Read Ebook: Punch or The London Charivari Vol. 62 January 20 1872 by Various

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COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.

CASE OF REAL DISTRESS.

WE do not covet the post of Prime Minister, nor yet that of Lord Chancellor, especially if, when Parliament re-assembles, a recent judicial appointment should be sharply discussed. We can think of the choice of a new Speaker without discontent with our own lowly lot, and at the present time envy of the Lord Chief Justice of the Common Pleas is not the predominant feeling in our breasts. But of all places, posts, offices, appointments, and dignities within the reach of an Englishman, the one which excites in us the least desire is that of "Examiner of Plays."

Who, with a heart, can resist feelings of the deepest commiseration, the most profound pity for the sufferings of another, when he hears that in twelve short years it has been the unhappy lot of the present Examiner to read one thousand eight hundred dramatic pieces--one thousand eight hundred tragedies, comedies, melodramas, farces, pantomimes, burlesques, and extravaganzas? There are labours which no salary can remunerate, services which no fees can requite.

A DISTINGUISHED "FRIEND."

A QUAKER a Grand Cross! We should as soon have expected to be introduced to a Quaker Field Marshal. Henceforth the sensation of surprise must be numbered amongst the lost feelings. Nothing now can move us more. Not the sun rising in the west, not the spectacle of an Irish Roman Catholic Bishop teaching in a Protestant Sunday school, not a Teetotal Lord Mayor, not the appointment of MR. TOMLINE as Master of the Mint, or SIR CHARLES DILKE as Lord-Lieutenant of Middlesex, not the total abolition of the Income Tax, not the conversion of MR. WHALLEY and MR. NEWDEGATE to Popery, not the purification of the streets,--no, not even the bestowal of the Grand Cross of our own Order of the Bath on some Englishman eminent in Art, Literature, or Science!

HOME-RULE.

HAS Repeal, that in 'Forty was folly, Grown sense in Eighteen-seventy-two? Will the walls that defied Big DAN'S volley, Be by BUTT'S brass two-pounder split through?

Has PADDY, that still has craved ruling And rulers, in wrong as in right, Of a sudden out-grown schools and schooling, And shot to Self-Government's height?

And was it but bottomless boasting, With a point from Hibernian wit,-- That there ne'er yet was Irishman roasting, But an Irishman's hand turned the spit?

Is it JOHN that across the Atlantic Stamps PAT Order's foe ever known; And declares him a nuisance gigantic, Till Yankee Home-Rule ousts his own?

Must hist'ry, as writ all untruly, Like Hebrew, be read in reverse, That, since STRONG-BOW, shows Ireland unruly, With lawlessness cursed as chief curse?

When the best of the race for home-ruling Are those that Home-Rule most distrust; As convinced that to trust Irish "tooling," Will bring Erin's car in the dust.

Home-Rule! 'Tis a compound sonorous, Fine phrase on a green flag to fly; But take stock of the stuff that's before us-- And who shall the Home-Rule supply?

Is't your own Irish Lords, Irish Commons, Who adorned College Green long ago? But to London would rather hear summons, Than in Dublin be tied by the toe:

For the Greenest of all, the best brother Of PAT in JOHN BULL can discern; And to cool English air from the smother Of your factions, is thankful to turn.

Is't the Lawyers, who look for preferment, Praise, pence, and distinction, o'er sea; And when they have ris'n by your ferment, Will be glad your close corking to see?

Is't your National Papers--press-razors, Produced not to shave, but to sell-- Whose scribes might seem genuine blazers, Did not conjurors spit fire as well?

Is't your Priests, with the gag and the blinders, Which Church would fain use to tame Law: Their pincers, for law-reason's grinders, Their scissors, for lay-reason's claw?

Is't your Peasants, in feuds and in factions Stark mad, for a nothing or name: In their lodges, at murder's black pactions, Or from a dyke-back taking aim?

In short, gauging all ranks and classes-- Those who are, or will be, by the ears-- The units, as well as the masses, Lawyers, traders, priests, press, peasants, peers--

"DONNE'S SATIRES."--Pantomimes without political jokes.

OUR POCKET-BOOK AGAIN.

EVENINGS FROM HOME.

THE next evening TOMMY was dressed in an unusual style of elegance: every article of his attire was of the most exquisite cut; every species of ornament that fashion permitted to decorate his person was his; not a stud was omitted, nor was one drop, less than necessary, of india-rubber-boot-polish forgotten that could tend to render his toilet perfect. And, indeed, neither MR. BARLOW nor HARRY were far behind him in appearance on this memorable occasion, which was nothing less than that of their first visit to the ROYAL GRECIAN THEATRE, in the City Road.

Here, from their stalls they surveyed the wonderful sight which presented itself to them, of a house densely packed from the floor to the ceiling.

