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EDWARD L. BERNAYS

ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN THE BARITONE PATRIOTISM THE PILLOW CASES BETTER INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS THE PRIMA DONNA PRESS STORIES THE DISTRIBUTION OF CREDIT TEARS PHOTOGRAPHS

SAMUEL HOFFENSTEIN

THE THEATRE SCRUBWOMAN DREAMS A DREAM THE STRANGE CASE OF THE MUSICAL COMEDY STAR THE STAR IS WAITING TO SEE THE MANAGER THE JESTER IN A CAFE TO A CABARET SINGER IN THE THEATRE

WALTER J. KINGSLEY

LO, THE PRESS AGENT FIRST NIGHTS THE DRAMATIST TYPES GEORGE M. COHAN DAVID BELASCO LO, THE HEADLINER

MURDOCK PEMBERTON

THE SCREEN BROADWAY--NIGHT MATINEE PAVLOWA THE OLD CHORUS MAN BLUCH LANDOLF'S TALE PRE-EMINENCE

EDWARD L. BERNAYS

ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN

He was a burly Dutch tenor, And I patiently trailed him in his waking and sleeping hours That I might not lose a story,-- But his life was commonplace and unimaginative-- Air raids and abdications kept his activities, , Out of the papers. I watchfully waited, Yearning a coup that would place him on the Musical map. A coup, such as kissing a Marshal Joffre, Aeroplaning over the bay, Diving with Annette Kellerman. Then for three days I quit the city To get a simple contralto into the western papers. Returning I entered my office; the phone jangled. The burly tenor was tearfully sobbing and moaning over the wire; Tremor and emotion choked his throat. This was his ominous message: A taxicab accident almost had killed him two and one half days ago; He had escaped with his body and orchid-lined voice-- And not a line in the mornings or evenings! What could I do about it? Accidents will happen.

THE BARITONE

He was a wonderful Metropolitan singer. His name had been blazoned over these United States, And in Europe it was as well known. Records of him could be bought in the smallest hamlet; Nothing but praise had been shed upon the glory of his name. In May he was scheduled to sing in Chicago At a festival where thousands were to foregather To do praise to him and his voice. Two days before he left, he came to his manager's office With a sickly expression all over his rotund face And a deathly gasp in his voice. One thought he needed a doctor, Or the first aid of some Red Cross nurses. He was ushered into the private office To find out his trouble. This was his lament in short; A friend, in the hurry of the moment, Had procured tickets for him on the Twentieth Century Which demanded an extra fare of six dollars,-- And he wanted to ride on the cheapest train. So we got him tickets on another road Which takes thirty six hours to Chicago and perhaps more, And the great singer, whose name has been blazoned over these United States And was as well known in Europe, Walked out contented and smiling like a young boy.

PATRIOTISM

THE PILLOW CASES

The train was due to arrive at eleven that night, But owing to the usual delay it did not arrive until one. The reporters of the leading dailies Were still waiting grouchily on the station platform for the great star. For weeks his name had blotted out every bare wall, And the date sheets of his coming had reddened the horizon. Now he steps off the train, tired and disgruntled. What cares he for the praise of the public and their prophets Awaiting him impatiently at the station? It's a bed he wants--any bed will do; The quicker he gets it, the better for the song on the morrow. But in cooking the news for the public One a.m. is the same thing as noon day. So they rushed the star with these questions: "Not conscripted yet?..." "How do you like this town?..." "Will you give any encores tomorrow?..." "When will the war end?..." Ruthlessly he plowed through them, Like a British tank at Messines. The tenor wanted a bed, But Lesville wanted a story.... On the platform patiently nestled were twenty six pieces of luggage, Twenty six pieces of luggage, containing more than their content, Twenty six pieces of luggage would get him the story, he had not given himself. Craftily, one lured the reporters to look on this bulging baggage, "Pillows and pillows and pillow...." was whispered, "Tonight he will sleep on them." Vulture-like swooped down the porters, Bearing them off to the taxis. Next morning the papers carried the story: "Singer Transports His Own Bedding," But the artist slept soundly on Ostermoors that night. The baggage held scores for the orchestra.

BETTER INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS

He was the head of a large real estate firm, And his avocation was seeking the good in a Better Industrial Relations Society. They were going to have an exhibit in their church building, At which it was to be proved That giving a gold watch for an invention That made millions for the factory owner Was worthwhile. But they needed a press agent To let the world and themselves Know that what they were doing was good. I was chosen for the work, But the head of the large real estate firm Thought that half a column a day was too little To record the fact that a cash register company In which he owned stock Had presented a medal to an employee who had remained with them At the same salary for fifteen years. So he had me fired. And the Better Industrial Relations Exhibit was a great success. And many of the morning and evening newspapers Ran editorials about it.

THE PRIMA DONNA

She had been interviewed at all possible times,-- And sometimes the interviews came at impossible ones; But it did not matter to her As long as the stories were printed and her name was spelt correctly. So we sent a photographer to the hotel one day To take pictures of her in her drawing room. He was an ungentle photographer Who had been accustomed to take pictures of young women Coming into the harbor on shipboard, and no photograph was complete Without limbs being crossed or suchwise. But she did not mind even that, If the pictures were published the next day. He took a great number of her in her salon, And departed happy at the day's bagging. A great international disturbance reduced all the white space available And no photographs were printed the next day Of the prima donna. And when I met her at rehearsal, she said very shortly: "Je vous ne parle plus" and looked at me harshly. Was I to blame for the international situation?

