Read Ebook: Mr. Punch Afloat: The Humours of Boating and Sailing by Hammerton J A John Alexander Editor Tenniel John Illustrator

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Ebook has 262 lines and 28924 words, and 6 pages

LEST MEN FORGET;

Oh, what is a maid to do When never a swain will woo; When Viennese dresses And eddying tresses And eyes of a heavenly blue,

Ah, then, must a maid despair? Ah, no, but betimes repair With her magical tresses And summery dresses To upper Thames reaches, where

She turns her wan cheek to the sun ; Her glorious flame, Well skilled in the game, Flings kisses that burn like fun

And cheeks that had lost their charm Grow rosy and soft and warm; Eyes lately so dull Of sun-light are full As masculine hearts with alarm.

For jealousy by degrees Steals over the swain who sees The cheek he was slighting Another delighting, And so he is brought to his knees.

THE AMATEUR YACHTSMAN

I'm bad when at sea, yet it's pleasant to me To charter a yacht and go sailing, But please understand I ne'er lose sight of land, Though hardier sailors are railing. If only the ship, that's the yacht, wouldn't dip, And heel up and down and roll over, And wobble about till I want to get out, I'd think myself fairly in clover.

But, bless you! my craft, though the wind is abaft, Will stagger when meeting the ripple, Until a man feels both his head and his heels Reversed as if full of his tipple. In vain my blue serge when from seas we emerge, Though dressed as a nautical dandy; I can't keep my legs, and I call out for "pegs" Of rum, or of soda and brandy.

A yacht is a thing, they say, fit for a king, And still it is not to my liking; My short pedigree does not smack of the sea,-- I can't pose a bit like a viking. It's all very well when there isn't a swell, But when that comes on I must toddle And go down below, for a bit of a blow Upsets my un-nautical noddle.

Britannia may rule her own waves,--I'm a fool To try the same game, but, believe me, Though catching it hot, yet to give up my "Yot" Would certainly terribly grieve me. You see, it's the rage, like the Amateur Stage, Or Coaching, Lawn-Tennis, or Hunting: So, though I'm so queer, I go yachting each year, And hoist on the Solent my bunting.

A HENLEY TOAST.--"May rivals meet without any sculls being broken!"

OF COURSE!--The very place for a fowl--Henley!

ROBERT ON THE RIVER

It was ony a week or so ago as I was engaged perfeshnally on board a steam Yot that had been hired for about as jolly a party as I ewer remembers to have had on board a ship, and the Forreners among 'em had ewidently been brort for to see what a reel lovely River the Tems is. I must say I was glad to get away from Town, as I 'ad 'ad a shock from seeing a something dreadful on an old showcard outside of the Upraw which they tells me is now given up to Promenades. So we started from Skindel's, at Madenhed Bridge, and took 'em right up to Gentlemanly Marlow, and on to old Meddenham, and then to Henley, and lots of other butiful places, and then back to Skindel's to dinner. And a jolly nice little dinner they guv us, and sum werry good wine, as our most critical gests--and we had two Corporation gents among 'em--couldn't find not no fault with. But there's sum peeple as it ain't not of no use to try to sattisfy with butiful seenery--at least, not if they bees Amerrycains. They don't seem not to have the werry least hadmiration or respect for anythink as isn't werry big, and prefur size to buty any day of the week.

"Well, it's a nice-looking little stream enuff," says an Amerrycain, who was a board a grinnin; "but it's really quite a joke to call it a River. Why, in my country," says he, "if you asked me for to show you a River, I should take you to Mrs. Sippy's, and when we got about harf way across it, I guess you'd see a reel River then, for it's so wide that you carn't see the land on either side of it, so you sees nothink else but the River, and as that's what you wanted for to see, you carn't werry well grumble then." I shood, most suttenly, have liked for to have asked him, what sort of Locks they had in sitch a River as that, and whether Mrs. Sippy cort many wales when she went out for a day's fishing in that little River of hers, but I knows my place, and never asks inconvenient questions.

However, he was a smart sort of feller, and had 'em I must say werry nicely indeed a few minutes arterwards. We was a passing a werry butiful bit of the river called a Back Water, and he says, says he, "As it's so preshus hot in the sun, why don't we run in there and enjoy the shade for a time, while we have our lunch?" "Oh," says one of the marsters of the feast, "we are not allowed to go there; that's privet, that is." "Why how can that be?" says he, "when you told me, just now, as you'd lately got a Hact of Parliament passed which said that wherever Tems Water flowed it was open to all the world, as of course it ort to be." "Ah," said the other, looking rayther foolish, "but this is one of the xceptions, for there's another claws in the hact as says that wherever any body has had a hobstruction in the River for 20 years it belongs to him for hever, but he musn't make another nowheres."

