity of the necessary liquid will have to be purchased and disposed of. Am I not right in hazarding this supposition?"

"Undoubtedly," responded the Professor, "and the cost will be enhanced by the fact that the necessary liquids will have to be of the best possible quality. As Dr. PAVEY observed before the Committee 'It is not the alcohol in itself that is injurious, but the by-products.' Our aim must be to eliminate the by-products."

"I think the idea first-rate," said the third friend; and then he paused and added, seemingly as an after-thought, "Pass the bottle."

So the Professor and his three companions decided to make the investigation in the cause of scientific research. It was resolved that after a week they should meet again, and that in the meanwhile they should in their own persons carry on the experiment continuously. When this had been arranged the friends parted company.

At the appointed time the contemplated gathering became a concrete fact. The Professor's friends were the first to appear at the rendezvous. They were unsteady as to their gait, their neckties were in disorder and their hair falling carelessly over their eyes, added a fresh impediment to an eyesight that seemingly was temporarily defective. They sank into three chairs regarding one another with a smile that gradually resolved itself into a frown. Then they filled up the pause caused by the non-appearance of the Professor by weeping silently. Their emotion was not of long duration, as the originator of the experiment was soon in their midst. He seemed to be in excellent health and spirits.

"My dear friend," he said, and it was noticeable that he was prone to clip his words, and to use the singular, in lieu of the plural, when the latter would have been more conventional, "My dear friend, glad see you all. Hope you well."

His comrades received the well-meant greeting with a resentful frown, which ended in further weeping.

"This very painful," continued the Professor, resting his hand somewhat heavily on the back of a chair; "very painful indeed! Fact is, you been taking wrong things!"

His friends sorrowfully shook their heads negatively.

"Yes you have! Sure of it! You, Sir--imbibed whiskey! No harm in good whiskey--excellent thing, good whiskey! But injuriverius--should say, injurious--if has too much flavour of malt! Your whiskey too much flavour of malt! You took brandy--bad brandy--too much taste of grapes! You took rum--bad rum--too much mo--mo--molasses! Now I took all three--whiskey, brandy, rum, but pure--no by-products. No, not at all. Result! See! Sober as judge!"

And, succumbing to a sudden desire for slumber, the Professor, at this point of his discourse, joined his friends under the table!

LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.

The Mass Meeting went off well enough. The Assembly Rooms were crammed. I was adopted as Candidate almost unanimously, only ten hands being held up against me. One or two questions were asked--one about local option, which rather stumped me--but I managed to express great sympathy with the Temperance party without, I hope, offending publicans.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

SEXTON managed admirably; kept one eye on SPEAKER, who from time to time moved uneasily in chair. Whenever he looked like going to interrupt, SEXTON lapsed into interrogatory, which put him in order; then went on again, patronising JOHN MOWBRAY, posing as champion of privileges of House, and so thoroughly enjoying himself, that only a particularly cantankerous person could have complained. Still, it was a little long. "This isn't SEXTON'S funeral, is it?" HARCOURT asked, in loud whisper.

"No," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN; "it was meant to be STALBRIDGE'S; but I fancy SEXTON will save him from full inconvenience of the ceremony."

So it turned out; House tired of business long before Windbag SEXTON had blown himself out. Poor JOHN MOWBRAY admittedly flabberghasted by the interminable string of questions under which SEXTON had tried to disguise his speech. STALBRIDGE got off without direct censure, and DONALD CAMERON abruptly turned the conversation in the direction of Opium.

"But, O the heavy change, now thou art gone, Now thou art gone, and never must return!"

Then, from bench below him, uprises a bent, slight figure, looking less like a man of war than most things. A low, quiet voice, sounds clearly through the House, and Mr. MAURICE HEALY is discovered denying Brer FOX'S right to speak on this or any other public question for the constituency of Cork.

"If he has any doubt on this subject," the mild-looking young man continued, "let him keep the promise he made to me about contesting the seat."

That was all; only two sentences; but the thundering cheers that rang through House told how they had gone home.

"Same eyes, anyhow," said Mr. JARRATT, getting back to the safety of his chair with alacrity.

GRANDOLPH sat awhile in corner seat, stroking his beard, to the manifest chagrin of his jilted moustache.

"Awfully dull," he said. "Glad I'm off to other climes; don't know whether I shall come back at all. If Mashonaland wants a King, and insists upon my accepting the Crown, not sure I shall refuse."

"GRANDOLPH seems hipped," said WARING, watching him as he swung through the Lobby. "It's the beard. Never been the same man since he grew it.

"There was a Young Man with a beard, Who said, 'It is just as I feared! Two Owls and a Hen, four Larks and a Wren, Have all built their nests in my beard.'"

--> NOTICE.--Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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