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Read Ebook: The Inca of Perusalem: An Almost Historical Comedietta by Shaw Bernard
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Ebook has 269 lines and 10044 words, and 6 pages
THE PRINCESS. Oh, something she did. I am sure she had never done it before; and I know she would never have done it again, she was so truly contrite and nice about it.
ERMYNTRUDE. About what, Your Highness?
THE PRINCESS. Well, she wore my jewels and one of my dresses at a rather improper ball with her young man; and my uncle saw her.
ERYMNTRUDE. Then he was at the ball too, Your Highness?
THE PRINCESS . I suppose he must have been. I wonder! You know, it's very sharp of you to find that out. I hope you are not too sharp.
ERMYNTRUDE. A lady's maid has to be, Your Highness. Your Highness wishes to see my testimonials, no doubt. I have one from an Archdeacon.
THE PRINCESS . Do archdeacons have maids? How curious!
ERMYNTRUDE. No, Your Highness. They have daughters. I have first-rate testimonials from the Archdeacon and from his daughter.
THE PRINCESS . The daughter says you are in every respect a treasure. The Archdeacon says he would have kept you if he could possibly have afforded it. Most satisfactory, I'm sure.
ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged then, Your Highness?
THE PRINCESS . Oh, I'm sure I don't know. If you like, of course; but do you think I ought to?
ERMYNTRUDE. Naturally I think Your Highness ought to, most decidedly.
THE PRINCESS. Oh well, if you think that, I daresay you're quite right. You'll excuse my mentioning it, I hope; but what wages--er--?
ERMYNTRUDE. The same as the maid who went to the ball. Your Highness need not make any change.
THE PRINCESS. M'yes. Of course she began with less. But she had such a number of relatives to keep! It was quite heartbreaking: I had to raise her wages again and again.
ERMYNTRUDE. I shall be quite content with what she began on; and I have no relatives dependent on me. And I am willing to wear my own dresses at balls.
THE PRINCESS. I am sure nothing could be fairer than that. My uncle can't object to that, can he?
ERMYNTRUDE. If he does, Your Highness, ask him to speak to me about it. I shall regard it as part of my duties to speak to your uncle about matters of business.
THE PRINCESS. Would you? You must be frightfully courageous.
ERMYNTRUDE. May I regard myself as engaged, Your Highness? I should like to set about my duties immediately.
THE PRINCESS. Oh yes, I think so. Oh certainly. I--
A waiter comes in with the tea. He places the tray on the table.
THE PRINCESS. Oh, thank you.
ERMYNTRUDE . How long has that been standing at the top of the stairs?
THE PRINCESS . Oh please! It doesn't matter.
THE WAITER. It has not been waiting. Straight from the kitchen, madam, believe me.
ERMYNTRUDE. Send the manager here.
THE WAITER. The manager! What do you want with the manager?
ERMYNTRUDE. He will tell you when I have done with him. How dare you treat Her Highness in this disgraceful manner? What sort of pothouse is this? Where did you learn to speak to persons of quality? Take away your cold tea and cold cake instantly. Give them to the chambermaid you were flirting with whilst Her Highness was waiting. Order some fresh tea at once; and do not presume to bring it yourself: have it brought by a civil waiter who is accustomed to wait on ladies, and not, like you, on commercial travellers.
THE MANAGER. Pardon, Your Highness; but I have received an urgent inquiry for rooms from an English family of importance; and I venture to ask you to let me know how long you intend to honor us with your presence.
THE PRINCESS . Oh! am I in the way?
ERMYNTRUDE . Sit down, madam. Her Highness will require this room for twenty minutes.
THE MANAGER. Twenty minutes!
ERMYNTRUDE. Yes: it will take fully that time to find a proper apartment in a respectable hotel.
THE MANAGER. I do not understand.
ERMYNTRUDE. You understand perfectly. How dare you offer Her Highness a room on the second floor?
THE MANAGER. But I have explained. The first floor is occupied. At least--
ERMYNTRUDE. Well? at least?
THE MANAGER. It is occupied.
ERMYNTRUDE. Don't you dare tell Her Highness a falsehood. It is not occupied. You are saving it up for the arrival of the five-fifteen express, from which you hope to pick up some fat armaments contractor who will drink all the bad champagne in your cellar at 5 francs a bottle, and pay twice over for everything because he is in the same hotel with Her Highness, and can boast of having turned her out of the best rooms.
THE MANAGER. But Her Highness was so gracious. I did not know that Her Highness was at all particular.
ERMYNTRUDE. And you take advantage of Her Highness's graciousness. You impose on her with your stories. You give her a room not fit for a dog. You send cold tea to her by a decayed professional person disguised as a waiter. But don't think you can trifle with me. I am a lady's maid; and I know the ladies' maids and valets of all the aristocracies of Europe and all the millionaires of America. When I expose your hotel as the second-rate little hole it is, not a soul above the rank of a curate with a large family will be seen entering it. I shake its dust off my feet. Order the luggage to be taken down at once.
THE MANAGER . Can Your Highness believe this of me? Have I had the misfortune to offend Your Highness?
THE PRINCESS. Oh no. I am quite satisfied. Please--
ERMYNTRUDE. Is Your Highness dissatisfied with me?
THE PRINCESS . Oh no: please don't think that. I only meant--
ERMYNTRUDE . You hear. Perhaps you think Her Highness is going to do the work of teaching you your place herself, instead of leaving it to her maid.
THE MANAGER. Oh please, mademoiselle. Believe me: our only wish is to make you perfectly comfortable. But in consequence of the war, all royal personages now practise a rigid economy, and desire us to treat them like their poorest subjects.
THE PRINCESS. Oh yes. You are quite right--
ERMYNTRUDE . There! Her Highness forgives you; but don't do it again. Now go downstairs, my good man, and get that suite on the first floor ready for us. And send some proper tea. And turn on the heating apparatus until the temperature in the rooms is comfortably warm. And have hot water put in all the bedrooms--
THE MANAGER. There are basins with hot and cold taps.
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