The Amerrycain grinned as before, and said, "Well, I allers said as you was about the rummiest lot of people on the face of the airth, and this is on'y another proof of it. You are so werry fond of everythink as is old, that if a man can show as he has had a cussed noosance for twenty years, he may keep it coz he's had it so long, while all sensible peeple must think, as that's one more reeson for sweeping the noosance clean away." And I must say, tho he was a Amerrycane, that I coodn't help thinking as he was right.

ROBERT.

THE UNIVERSAL MOTTO AT HENLEY.--Open houseboat.

BO'SEN JAMES AND THE GREAT SEA-SARPINT

Three bold sailormen all went a-sailin' Out into the Northern Sea, And they steered Nor'-West by three quarters West Till they came to Norwegee. They was three bold men as ever you'd see, And these was their Christian names: There was Long-legged Bill and Curly Dick, And the third was Bo'sen James;-- And they went to catch the Great Sea-Sarpint, Which they wished for to stop his games.

Long-legged Bill was in the main-top a-watchin' For Sea-Sarpints, starn and grim, When through the lee-scupper bold Curly Dick peeped, And he says, says he, "That's him!" Then quick down the rattlins the long-legged 'un slid-- Which pale as a shrimp was he-- While Dick he rolled forrard into the cuddy, Where Bo'sen James happened to be, For James he was what you'd call the ship's cook, And he was a-makin' the tea.

Then says Curly Dick, says he, "Bless my peepers!" "Here's the Great Sea-Sarpint a-comin' aboard, With a wart upon his nose! Which his head's as big as the jolly-boat, And his mouth's as wide as the Thames, And his mane's as long as the best bower cable, And his eyes like blazin' flames-- And he's comin' aboard right through the lee-scupper!" "Belay there!" says Bo'sen James.

Howsever, bold Bo'sen he went down to leeward, While Curly Dick shook with funk; And Long-legged Bill he hid in the caboose, A-yellin' "We'll all be sunk!" You might a'most heard a marlinspike drop As Bo'sen James he looked out. Then down through the scupper his head it went, And there came a tremenjous shout, "Sea-Sarpint be blowed, ye darned landlubbers! Who's left this here mop hangin' out?"

A WORD TO THE Y.'S AT HENLEY.--Try again; you will be Yale-fellow, well met!

HINTS FOR HENLEY

Take care to be invited to the best situated houseboat.

If you can, get permission to ask a few friends to join your host's party at luncheon.

Be sure to secure the pleasantest seat, the most amusing neighbour, and all the periodicals.

If you are conversationally inclined, monopolise the talk, and if you are not, plead a headache for keeping every one silent.

Mind that "No. 1" is your particular numerical distinction, and that the happiness of the rest of the world is a negligible quantity.

If you are a man, keep smoking cigars and sipping refreshing beverages until it is time to eat and drink seriously; if you are of the other sex, flirt, chatter, or sleep, as the impulse moves you.

HOW TO ENJOY LIFE ON THE RIVER

Get a houseboat and be sure that it is water-tight and free from rats and other unpleasant visitors.

Take care that your servants have no objection to roughing it, and can turn their hands to anything usually supplied in town by the stores.

Accustom yourself to food in tins and bottles, and learn to love insects with or without wings.

Acclimatise yourself to mists and fogs and rainy days, and grow accustomed to reading papers four days old and the advertisements of out-of-date railway guides.

Try to love the pleasures of a regatta. Do not quarrel with the riparian owners or the possessors of other houseboats. Enjoy the pleasantries of masked musicians, and take an intelligent interest in the racing. Illuminate freely, and do your best to avoid a fire or an explosion. And if you have fireworks, don't sort them out with the light of a blazing squib or some illuminant of a similar character.

Be good, and mild and long-suffering. Rest satisfied with indifferently cooked food, damp sheets, and wearisome companions. And make the best of storms of rain and hurricanes of wind. In fact, bear everything, and grin when you can't laugh.

NAUTICAL MANOEUVRES

WHAT NO ONE SHOULD FORGET, IN CROSSING THE CHANNEL

To place his rugs, carpet-bags, and umbrellas on the six best seats on the boat.

To worry the captain with remarks about the state of the weather and the performance of the steamer: to observe to the steward that there is a change in the weather, and that there were more passengers the last time he crossed.

To speak to the man at the wheel, and ask him whether there was much sea on last trip.

To change his last half-crown into French money, and squabble with the steward as to the rate of exchange.

To stare at his neighbours, read aloud their names on their luggage, and remark audibly that he'll lay anything the lady with the slight twang is an American.

To repeat the ancient joke on "Back her! stop her!"

If the passage is rough, to put his feet on his neighbour's head, after appropriating all the cushions in the cabin.

To call for crockery in time. N.B.--Most important.

To groan furiously for an hour and a half, if a sufferer; or, if utterly callous to waves and their commotions, to eat beef and ham, and drink porter and brandy-and-water, during the entire voyage, with as much clattering of forks and noise of mastication as is compatible with enjoyment.

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