Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 152 January 31 1917 by Various

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THE SMILE OF VICTORY.

Though LODGE in the Senate makes critical speeches And ROOSEVELT belligerent heresy preaches, Though Suffragist pickets keep guard at its portals-- Undismayed and unshaken the PRESIDENT chortles.

He "smiles" at them "broadly" and then hurries off To type a new Note, or perhaps to play golf; And, while studying closely his putts, to explore The obscurity shrouding the roots of the War.

To cope with emergency once in a way Is nothing to facing it every day; And that's where the PRESIDENT'S greatness is seen, He's consistently cheerful and calm and serene.

O happy idealist! Others may weep At the crimes and the horrors that murder their sleep; You've two perfect specifics your cares to beguile-- An oracular phrase, an implacable smile.

The answer is "Because there's a 'b' in both."

With a little rearrangement we can gather the general drift of the paragraph. But "boat-constrictor" puzzles us. Is it a new kind of submarine?

THE INFANTRYMAN.

The gunner rides on horseback, he lives in luxury, The sapper has his dug-out as cushy as can be, The flying man's a sportsman, but his home's a long way back, In painted tent or straw-spread barn or cosy little shack; Gunner and sapper and flying man Have tickled the Hun with mine or gun or bombed him from on high, But the quiet work, and the dirty work, since ever the War began Is the work that never shows at all, the work of the infantryman.

The guns can pound the villages and smash the trenches in, And the Hun is fain for home again when the T.M.B.'s begin, And the Vickers gun is a useful one to sweep a parapet, But the real work is the work that's done with bomb and bayonet. Load him down from heel to crown with tools and grub and kit, He's always there where the fighting is--he's there unless he's hit; Over the mud and the blasted earth he goes where the living can; He's in at the death while he yet has breath, the British infantryman!

Trudge and slip on the shell-hole's lip, and fall in the clinging mire-- Steady in front, go steady! Close up there! Mind the wire! Double behind where the pathways wind! Jump clear of the ditch, jump clear! Lost touch at the back? Oh, halt in front! and duck when the shells come near! Carrying parties all night long, all day in a muddy trench, With your feet in the wet and your head in the rain and the sodden khaki's stench! Then over the top in the morning, and onward all you can-- This is the work that wins the War, the work of the infantryman.

WHERE IS THE CENSOR?

We protest against our newspapers being allowed to inform the enemy in this way of our methods of filling shells.

OUR NEW ARMY OF WOMEN.

Your return of trained Bombers not yet to hand. Please expedite.

I should be obliged if I could have leave from next Tuesday, as otherwise I shall not be able to attend the sales, and my Sam Browne is quite the dowdiest in tho whole battalion.

Lance-Corporal Flapper of this section has been charged for bottle, scent, one. In view of the fact that this N.C.O. has not been supplied with bottle since joining this unit I take it that such will be a free issue.

Please note fact that the boots, khaki su?de uppers, pair, one, issued yesterday to 21537 Private B. Prig, are not supplied with regulation Louis-Quinze heels. The boots are therefore herewith returned.

Herewith A.F. 26511, with cheque for pay of 2773, Private O. Jones, B Company, attached D Company, for your attention and necessary action, please.

Please note that you are detailed as a member of a Board of Survey, which assembles at these Headquarters on January 31st for the purpose of inquiring into the circumstances whereby box, powder, face, one, on charge of this unit, became used up suddenly. The Quartermaster will arrange for the necessary witnesses to attend, and the proceedings will be forwarded to the Adjutant in triplicate.

OUR MILITARY EXPERTS.

Our own Military Expert is of opinion that the invasion of Holland would in very much the same way threaten the British right and our communications with Scotland.

Why not speechless Presidents?

NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.

MARYLEBONE.

Mary Lebone She gets no meat, She never has anything Nice to eat; A supper fit For a dog alone Is all the fare Of poor Mary Lebone. She squats by the corner Of Baker Street And snuffs the air So spicy and sweet When the Bakers are baking Their puddings and pies, Their buns and their biscuits And Banburies-- A tart for Jocelyn A cake for Joan, And nothing at all For poor Mary Lebone!

SCOTLAND YARD.

"How long's the Yard in Scotland? Tell me that now, Mother." "Six-and-thirty inches, Daughter, Just like any other." "O isn't it thirty-five, Mother?" "No more than thirty-seven." "Then the bonny lad that sold me plaid Will never get to heaven."

