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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 159 July 21 1920 by Various Seaman Owen Editor
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Editor: Owen Seaman
PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARIA.
VOL. 159.
JULY 21, 1920
CHARIVARIA.
To judge by the Spa Conference it looks as if we might be going to have a peace to end peace.
It will soon be necessary for the Government to arrange an old-age pension scheme for Peace Conference delegates.
Mr. Stanton pointed out in the House of Commons that, unless increased salaries are given to Members, there will be a strike. Fears are entertained, however, that a settlement will be reached.
"The Derry shirt-cutters," says a news item, "have decided to continue to strike." The Derry throat-cutters, on the other hand, have postponed striking to a more favourable opportunity.
The way to bring down the price of home-killed meat, the Ministry of Food announces officially, is for the public not to buy it. You can't have your cheap food and eat it.
Harborough Rocks, one of the few Druid Circles in the kingdom, has been sold. Heading-for-the-Rocks, the famous Druid Circle at Westminster, has also been sold on several occasions by the Chief Wizard.
A gossip writer states that he saw a man carrying two artificial legs while travelling in a Tube train. There is nothing like being prepared for all emergencies while travelling.
"The ex-Kaiser," says an American journal, "makes his own clothes to pass the time away." This is better than his old hobby of making wars to pass other people's time away.
A West Riding paper states that a postman picked up a pound Treasury note last week. It is said that he intends to have it valued by an expert.
An engineer suggests that all roads might be made of rubber. For pedestrians who are knocked down by motor-cars the resilience of this material would be a great boon.
"We can find work for everybody and everything," says a Chicago journal. But what about corkscrews?
How strong is the force of habit was illustrated at Liverpool Docks the other day when two Americans, on reaching our shores, immediately fainted, and only recovered when it was explained that spirits were not sold here solely for medical purposes.
"Watches are often affected by electrical storms such as we have experienced of late," states a science journal. Only yesterday we heard of a plumber and his mate who arrived at a job simultaneously.
We sympathise with the unfortunate housewife who cannot obtain a servant because her reference is considered unsatisfactory. It appears she was only six weeks with her last maid.
A pedestrian knocked down by a taxi in Oxford Street last Tuesday managed to regain his feet only to be again bowled over by a motor-bus. Luckily, however, noticing a third vehicle standing by to complete the job, the unfortunate fellow had the presence of mind to remain on the ground.
"Too much room is taken up by motor-vehicles when turning corners," declares a weekly journal. This is a most unfair charge against those self-respecting motorists who negotiate all corners on the two inside wheels only.
Fashionable Parisians, says a correspondent, have decided that the correct thing this year is to be invited to Scotland for July. It may be correct, but it won't be an easy matter if we know our Scotland.
American women-bathers with an inclination to embonpoint, it is stated, have taken to painting dimples on their knees. The report that a fashionable New Yorker who does not care for the water has created the necessary illusion by having a lobster painted on her toe is probably premature.
A Bridgewater, Somerset, man of eighty has cancelled his wedding on the morning of the ceremony. A few more exhibitions of that kind and he will end up by being a bachelor.
There was a young lady of Beccles Whose face was infested with freckles, But nobody saw Any facial flaw, For she had an abundance of shekels.
THE GRASSHOPPER.
The Animal Kingdom may be divided into creatures which one can feed and creatures which one cannot feed. Animals which one cannot feed are nearly always unsatisfactory; and the grasshopper is no exception. Anyone who has tried feeding a grasshopper will agree with me.
Yes, it is all very "dramatic." It is exciting to think of an English lord nursing a grievance about a grasshopper for months and months, seeing grasshoppers in every corner, dreaming about grasshoppers.... But we must not waste time over the fantastic tale. We have not yet solved our principal problem. Why did Mr. Lloyd George call him a grasshopper--a modest friendly little grasshopper? Did he mean to suggest that Lord Northcliffe hears with his stomach or stridulates with his back legs?
Why not an earwig, or a black-beetle, or a wood-louse, or a centipede? There are lots of insects more offensive than the grasshopper, and personally I would much rather be called a grasshopper than an earwig, which gets into people's sponges and frightens them to death.
A.P.H.
And think what he must have saved the ratepayers by not taking a pension years ago.
We do not quite see why this particular sub-committee should have taken the initiative.
AT THE PLAY.
"French Leave."
I should say in general that author and producer would do well to watch the serious passages--always the danger-points in farce. As nobody on our side of the footlights takes these seriously the folk on the other side must substantially dilute the seriousness. The tragically uttered, "O God!" at the end of the Second Act ruined an otherwise excellent curtain. But I must not end on a note of censure. I was much too thoroughly entertained for that. Here's a quite first-rate piece of fooling, with dialogue of humorous rather than smart sayings. And humour's a much rarer and less cheap a gift than smartness.
Our Considerate Scribes.
"PASSIVE PESSIMISM.
BERLIN'S ATTITUDE TO THE SPAR CONDITIONS."
But, after all, Berlin does not seem to have taken them lying down.
Cricketers need to be amphibious in these days.
SONGS OF AN OVALITE.
There was a young man who said, "Hobbs Should never be tempted with lobs; He would knock them about Till the bowlers gave out And watered the pitch with their sobs."
There is no one so dreadful as Fender For batmen whose bodies are tender; He gets on their nerves With his murderous swerves That insist upon death or surrender.
When people try googlies on Sandham, You can see he will soon understand 'em; With a laugh at their slows He will murmur, "Here goes," And over the railings will land 'em.
I am always attracted by Harrison When arrayed in his batting caparison; If others look worried He never gets flurried, But quite unconcernedly carries on.
All classes of bowlers have stuck at Their efforts to dislocate Ducat; Their wiliest tricks He despatches for six, Which is what they decidedly buck at.
"Like father like son," says the fable, And is justified clearly in Abel; No bowling he fears And his surname appears An extremely appropriate label.
If I were tremendously rich I would buy a cathedral in which I would build me a shrine Of a noble design And worship a statue of Hitch.
Our Sleuths Again.
After our half-baked victory over the Hun the popular watchword was "Reconstruction." We have now enjoyed a year and more of this "building-up" process, and the net result is that houses for those that lack them are as scarce as iced soda-fountains in the Sahara.
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