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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 103 December 10 1892 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor
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Editor: Francis Burnand
VOL. 103
December 10, 1892.
CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.
The Smoking-Room .
I MAY assume, that after the terrible example given in my last chapter, you have firmly made up your mind never on any account to take service in the great army of bores. But this determination is not all that is necessary. A man must constantly keep a strict guard on himself, lest he should unconsciously deviate even for a few minutes into the regions of boredom. Whatever you do, let nothing tempt you to relate more than once any grievance you may have. Nothing of course is more poisonous to the aggrieved one than to stifle his grievance absolutely. Once, and once only, he may produce it to his friends. I shall be blamed, perhaps, for making even this slight concession. Please be careful, therefore, not to abuse it. Is there in the whole world a more ridiculous sight than a strong, healthy, well-fed sportsman who wearies his companions one after another with the depressing recital of his ill-luck, or of the dastardly behaviour of the head-keeper in not stopping the whole party for half an hour to search for an imaginary bird, which is supposed to have fallen stone-dead somewhere or other; or of the iniquities of the man from whom he bought his cartridges in not loading them with the right charge; or any of the hundred inconveniences and injuries to which sportsmen are liable. All these things may be as he says they are. He may be the most unfortunate, the most unjustly treated of mankind. But why insist upon it? Why check the current of sympathy by the dam of constant repetition? And, after all, how trivial and absurd the whole thing is! Even a man whose career has been ruined by malicious persecution will be avoided like a pest if it is known that he dins the account of his wrongs into everyone's ears. How, then, shall the sufferer by the petty injuries of ordinary sport be listened to with patience? Of all bores, the grievancemonger is the fiercest and worst. Lay this great truth by in your memory, and be mindful of it in more important matters than sport when the occasion arises.
Now your typical smoking-room conversation ought always to include the following subjects:-- The wrong-headed, unpopular man, whom every district possesses, and who is always at loggerheads with somebody; "The best shot in England," who is to be found in every country-side, and in whose achievements all the sportsmen of his particular district take a patriotic pride; the folly and wickedness of those who talk or write ignorantly against any kind of sport; the deficiency of hares due to the rascally provisions of the Hares and Rabbits Act; a few reminiscences, slightly glorified, of the particular day's sport; and a prolonged argument on the relative merits of the old plan of shooting birds over dogs, and the modern methods of walking them up or driving. These are not the only, but certainly the chief ingredients. Let me give you an example, drawn from my note-book.
THE RHODES COLOSSUS.
THE World's Seven Wonders are surely outshone! On Marvel World's billows 'twill toss us--'twill toss us, To watch him, Director and Statesman in one, This Seven-League-Booted Colossus--Colossus! Combining in one supernatural blend Plain Commerce and Imagination--gination; O'er Africa striding from dark end to end, To forward black emancipation--cipation.
Well may ABERCORN wonder and FIFE tootle praise, His two thousand hearers raise cheering--raise cheering. Of wild would-be Scuttlers he proves the mad craze, And of Governments prone to small-beering--small-beering. Sullen Boers may prove bores to a man of less tact, A duffer funk wiles Portuguesy--tuguesy; But Dutchmen, black potentates, all sorts, in fact, To RHODES the astute come quite easy--quite easy.
"HE rumbles so in his conversation," observed Mrs. R. of an orator whose sentences were considerably involved, "that I can seldom catch the grist of what he says."
PRACTICAL THEOSOPHY.
MRS. BESANT is said to have told a representative of a daily paper, that "an adept in Theosophy uses his supernatural powers solely for his own convenience, just as ordinary people avail themselves of a messenger, or the telephone or telegraph."
We have it on the very best of authority that the discharge of handbills from a?rial bombs is to be entirely surpassed as a method for advertising a commodity, by a new and protected process.
"A Company is being formed," so runs the prospectus, "for the express purpose of importing Mahatmas of the very best vintage , direct from Thibet, where an exceptionally luxuriant crop has been produced during past years.
"They will be shipped to any port in the United Kingdom, and delivered to any address, carriage free, at prices which will compare most favourably with those quoted by foreign firms for inferior articles.
"The trade supplied by special contract.
"They will prove invaluable to advertisers and others.
"No family should be without one. Order early.
"They can be used for a variety of purposes; but they will be found most particularly serviceable for distributing handbills and posters, especially in inaccessible places.
"Prompt and accurate delivery of any object may be effected by their agency, owing to their marvellous powers of precipitation.
