Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 152 March 21 1917 by Various

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It was then that Ella Reeve came in.

Accompanied by two expensive-looking men, whose ancestors had beyond any doubt crossed the Red Sea with Moses, this new and glittering star, who had but just "made good," or "got over," or "clicked" , walked confidently to a distant table which was being held in reserve for her party, and drew off her gloves with the happy anticipatory assurance of one who is about to lunch a little too well.

The impact of the lady on this gentleman was terrific.

"Look, look!" he said. "That's Ella Reeve, one of my discoveries. She was principal boy at Blackpool two years ago. I put her there. She got fifteen pounds a week, and to-day she gets two hundred. I spotted her in a chorus, asked her to call and see me, and this is the result. I made her. There's nothing she wouldn't do for me, she's so grateful. If she knew I was in the room she'd be over here in a jiffy."

Having told us all this, he, being a very normal man, told it again, all the while craning his neck in the hope that his old client might catch sight of his dear face. But she was far too much occupied either with the lobster on her plate or with the yellow fluid, strange to me, that moved restlessly in a long-stemmed shallow glass at her side.

And then, being, as I say, not in any way an eccentric or exorbitant character, the agent told it us a third time, with a digression here and there as to the deep friendships that members of his profession could form and cement if only they were decent fellows and not mere money-grubbing machines out for nothing but their commission. "That's what the wise man does," he concluded; "he makes real friends with his clients, such as I did with Ella Reeve. The result is we never had any hitches, and there's nothing she wouldn't do for me. She's a darling!"

Getting a little tired of this, but obviously anything but unwilling to shake the new star's slender hand and listen to the vivacious flow of speech from such attractive lips, my friend said at last, "Well, as you and she are such pals, and as she has only to know that you are here to jump over the tables to get to you, why not send your card to her?"

The agent agreed, and we watched the waiter threading his way among the tables towards that one at which the new and grateful star was seated and hand the card to her.

The end of this story is so tragic that I should prefer not to tell it.

Ella Reeve took the card, read it, laid it down, and resumed conversation with her friends. She did not even glance in our direction.

I felt sorry for the agent, whose mortification was very real, though he made a brave effort to carry it off; and now that he is dead I feel sorrier. As for Ella Reeve I often see her, under her true style, in her triumphs, and I always wonder whether her treatment of the agent, or his assurance of her dependence on his cordiality, represents more nearly the truth. She looks such a good sort. Some day, when the War is over, I must acquire a shiny tall hat and a glossy shirt front and a youthful manner and get someone to introduce me, and then, bit by bit, extract the truth.

Meanwhile the fact remains that it is dangerous to boast.

"JAPANESE POLITICS.

We wouldn't be the Food Controller in Japan for anything.

A modern improvement, we suppose, on "the cow with the iron tail."

KIPLING was right, East is East and West is West.

The petrol shortage evidently extends to India.

Irishmen may justifiably resent this cynicism on the part of an old friend.

GOLD BRAID.

Same old crossing, same old boat, Same old dust round Rouen way, Same old narsty one-franc note, Same old "Mercy, sivvoo play;" Same old scramble up the line, Same old 'orse-box, same old stror, Same old weather, wet or fine, Same old blooming War.

I'm not a soldier natural, No more than most of us to-day; I runs a business with a pal Fulham way; Greengrocery--the cabbages And fruit and things I take meself, And she has daffs and crocuses A-smiling on a shelf.

"Blighty," I thinks. The doctor knows; 'E talks of punctured damn-the-things. It's me for Blighty. Down I goes; I ain't a singer, but I sings; "Oh, 'oo goes 'ome?" I sort of 'ums; "Oh, 'oo's for dear old England's shores?" And by-and-by Southampton comes-- "Blighty!" I says and roars.

I s'pose I thort I done my bit; I s'pose I thort the War would stop; I saw myself a-getting fit With Missis at the little shop; The same like as it used to be, The same old markets, same old crowd. The same old marrers, same old me, But 'er as proud as proud....

The regiment is where it was, I'm in the same old ninth platoon; New faces most, and keen becos They 'ope the thing is ending soon; I ain't complaining, mind, but still, When later on some newish bloke Stops one and laughs, "A blighty, Bill," I'll wonder, "Where's the joke?"

All the same, he refused to adopt a 1/2 measure.

Particularly since our airmen ceased to give it any quarter.

From an official notice of the sale of an enemy business:--

"Lot 2. The goodwill of the business of the company attaching to goods shipped from England to Nigeria, marked with the unregistered or common-law trade-marks known as 'Eagle on Rocks' and 'Lion and Flag.'"

We are not surprised to hear of the "Eagle on Rocks" when it had the "Lion and Flag" after it.

