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Read Ebook: Candida by Shaw Bernard
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Ebook has 722 lines and 19861 words, and 15 pages
MORELL . Hm! Time for him to take another look at Candida before she grows out of his knowledge.
LEXY. What a good man! What a thorough, loving soul he is!
PROSERPINE Oh, a man ought to be able to be fond of his wife without making a fool of himself about her.
LEXY . Oh, Miss Prossy!
PROSERPINE . Candida here, and Candida there, and Candida everywhere! It's enough to drive anyone out of their SENSES to hear a perfectly commonplace woman raved about in that absurd manner merely because she's got good hair, and a tolerable figure.
LEXY . I think her extremely beautiful, Miss Garnett. EXTREMELY beautiful. How fine her eyes are!
PROSERPINE. Her eyes are not a bit better than mine--now! And you know very well that you think me dowdy and second rate enough.
LEXY . Heaven forbid that I should think of any of God's creatures in such a way!
PROSERPINE. Thank you. That's very nice and comforting.
LEXY . I had no idea you had any feeling against Mrs. Morell.
PROSERPINE . I have no feeling against her. She's very nice, very good-hearted: I'm very fond of her and can appreciate her real qualities far better than any man can. You don't believe me? You think I'm jealous. Oh, what a profound knowledge of the human heart you have, Mr. Lexy Mill! How well you know the weaknesses of Woman, don't you? It must be so nice to be a man and have a fine penetrating intellect instead of mere emotions like us, and to know that the reason we don't share your amorous delusions is that we're all jealous of one another!
LEXY. Ah, if you women only had the same clue to Man's strength that you have to his weakness, Miss Prossy, there would be no Woman Question.
PROSERPINE . Where did you hear Morell say that? You didn't invent it yourself: you're not clever enough.
LEXY. That's quite true. I am not ashamed of owing him that, as I owe him so many other spiritual truths. He said it at the annual conference of the Women's Liberal Federation. Allow me to add that though they didn't appreciate it, I, a mere man, did.
PROSERPINE . Well, when you talk to me, give me your own ideas, such as they are, and not his. You never cut a poorer figure than when you are trying to imitate him.
LEXY . I try to follow his example, not to imitate him.
PROSERPINE . Yes, you do: you IMITATE him. Why do you tuck your umbrella under your left arm instead of carrying it in your hand like anyone else? Why do you walk with your chin stuck out before you, hurrying along with that eager look in your eyes--you, who never get up before half past nine in the morning? Why do you say "knoaledge" in church, though you always say "knolledge" in private conversation! Bah! do you think I don't know? Here, come and set about your work: we've wasted enough time for one morning. Here's a copy of the diary for to-day.
LEXY . Thank you.
BURGESS . They told me Mr. Morell was here.
PROSERPINE . He's upstairs. I'll fetch him for you.
BURGESS . You're not the same young lady as used to typewrite for him?
PROSERPINE. No.
BURGESS . No: she was younger. Startin' on your rounds, Mr. Mill?
LEXY . Yes: I must be off presently.
BURGESS . Don't let me detain you, Mr. Mill. What I come about is private between me and Mr. Morell.
LEXY . I have no intention of intruding, I am sure, Mr. Burgess. Good morning.
BURGESS . Oh, good morning to you.
MORELL . Off to work?
LEXY. Yes, sir.
MORELL . Take my silk handkerchief and wrap your throat up. There's a cold wind. Away with you.
BURGESS. Spoilin' your curates, as usu'l, James. Good mornin'. When I pay a man, an' 'is livin' depen's on me, I keep him in his place.
MORELL . I always keep my curates in their places as my helpers and comrades. If you get as much work out of your clerks and warehousemen as I do out of my curates, you must be getting rich pretty fast. Will you take your old chair?
BURGESS . Just the same as hever, James!
MORELL. When you last called--it was about three years ago, I think--you said the same thing a little more frankly. Your exact words then were: "Just as big a fool as ever, James?"
BURGESS . Well, perhaps I did; but I meant no offence by it. A clergyman is privileged to be a bit of a fool, you know: it's on'y becomin' in his profession that he should. Anyhow, I come here, not to rake up hold differences, but to let bygones be bygones. James: three year ago, you done me a hill turn. You done me hout of a contrac'; an' when I gev you 'arsh words in my nat'ral disappointment, you turned my daughrter again me. Well, I've come to act the part of a Cherischin. I forgive you, James.
MORELL . Confound your impudence!
BURGESS . Is that becomin' language for a clergyman, James?--and you so partic'lar, too?
MORELL . No, sir, it is not becoming language for a clergyman. I used the wrong word. I should have said damn your impudence: that's what St. Paul, or any honest priest would have said to you. Do you think I have forgotten that tender of yours for the contract to supply clothing to the workhouse?
BURGESS . I acted in the interest of the ratepayers, James. It was the lowest tender: you can't deny that.
MORELL. Yes, the lowest, because you paid worse wages than any other employer--starvation wages--aye, worse than starvation wages--to the women who made the clothing. Your wages would have driven them to the streets to keep body and soul together. Those women were my parishioners. I shamed the Guardians out of accepting your tender: I shamed the ratepayers out of letting them do it: I shamed everybody but you. How dare you, sir, come here and offer to forgive me, and talk about your daughter, and--
BURGESS. Easy, James, easy, easy. Don't git hinto a fluster about nothink. I've howned I was wrong.
MORELL . Have you? I didn't hear you.
BURGESS. Of course I did. I hown it now. Come: I harsk your pardon for the letter I wrote you. Is that enough?
MORELL . That's nothing. Have you raised the wages?
BURGESS . Yes.
MORELL . What!
BURGESS . I've turned a moddle hemployer. I don't hemploy no women now: they're all sacked; and the work is done by machinery. Not a man 'as less than sixpence a hour; and the skilled 'ands gits the Trade Union rate. What 'ave you to say to me now?
MORELL . Is it possible! Well, there's more joy in heaven over one sinner that repenteth-- My dear Burgess, I most heartily beg your pardon for my hard thoughts of you. And now, don't you feel the better for the change? Come, confess, you're happier. You look happier.
BURGESS . Well, p'raps I do. I s'pose I must, since you notice it. At all events, I git my contrax asseppit by the County Council. They dussent'ave nothink to do with me unless I paid fair wages--curse 'em for a parcel o' meddlin' fools!
MORELL . So that was why you raised the wages!
BURGESS . Why else should I do it? What does it lead to but drink and huppishness in workin' men? It's hall very well for you, James: it gits you hinto the papers and makes a great man of you; but you never think of the 'arm you do, puttin' money into the pockets of workin' men that they don't know 'ow to spend, and takin' it from people that might be makin' a good huse on it.
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