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Read Ebook: The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun; containing a collection of over one thousand of the most laughable sayings and jokes of celebrated wits and humorists. by Various
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Ebook has 1888 lines and 77992 words, and 38 pages
Among the witnesses was one, as verdant a specimen of humanity as one would wish to meet with. After a severe cross-examination, the counsel for the Government paused, and then putting on a look of severity, and an ominous shake of the head, exclaimed:
"Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to tell a different story?"
"A different story from what I have told, sir?"
"That is what I mean."
"Yes sir; several persons have tried to get me to tell a different story from what I have told, but they couldn't."
"Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who those persons are."
"Waal, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them."
The witness was dismissed, while the judge, jury, and spectators, indulged in a hearty laugh.
I'LL VOTE FOR THE OTHER MAN.
THE following story is told of a revolutionary soldier who was running for Congress.
It appears that he was opposed by a much younger man who had "never been to the wars," and it was his practice to tell the people of the hardships he had endured. Says he:
"Fellow-citizens, I have fought and bled for my country--I helped whip the British and Indians. I have slept on the field of battle, with no other covering than the canopy of heaven. I have walked over frozen ground, till every footstep was marked with blood."
Just about this time, one of the "sovereigns," who had become very much affected by this tale of woe, walks up in front of the speaker, wiping the tears from his eyes with the extremity of his coat-tail, and interrupting him, says:
"Did you say that you had fought the British and the Injines?"
"Yes, sir, I did."
"Did you say you had followed the enemy of your country over frozen ground, till every footstep was covered with blood?"
"Yes!" exultingly replied the speaker.
"Well, then," says the tearful "sovereign," as he gave a sigh of painful emotion, "I'll be blamed if I don't think you've done enough for your country, and I'll vote for the other man!"
THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE.
TAKING shelter from a shower in an umbrella shop.
DECLINING AN OFFICE.
"BEN," said a politician to his companion, "did you know I had declined the office of Alderman?"
"O, no."
"What then? Nominated?"
"No, but I attended our party caucus last evening, and took an active part; and when a nominating committee was appointed, and were making up the list of candidates, I went up to them and begged they would not nominate me for Alderman, as it would be impossible for me to attend to the duties?"
"Show, Jake; what reply did they make?"
"Why, they said they hadn't thought of such a thing."
GOOD WITNESSES.
AN Attorney before a bench of magistrates, a short time ago, told the bench, with great gravity, "That he had two witnesses in court, in behalf of his client, and they would be sure to speak the truth; for he had had no opportunity to communicate with them!"
TALLEYRAND'S WIT.
"AH! I feel the torments of hell," said a person, whose life had been supposed to be somewhat of the loosest. "Already?" was the inquiry suggested to M. Talleyrand. Certainly, it came natural to him. It is, however, not original; the Cardinal de Retz's physician is said to have made a similar exclamation on a like occasion.
A FIGHTING FOWL.
DURING Colonel Crockett's first winter in Washington, a caravan of wild animals was brought to the city and exhibited. Large crowds attended the exhibition; and, prompted by common curiosity, one evening Colonel Crockett attended.
ELEPHANT.
"THE LAST WAR."
MR. PITT, once speaking in the House of Commons, in the early part of his career, of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in which the colonies were lost, called it "the last war." Several members cried out, "The last war but one." He took no notice; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry of "The last war but one--the last war but one." "I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, turning to the Speaker, and raising his sonorous voice, "I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish to remember." Whereupon the cry was instantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud.
KISSES.
I'd freely give whole years of bliss, To gather from thy lips one kiss.
To which the following prompt and neat response was immediately returned:--
Young men present these to their favourite Miss, And think by such means to entrap her; But la! they ne'er catch us with this kind of kiss, The right kind hain't got any wrapper.
AMERICAN WONDERS.
NO HARM.
"MOTHER," said a little fellow the other day, "is there any harm in breaking egg shells?" "Certainly not, my dear, but why do you ask?" "Cause I dropt the basket jist now, and see what a mess I'm in with the yolk."
TAKEN DOWN A PEG.
AN Irishman, observing a dandy taking his usual strut in Broadway, stepped up to him and inquired:
"How much do you ax for thim houses?"
"What do you ask me that for?"
"Faith, an' I thought the whole strate belonged to ye," replied the Irishman.
DUTCH MARRIAGE.
AN old Dutch farmer, just arrived at the dignity of justice of the peace, had his first marriage case. He did it up in this way. He first said to the man: "Vell, you vants to be marrit, do you? Vell, you lovesh dis voman so goot as any voman you have ever seen?" "Yes," answered the man. Then to the woman: "Vell, do you love dis man so better as any man you have ever seen?" She hesitated a little, and he repeated: "Vell, vell, do you like him so vell as to be his vife?" "Yes, yes," she answered. "Vell, dat ish all any reasonable man can expect. So you are marrit; I pronounce you man and vife." The man asked the justice what was to pay. "Nothing at all, nothing at all; you are velcome to it if it vill do you any good."
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