THE JOY-RIDER AT THE FRONT.

"Since the good man, RAMSAY MACDONALD, while touring in the East Went out to shoot the tiger, that homicidal beast, The most electrifying humanitarian stunt Has been my khaki joy-ride along the British Front.

"It wasn't my own suggestion; I went as the Government's guest, Invited to see how the brass-hats were running the show on the West; I've never been sweet on soldiers, but I only went for a week, And it gave me heaps of chances of studying war technique.

"If they really thought to convert me by the loan of a khaki suit, Or by conferring upon me the right to claim a salute, It wouldn't at all surprise me, for dullards have always tried To bribe true men of genius to take the popular side.

"Well, I went, I saw, I 'joy-rode,' and my verdict remains the same; There's no use having a country unless she's always to blame; For of all the appalling prospects that human life can lend The worst is to be unable to play the candid friend.

"Men talk of France, the Martyr; of her precious blood outpoured; Of the innocent helpless victims of the brutal Hunnish horde; Presuming, insensate idiots, to label as beast and brute The race that has always held me in the very highest repute!

"While France has failed completely, at least in those later days, To show appreciation of my Prefaces and Plays; It wouldn't be therefore worthy of a genuine superman To show undue compassion for the sorrows of 'Marianne.'

"And as for the sheer destruction of noble and ancient fanes Which the prejudiced Hun-hater indignantly arraigns, The simple truth compels me in honesty to state That the style of some ruined buildings was utterly second-rate.

"But to quit these trivial matters--let weaklings wail and weep, The loss of a few cathedrals will never affect my sleep-- What lifts this Armageddon to an altitude sublime Is the crowning fact that it gave me a perfectly glorious time.

"As an ultra-neutral observer I entered the battle zone And emerged unmoved, unshaken, with a heart as cool as a stone; No sight could touch or daunt me, no sound my soul untune; From pity or tears or sorrow I still remained immune.

"I inspected the great war-engine, and, instead of its going strong, I saw that in each of its workings there was always something wrong; In fact, with the old black powder and the obsolete Brown Bess The chances of missing your target were infinitely less.

"The so-called arm of precision scores only by lucky hits, Though the 'heavies' and high explosives may possibly blow you to bits; I saw one corpse on my 'joy-ride,' the head had been blown away, And the thought of this painless ending produced in me no dismay."

"GREAT WHITE SALE.

We respect this reticence.

If that is really the object, why hurry?

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

The HOME SECRETARY is regarded by those who do not know him intimately as a somewhat austere person, but given the right atmosphere he can be as lively as anybody. Questioned about the reopening of Ciro's, he betrayed a minute acquaintance with the details of its programme. I was beginning to wonder if he were related to that famous Early-Victorian family, the Caves of Harmony, when his knowledge broke down. On being asked by his old friend Mr. BUTCHER to define a cabaret-entertainment he was nonplussed, and could only refer him to Colonel LOCKWOOD as a probable authority.

No one was more delighted at Mr. BONAR LAW'S announcement of the capture of Baghdad than the Member for Cockermouth, who knows the region well. Mesopotamia may or may not be the Garden of Eden, but Baghdad was at one time unquestionably the abode of BLISS.

A grave statement by Mr. MACPHERSON as to the recent losses of the Royal Flying Corps on the Western Front, and the increased activity of the German airmen, created some natural depression, which might have been more pronounced had not Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING seized the occasion to reiterate his charges of "Murder" already condemned as baseless by two judicial tribunals. The House will do anything in reason, but it refuses to accompany Mr. BILLING in his flights of imagination.

But his best card was his last, when, after a tribute to Mr. ASQUITH'S "loyalty to colleagues," which roused tremendous cheering from the Liberals, he invited the late Prime Minister to cast his vote with the Government. Mr. ASQUITH did even more, for at the end of a speech, critical but not censorious, he suggested an amendment to the Resolution which enabled his Free Trade followers to "save their face." A few stalwarts from Lancashire insisted none the less on taking a division, and were joined on general principles by the Nationalists and other habitual malcontents. But India, the Government and Mr. ASQUITH had the comfortable majority of 140.

It would be interesting to know how many Members of the House of Commons have volunteered under the National Service scheme. I only know of one; that is Dr. MACNAMARA, who modestly avowed the fact when challenged by Mr. PRINGLE, though I doubt whether the Admiralty will consent to dispense with his services. On the other hand I only know of one who has not; and that is Mr. PRINGLE himself, who, on the same challenge being put to him, replied, "No, and don't intend." There is evidently someone, possibly Mr. HOGGE, who thinks Mr. PRINGLE'S present services indispensable to the winning of the War.

WINGED VICTORY.

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