Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 62 January 6 1872 by Various

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mily: Some thinking of advantage won, seemed scarce to trust their hold On that advantage, lest their prize turn dust, like fairy gold.

Only methought that Britain and Columbia, 'mid their peers, Showed eyes more hopeful, calmer brows, and lips less pale with fears: As having clearer view than most where surest faith should lie-- To put their trust in Providence, and keep their powder dry.

As being bent to fight the fight of common sense and truth: Nor yield the faith therein to fear, the rights thereof to ruth: Not give knaves, fools, or fanatics, the driving seat and reins: Worthy his hire to own each man who works, with hand or brains.

To recognise the Heavenly rule that various lots assigns, But ranges high and low alike 'neath Duty's even lines: To do to others as we would that they to us should do, To prize the blessings that we have, and others help thereto.

While Britain to this faith is firm, and puts this faith in deed, Little to her how plenteous or how poor the years succeed. She holds a hope good fortune reared not up, ill casts not down; Trusting the Power whose hand alike is o'er Red-Cap and Crown.

OLD GHOSTS AND NEW.

OF old, around the whitening embers, One, here and there, as yet remembers The tales of Ghosts, at Christmas season, Which once were wont to stagger Reason.

Those tales are told no more at Christmas, Whose Ghosts are laid beyond the Isthmus Of Suez, all beneath the billows Of the Red Sea, on sandy pillows.

The Ghosts with eyes of flame and saucer Are now as obsolete as CHAUCER; No Ghosts now rattle chains, nor blue light Emit, but "Spirit Lights"--a new light.

White-sheeted Ghosts have grown mere fables. Instead of groaning, Ghosts rap tables: With smells of sulphur ne'er assail us; With curious perfumes oft regale us.

They "mediums" raise by "levitation," And subject them to elongation, And in and out of windows float them, Two stories high, lords vow, we quote them.

Fruit, flowers, ice, other forms of matter, On tables, in the dark, Ghosts scatter; Live lobsters, wriggling eels, and so forth: Thus their "so potent art" they show forth.

There is a lady, MRS. GUPPY, Mark, shallow scientific puppy, The heaviest she in London, marry, Her, Spirits three miles long did carry.

Upon a table down they set her, Within closed doors. What! you know better? And we're all dupes or self-deceivers? Yah, Sadducees and unbelievers!

The grisly Ghosts of old have vanished; The ancient Bogies all are banished. How much more credible and pleasant Than the old Spirits are the present!

Memorandum for Lords of the Manor.

A GAME which, when played on Commons, becomes illegal, is the Game of Cribbage.

MEDICAL BARS.

MR. PUNCH,

A PRETTY dodge that is of the doctors and sawbones which have signed that there declaration respectin' Halcohol has as bin publish'd in the Papers. Wot I refers to moor partickler is their sayin that "Alcohol, in whatever form, should be prescribed with as much care as any powerful drug." Take this here along with their likewise sayin as they thinks the sale of liquors ought to be restricted by "wise legislation." Yah! What's the legislation as them medical gentlemen would call wise? I won't say, I should like to know, cos why I do know, and which therefore please alow me for to state, for to put a inliten'd Brittish Public on their gard agin a Doo. A liquor law for to shut up all the publichouses, and confine the sale of liquors--Halcohol in wotsomedever form, mind yer--to the 'pothecaries, chemists, and druggists, to be sold hunder conditions, like assnic or strikenine, or only wen horder'd by a fisitian's perscription. That's their objeck. That's wot they're arter. Anybody may see with arf an i they're all leged together to get the ole of the licker trade away from the legitimit Licens'd Wittlers into their own ands.

Now, Sir, just fancy under that sistim, if so be ever it passes, witch Evin forbid, what a halteration we should see direckly in doctors' shops. In coarse they'd ave to be a good deal inlarged to make room for the Bar and Beer-engine. Then, my i, what a variety of rum labels there would be on the big bottles, and the reseavers, and resevoys witch praps would do dooty amongst the fizzic for caskes and barrels. A young doctor chap, as uses my ouse, and promises to be a horniment to his perfession, rote me down a few names of liquors; he says, in Doctors' lattin, along with Pil: Colocynth Comp:, and Mist: Camph:, and sitch as we shall then see--Cerevis: Fort: XXX Burton:; Barel: Perk: etSoc: Integr:; Aq: Vitae Gallic:; Sp: Junip: Batavorum:; Vin: Rubr:; Vin Alb: Hispan:; Sp: Sacchari Jamaicens: Opt:; Vetus Thomas:; Ros Montan:; &c.; all witch you and your honour'd readers, bein scollards, will hunderstand. Yes; and you'll have medickle men perscribin wine, beer, and sperrits in quantities of Oj., and j. or ij., and ifs., and iij.; and patients will be payin extry fees to ave the same perscribed for 'em--dram drinkin in drams order'd medisinally.

Wich, afore that state of things is brought to pass, with defence not defiance for our motter, wot I say is, let's nale our cullers to the mast, No Surrender, and take to supplyin our customers with the werry best rubub, senna, and prerogative drugs, and likewise pilicotia, bark, prussic hacid and pizon of hevery description, as well as Halcohol in watever form, wich they pertends is so pernishus.

The Doctors' liquor shops, I dare say, will shut up on Sundays--but then no doubt but wot a short Notis outside will hinform you that "Medicine may be obtained by ringing the bell," the medsin including anything on draught you may choose to name, not exceptin punch, which cures the gout, the collect, and the tizzic--And it is allowed to be the werry best of fizzic. So no more at present from your obegent umbel Servant,

BUNG.

SUITABLE FOR LADIES OF ROBUST FIGURE.