PRESS STORIES

THE DISTRIBUTION OF CREDIT

The Irish prize play had come back to Broadway. Where to put the credit? On the astute manager Who saw in it A year of Broadway, two of stock, eternity in the movies; Or the League of Public Spirited Women Banded together to uplift the Drama-- That was the question stirring dramatic circles and the public. It had failed in its first run of three weeks at an uptown theatre Miserably, Despite glowing reviews in all the dailies. But this come-back At a Broadway theatre, with electric lights, and transient crowds That would save it-- Was the universal verdict. During the first week there was a tremendous fight Between the two factions for the Distribution of credit, and some critics said The League of Public Spirited Women was responsible For bringing the play back, because they had bulletined it, And others said it was the astute manager. But no audience came to the play after the second week. And it went to the storehouse. No one fought any longer for The distribution of credit.

TEARS

Beads of perspiration on a hot summer's afternoon, A hurry call from the Ritz, Thoughts of plastering the city in half an hour, With twenty-four sheets and large heralds, And a page or two in all the dailies.... She sat in a sumptuous suite at the Ritz, Discussing with her husband, Who had just returned from the beagles in South Carolina Her new pet charity; And she had called me in at this very moment, Because she had struck a snag. This was her charity: She related with tears in her eyes, What was she to do about it? She received no response from the American public. The poor assistant stagehands of the Paris theatres They were out of work--destitute-- The theatres closed--and all the actors at the front. But what could be done for them, the poor Paris stagehands? That was her query. And tears welled up in her eyes, as she spoke While her husband chased the Angora from under the sofa-- I sat and discussed the question. And tears came to my eyes, But my tears were wept for another reason.

PHOTOGRAPHS

I had ordered the photographs of the prima donna. They are lovely and beautiful to behold and they are printed before me in magazine. Her madonna like face sheds radiance on the prospective box-office patron; He is dazzled by her sun-like head of hair; He loses his heart and his pocket-book when he glances on them. I felt happy that I changed photographers. I felt that my discovery of a new artisan of the sensitized plate Would bring glory and money to many. I sit by the rolltop desk and pull out again the objects of my praises. The telephone bell rings and awakens me from my reveries,-- It is the voice of the beautiful prima donna herself; But the melodious notes the critics have praised are changed. There is a raucous, strident tone in the voice; It sounds like the rasping bark of the harpies. "How dare you use those terrible photographs?" "What do you mean by insulting my beauty?" There is a slam down of the telephone receiver,-- I turn to my work of writing an advertisement about the prima donna's voice.

SAMUEL HOFFENSTEIN

THE THEATRE SCRUBWOMAN DREAMS A DREAM

When morning mingles with the gloom On empty stage and twilit aisle, She comes with rag and pan and broom To work--and dream awhile.

Illusion's laughter, fancy's tears, The mimic loves of yesternight, On empty stages of the years Awake in the dim light.

She cannot sweep the phantoms out-- How sweet the sobbing violin!-- She cannot put the ghosts to rout-- How pale the heroine!

Oh! valiant hero, sorely tried!-- 'Tis only dust that fills her eyes-- But he shall have his lovely bride And she her paradise!

And she--the broom falls from her hands, And is it dust that fills her eyes?-- Shall go with him to golden lands And find her paradise!--

The morning wrestles with the gloom On silent stage and chilly aisle, She takes her rag and pan and broom To work--and dream awhile!

THE STRANGE CASE OF THE MUSICAL COMEDY STAR

The lady cannot sing a note, There is a languor in her throat Beyond all healing, She does not act at all, it seems, Except in early morning dreams-- She lacks the feeling.

Her feet are pretty, but methinks, The weighty and phlegmatic Sphinx Could trip as lightly-- And yet she is a regular, Serene and well established star Who twinkles nightly.

And Solomon for all his stir, Had not a single jewel on her, Nor did his capers Procure him even half the space For publication of his face In ancient papers.

Her gowns, her furs, her limousines Would catch the eye of stately queens In any city-- She cannot sing, or dance or act, But then I have remarked the fact-- Her feet are pretty.

THE STAR IS WAITING TO SEE THE MANAGER

A moment since, the office boy, Invisible as Night itself, Reposed on some dim-curtained shelf And tasted peace, without alloy.

Secure from all the day's alarms, Of boss and bell the very jinx, He gazed immobile as the Sphinx On pompous front and painted charms.

Now out of interstellar space, Beyond the sunlight and the storm, Appears that lightning-laden form, That toothful smile, that cryptic face.

Whence came he, who that breathes can tell?-- He was so hid from mortal eyes, Perhaps he fell from paradise, Perhaps they chased him out of hell.

But now his heels show everywhere, A dozen doors are opened wide, He stands before, behind, beside, He fills the ether and the air.

Far quicker than a wink or beck, Far sleeker than a juvenile, He barely tops the giant smile That wreathes his forehead and his neck.

Oh! sudden gold evolved from dross! Who wrought the shining miracle? What magic cast the dazzling spell?-- The star is here to see the boss!

THE JESTER

All the fool's gold of the world, All your dusty pageantries, All your reeking praise of Self, All your wise men's sophistries, All that springs of golden birth, Is not half the jester's worth!

Who's the jester? He is one, Who behind the scenes hath been, Caught Life with his make-up off, Found him but a harlequin Cast to play a tragic part-- And the two laughed, heart to heart!

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