EDWARD.

Edward has red hair, a robust appearance, and a free-and-easy way with him. His free-and-easy way shows itself chiefly in his habit of smiling upon and waving his hand to all those whom he encounters on his daily walks. He is talkative at times, but his vocabulary is limited. In my opinion it is limited to one word, though his mother can distinguish several words, or says so. She must have a very much keener ear than I have--or a less rigid regard for the truth.

You will have guessed that Edward is under military age. To be exact, it is thirteen months since he first saw the light in this troubled world. Not that the world is a troubled one to Edward; on the contrary.

Edward takes his daily walks in his perambulator upon the sea-front of his native town. His free-and-easy way has secured him a large circle of acquaintance there. Elderly gentlemen stop and speak to him, which he likes, so long as they do not pat his cheek, a habit far too prevalent among elderly gentlemen. Mothers of other babies are loud in his praises, though in their hearts they are probably comparing him unfavourably with their own offspring. Altogether Edward has a cheery life.

Upon a certain day Edward fell in with a very little man--so little, indeed, that most people would have called him a dwarf. He was walking in the same direction as Edward, and overtaking him, and Edward waved his hand and smiled and waved again.

For a while the little man ignored these overtures. But at length he felt obliged to return them, and remarked to Kate, who propels the perambulator, "Seems friendly like;" to which Kate replied, "Oh, he always waves to everyone."

Now the majority of people would have been rather repelled by that remark. For myself I may say that, though Edward always smiles when we meet, I do not greatly value it because I know he smiles in the same way upon everyone else.

But it was not so with the little man. To be classed with "everyone," to be placed by Edward on an equality with the strong and graceful, sent a warm glow to his heart.

So Edward, in his free-and-easy fashion, had, like the boy-scouts, done one good deed that day.

However this roughness is to be corrected, as we see by the following:--

"ARRANGEMENTS FOR TO-DAY.

Splendid! These colleges think of everything.

OUR CORRESPONDENCE COLLEGE.

SYLLABUS OF LECTURES.

The world before newspapers--Unbearable thought--No Street and no Man in it--Unfortunate position of great Generals of history, ALEXANDER, HANNIBAL, CAESAR, etc., in lacking support or criticism by military experts--Their fatal ignorance of public opinion--Serious handicaps in the past--LEONIDAS never seen at lunch by Mr. Gossip--ALCIBIADES never stimulated by attacks in Athens journals--No brainy onlooker at defeat of Armada.

The birth of a happier era--The first English newspaper--Rapid development of the new arm--A nation made articulate--Unfortunate quietistic tendencies: ADDISON, STEELE, JOHNSON--Foreshadowings of the real thing--Arrival of the real thing--The Fourth Estate--The Tenth Muse--The Editor as Dictator--The Millennium.

The Council of Ten and the Lion's Mouth--Importance of attending to other people's affairs--True citizenship the improvement of one's neighbours--Neglect of one's own character a national virtue--Brief sketch of Paul Pry--Brief sketch of Meddlesome Matty--Keepers of the public conscience--Human alarm-clocks--Samples of reforms delayed by absence of letters to the Press--The circulation of the blood--The law of gravity--The movement of the solar system--Value of iteration and undauntability.

At the present moment no type of letter is more effective than the following:--

SIR,--Could anything be more deplorable than the spectacle, which every hour of the day and night affords, of young and vigorous men made up to look like grandfathers. I am told that the theatrical costumiers and perruquiers are worn to a shadow by the overwork which these contemptible shirkers have subjected them to, and I call on you to use your powerful influence to stop it. I am credibly informed that if a courageous investigator visiting those funkholes, the clubs of London, were to snatch at the bald scalps so much in evidence there, he would in nine cases out of ten find that they came away in his hand, revealing the chevelure of the youthful and fit but craven. At any rate the experiment should be tried. I shall, of course, be told that the Tribunals are active and vigilant and their net so tightly drawn that no one can get through; but we all know what bunglers the English authorities are, whether at the War Office or elsewhere. It is only in newspaper offices that true efficiency can be found. I enclose my card and am,

Yours faithfully, "WAR-WINNER."

Analysis of above--Reasons for thinking it perfect--Importance of compliment to editors--Estimate of its probable result.

Extremes.

But why make bogs if they are so dangerous?

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