MILITARY ECONOMY.

"The expense of providing and maintaining window blinds for officers' quarters is not chargeable against the public. Blinds now fixed, which have been supplied free of charge, may remain, provided they be maintained at the occupants' expense. Any occupant not wishing to retain the blinds at his own cost, will make a notification to this effect to the Controller of the district, in order that they may be removed and taken into store."

Officers' better halves are hardly likely to approve of this retrenchment in officers' quarters. Faded furniture and carpets will probably not find much favour in their eyes, nor will those eyes shine any brighter for being dazzled, as they will be, when the sunbeams stream in blindingly through the blindless windows. In rooms that face due South, a parasol will be a useful adjunct to a breakfast table, and we may even hear of officers with weak eyes being attacked by sharp ophthalmia, and, all owing to their blindless quarters, becoming helpless inmates of the Blind Asylum.

A Minor Cannon.

THE new 35-ton gun, or 700-pounder, is called The Woolwich Infant. Sweet Innocent! Let us hope that affairs may allow it long to remain such. Is the Woolwich Infant supposed to be a boy or a girl? If a boy, it must be admitted that there was never yet before such a Son of a Gun.

EVENINGS FROM HOME.

One morning, as they were sitting, after breakfast, in their lodgings in the Strand, TOMMY said to MR. BARLOW, "May I ask you a question, Sir?"

MR. BARLOW considered for a few moments, and then granted the desired permission.

TOMMY was so affected with this rebuke, that he only restrained his tears by a strong physical exertion, which resulted in his giving HARRY a kick on the shins underneath the table. For this, being a boy of generous disposition, he had the good-breeding and courtesy to apologise, in time to avert the severe damage which his head would have received at the hands of his friend HARRY; and, in order to propitiate the justly-aroused anger of MR. BARLOW, MASTER TOMMY offered to treat HARRY SANDFORD and their worthy preceptor to the play that very night; a proposal which, after some show of reluctance, both MR. BARLOW and HARRY SANDFORD cordially accepted.

At DRURY LANE.--On their arrival in the lobby of the Dress Circle, a kindly-spoken gentleman insisted upon relieving the party of their coats, and gave them a programme of the performance, for which they returned him their most sincere thanks; MR. BARLOW, moreover, promised him a gratuity on his leaving the theatre. This promise was accompanied by a significant look at HARRY, who fully appreciated his worthy preceptor's conduct. As to TOMMY, he was too full of wonder and admiration of all he saw to notice this transaction, and, indeed, the questions which arose to his lips during the evening were so numerous, that, with a discretion beyond his years, he determined to reserve them for a future occasion.

At the Scene of Dresden China Watteauesque figures, TOMMY'S delight declared itself in loud applause.

MR. BARLOW further explained that the Clown is human like ourselves; whereat TOMMY expressed himself dissatisfied.

TOMMY was much pleased, however, at HARRY'S application of a scientific fact, and expressed his determination of learning Astronomy at once, in order that he might be as ready as HARRY on any suitable occasion.

On quitting the theatre, MR. BARLOW promised the box-keeper a sixpence, whereat the poor man could scarcely refrain from embracing his benefactor. So they left.

HARRY submitted to this arrangement; and when the two boys were assured that their worthy preceptor was asleep, they took his latchkey, and sallied forth to enjoy themselves at EVANS'S supper-rooms.

A VIRTUOUS VESTRY.

E it known that a sort of Fair or miscellaneous Market is held in the New Cut every Sunday morning. There do people of the baser sort buy their Sunday dinners, and other matters which they fancy they want. The Lambeth Vestry, justly indignant at such goings on, appealed to COLONEL HENDERSON to put a stop to them. That haughty and sarcastic official declared that he should do nothing of the sort, unless the shopkeepers who keep their shops open on Sundays were also obliged to respect the day of rest. We pity the Colonel's want of logical power. What is there in common between a respectable shopkeeper, who pays rates, and a low person who wheels a barrow, or rents the flap over a cellarage? The Vestry scorned such terms, and have been taking the names of the vendors at this fair, and such addresses as the miserable creatures could give. Summonses have been issued, but the matter stands over for a few weeks.

"Stern HENDERSON repented, And gave them back the Fair."

If Vestries will enforce Sabbatarianism, and if Alliances will totally deprive the weaker classes of the Refreshments of which they mostly make bad use, we shall raise the standard of national morals, and entirely efface the discontent which some persons believe is felt with national institutions.

SEASONABLE SENTIMENT.--May the Commission of Inquiry into the Megaera business get to the bottom of it!

HOROSCOPE FOR 1872.

WITH the aid of this ingenious little instrument, the horoscope, which is simple in construction, easily cleaned, and to be had of all respectable dealers throughout the kingdom in gold, silver, mother-of-pearl, ormolu, aluminium, and other suitable materials, a clear insight may be obtained, on a fine evening, into the more salient events of the year one thousand eight hundred and seventy-two.

The observations we have been enabled to make with one of these instruments are so startling that, without loss of time, we hasten to lay them before the world, for the guidance and direction of reigning Sovereigns, Cabinet Ministers, School-Boards, Members of Parliament, Mayors, Magistrates, Mothers of Marriageable Daughters, Managers of Theatres, Newspaper Editors, Speculators, and others, who may be desirous to make their arrangements at once for the ensuing twelve months.

Parliament will meet early in February, a few days after it ceases to be legal to slaughter pheasants. It will be prorogued early in August, about the period when grouse-shooting becomes a lawful pastime.

The HOME SECRETARY will withdraw several measures in the course of the Session.

The London School-Board, by the active interposition of its Beadles, will clear the streets of from ten to twenty children.

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