"Full instructions for working, and instruments for repairing, supplied with each specimen.
"Not liable to get out of order.
"Safe in the hands of a child. Yet they are not toys.
"Procurable of any respectable Lunatic Asylum.
"Ask for Our Brand, and see that you get none other.
"Beware of worthless foreign imitations, which dishonest dealers will try to foist upon you.
"Of Mahatmas young, and Mahatmas old, Of Mahatmas meek, and Mahatmas bold, Of Mahatmas gentle, and Mahatmas rough, We lay long odds that we'll sell enough."
The financial column of the Journal of the Future, we may expect, will read somewhat as follows:--"Mahatmas opened weak, but slowly advanced a third. Later they became stronger, and closed firm at 8-1/4. Latest--Mahatmas fell rapidly."
CHARITY BEGINS ABROAD.--The following advertisement has been sent for solution:--
GENTLEMAN, with knowledge of business and disposing of 100,000 francs, is desirous of REPRESENTING, either in Europe, Africa, America, or elsewhere, a serious FIRM, capable of giving important profits. Offers to be addressed, &c.
ALL ROUND THE FAIR.
The Irish Giant Baby "At Home."
The exterior of the Show is painted to represent a Cottage, and bears the highly improbable name of "Polly O'Gracious," with an even less credible announcement that this is the identical "little cot where she was born." Inside is an ordinary tent, with a rough platform at the further end, whereon is an empty chair, at which a group of small Boys, two or three young Women, and some middle-aged Farm-labourers, have been solemnly and patiently staring for the last quarter of an hour.
"Then he got a little glass-tube into which he put something out of a very small bottle, which he took from a number of others which lay side by side in a little case which he took out of a pocket in the side of the car."
THE BARON.
REFLECTION IN THE MIST.--You could have "cut the fog, it was so thick," is a common expression. But the fog, unwelcome as it always is, is not like an unwelcome acquaintance, who can be "cut" or avoided by turning down a street, or by pretending unconsciousness of his proximity.
"DAVY JONES'S LOCKER."
DADDY NEPTUNE loves me not. Plumped by storm or by shot, my Locker held a lot in the days gone by, But 'tis daily growing fuller. Is the British Tar off colour, are the sea-dogs slower, duller, though as game to die? Has Science spoilt their skill, that their iron pots so fill my old Locker? How I thrill at the lumbering crash, When a-crunch upon a rock, with a thundering Titan shock, goes some shapeless metal block, to immortal smash?
Oh! it's real, rasping fun! Mighty hull, monster gun, all are mine ere all's done; and the millions madly spent On a lollopping wolloping kettle, with ten thousand tons of metal sink as the Titans settle, turtle-turned, or wrenched and rent, To my rocks and my ooze. I seem little like to lose by the "Progress" some abuse, and the many crack up. Ah! NEPTUNE, sour old lad, DAVY JONES may well look glad at the modern Iron-clad, and thank ARMSTRONG and KRUPP!
Good old false last-century Chart! Though the conning may be smart, and the steersman play his part, Palinurus-like, Whilst they trust to your vain vellum, which is almost sure to sell 'em, even DAVY JONES can tell 'em, they may sink or strike. Hooray, King Death, hooray! Who says we've had our day! Pass the rum and let's be gay. Not that "dead man's chest," ROBERT LOUIS grimly sings, like my "Locker Chorus" rings--mingling weirdly wedded things--grisly doom and jest!
On an Irish Landlord.
WHEN a Stag has once been uncarted, and has been given so many minutes law to get away, the Huntsman may correctly allude to him as "The Deer Departed."
RECONCILIATION.
ADAPTED FROM THE FRENCH.
SCENE--The House of Commons at question-time. Ministers in attendance, excited Members regarding them with derision.
TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE.
O England, you boast of your warrior sons, Your history tells of them, fearless in strife, How they faced the French horse, how they charged Russian guns, So thoughtful of duty, so careless of life!
You honour them rightly, but do not forget That economy pleases the voters as well; Each penny reduces the National Debt; Old Ships, as you know, are the best things to sell.
You could not escape paying pounds to the men Who fought, wearing soles of brown paper, supplied In your wise, frugal way. Follow precedent then! Remember pence saved, not your children who died!
Though the men must be paid, such expense need not vex A skilful economist. This can be met. You can always grind pence from the poor, weaker sex; If the clothes are ill-made, think what bargains you get!
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