MR. BARLOW, who had been giving the play his closest attention, seemed to be unable to enlighten his pupil, and requested him to listen to what was going on, and occasionally refer to the programme, by which means he would probably arrive at some definite conclusion.

TOMMY was so much struck by this fresh instance of HARRY'S capacity for adapting his learning to whatever circumstances might present themselves, that he determined to learn the science of mechanics on the very first opportunity.

The audience continued to listen to the piece with a serenity which nothing could disturb, except the occasional appearance of MR. TOOLE, who gave utterance to such quaint drolleries, of his own introduction, as sent the people into short spasms of laughter, in which MASTER TOMMY most heartily joined, while MR. BARLOW applauded as loudly as the rest of the company. But HARRY, whose temper was not quite so pliable, could not conceal the weariness that was gradually creeping over him. He gaped, he yawned, he stretched, he even pinched himself in order to keep his attention alive, but all in vain. He managed to rouse himself twice; once when MR. TOOLE was singing an additional verse to his song , and once when MADEMOISELLE CLARY was exercising her skill in a rather pretty melody. But at length the narcotic influence of the dialogue, conspiring with the opiate charms of the music, he could resist no longer, but insensibly fell back upon his stall, fast asleep. This was soon remarked by his neighbours, who straightway conceived an unfavourable opinion of HARRY'S breeding, while he, in the meantime, enjoyed the most placid repose, undisturbed by either the envious remarks of some among the audience, or by the nudgings administered to his elbow by his friend TOMMY; and, indeed, his slumber was not entirely dissipated until the performance was finished.

MR. BARLOW here made some excuse for retiring to his room; and as HARRY was on the point of commencing the story, TOMMY asked him to await his return, as he was only going to fetch his slippers, in order to sit and listen more comfortably to his friend's narrative.

HARRY consented to wait for him, but, at the end of two hours, as TOMMY did not return, he retired to his own room, and soon fell asleep.

THE FOURTH R IN MERTHYR.

There are forms of public devotion in common use as the prologue to public dinners. They are invocations in which all present can join, whatever their belief may be as to the Fourth R--if they have any belief at all--and if they have none, what then? It would be conscientious of a Church of England Clergyman to propose the superaddition of a Doxology to a Grace; but would it be wise? Would it not probably set a company of mixed denominations quarrelling over their soup?

SUCH A BOOK!

HISTORIANS AND HERETICS.

"It was announced in our latest edition yesterday, that the ARCHBISHOP OF MUNICH has excommunicated PROFESSOR FROSCHHAMMER. To-day a German correspondent informs us that the Professor has published an essay, in which he proves that the Catholic Clergy are all excommunicated for adopting the Copernican system and taking interest on money."

Professors FROSCHHAMMER and D?LLINGER, however, are snakes in a more serious sense than the ordinary cobras, rattle-snakes, copperheads, and vipers in general which the Fathers of the Lateran Council would mean by snakes, as a name for heretics. Hitherto heretics have been regarded by the Roman Catholic hierarchy as vipers which, in impugning Authority, bite a file. The above-named Professors appeal to History against the POPE. DR. MANNING may declare this appeal to be treason. He might add that it is undeniable treason. The reproach of treason lies in failure.

"But when it prospers none dare call it treason."

Such snakes as PROFESSOR D?LLINGER and PROFESSOR FROSCHHAMMER bite things more vulnerable than files. They bite legs and feet, through scarlet stockings, and white satin cross-embroidered slippers.

THE researches of MR. FFOULKES and other learned investigators appear to have proved that the creed of St. Athanasius, so-called, was not composed until ages after the decease of that personage. If so, it was unduly entitled with his name. Considering the purport of certain generally unpopular clauses in Athanasius his Creed, one conceives that it might, perhaps, be more appropriately styled the Creed of Anathema-maran-athanasius.

FROM GALWAY TO CANDY.

"GREGORY, remember thy swashing blow."

The Honourable Member's "blow" will be had where--

"The spicy breezes Blow soft o'er Ceylon's isle. And no one ever sneezes, Or feels a touch of bile."

UN MONSIEUR SMITH.

AMONG the news of the other day appeared the following:--

"Two Frenchmen, one of whom, however, gives the name of SMITH, are in custody, charged with the commission of several burglaries in the suburbs of the Metropolis."

You would have liked to hear one of the Frenchmen give the name of SMITH. His tongue, surely, betrayed him. M. VAURIEN, or whatever his real name was, of course, in attempting to give the name of SMITH, gave that of SMEET or SMIS. Give the name of SMITH, indeed! A Frenchman might as well try to give the password of Shibboleth.

A WORKING MAN ON WORK.

AT the National Congress of Trades Societies at Nottingham, last week, a MR. GRAHAM said:--

"In his opinion it was one of the rights of a free man to cease work when he wished, either for reasonable or even unreasonable causes."

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