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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 107 August 18 1894 by Various
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VOL. 107.
AUGUST 18, 1894.
MORE ORNAMENTAL THAN USEFUL.
"Usher," cried the Chairman at length with some impatience; "I am sure you must be wrong. Let us see some of the occupants of the adjoining office."
The usher bowed with a grace that had been acquired by several years study in deportment in the Board School, and replied that he fancied that most of the applicants were too highly educated for the coveted position.
"Too highly educated!" exclaimed the representative of municipal progress. "It is impossible to be too highly educated! You don't know what you're talking about!"
"Pardon me, Sir," returned the Usher, with another graceful inclination of the head, "but would not 'imperfectly acquainted with the subject of your discourse' be more polished? But, with your permission, I will obey you."
And then the official returned to usher in an aged man wearing spectacles. The veteran immediately fell upon his knees and began to implore the Committee to appoint him to the vacant post.
"Remove him, Usher!" cried the Chairman; and the veteran was removed in tears.
A second, a third, and a fourth made their appearance, and disappeared, and none of them would do. They were all singularly accomplished.
At length a rough man, who had been lounging down the street, walked into the Council-chamber.
"What may you want, Sir?" asked the Chairman, indignantly.
"What's that to you?" was the prompt reply. "I ain't a going to tell everyone my business--not me--you bet!"
"Ungrammatical!" said Committee Man No. One. "Very promising."
"Uncouth and vulgar!" murmured Committee Man No. Two.
"Where were you educated?" queried the Chairman.
"Nowheres in particular. I was brought up in the wilds of Canada. There's not much book learning over there," and the rough fellow indulged in a loud hoarse laugh.
"Ah! that accounts for your not having enjoyed the great advantages of the School Board. Have you seen the circular--have you read the details of the proposed appointment?"
"Me read!" cried the uncouth one; "oh, that is a game! Why I can't read nor yet write!"
"Better and better," said Committee Man No. One.
"First rate," murmured Committee Man No. Two. "I think we have at length found our ideal."
Then the usher read the advertisement.
"What! shake the hall mat!" cried the candidate. "Why I could do that little job on my head!"
So there being no other applicant for the post, the backwoods' ignoramus was appointed office-sweeper at a couple of hundred pounds a year.
"Rather high wages," said the Chairman to himself, as he went home on the top of an omnibus; "but what can one expect when we educate all the children at the cost of the rates. Last year there was an additional farthing; this year we have to pay five shillings, and goodness only knows how much it will be hereafter!"
And as he thought this, the Chairman heartily cursed the School Board.
RE-DRESS REQUIRED.
Walking down street. Met another nurse--a real one, I suppose. She stared, turned red, and then looked horribly offended. I believe she must have made some sign to me that I didn't understand. Are Nurses Freemasons, I wonder? Quite a secret society, it seems. Really that sort of thing oughtn't to be allowed. It makes things so awkward for the impost--the imitators, I mean.
Scott on the New Woman.
HINT FOR THE ALPINE SEASON.
Fain would I climb, but,--well, my belt's too small.
LINES IN PLEASANT PLACES.
In the gardens at Kew It were certainly sweet To be wand'ring with you, Far from city and street; 'Twere the one thing, dear NELLIE, my joy and content to complete In the gardens at Kew.
In the gardens at Kew We would sit in the shade For an hour or two, Without chaperone's aid, And your head on my shoulder might be lovingly laid In the gardens at Kew.
The Cry of the Croakers.
MEM. BY AN OVERWORKED ONE.
With "brain-fag" our swift, feverish age is rife, And death is oft the mere "fag-end" of life.
SOMETHING LIKE A "PACKED MEETING."--The meeting of the various Arctic Expeditions in the Polar Ice Pack.
"JUSTICE AS SHE IS SPOKEN IN FRANCE."
DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Now that we are close upon the silly season, when it is most difficult to get interesting "copy" for the columns of the daily papers, may I be permitted to make a suggestion? No doubt you have seen an account of the examination of CASERIO SANTO by the President of the Court on the occasion of his trial. Could not the idea be naturalised in London by the Metropolitan Police Magistrates? I would not, of course, propose to apply the method in cases of a serious character, but used in what are known as "the night charges," the practice would become very interesting. To better explain my meaning. I will imagine that a prisoner who has been arrested on a charge of being "drunk and incapable" is standing in front of his worship.
"TO BE TAKEN AS READ."
THE LAST CHAPTER.
And so amidst the joy bells of the old church and the songs of the nightingales, and the pleasant laughter of the little children, EDWIN and ANGELINA were married. As they passed under the oaken porch the Duke gave them his blessing. Need it be said they lived happily--like a prince and a princess in fairy tale--for ever after?
Captain MONTMORENCY GUILT, kicked out of his club and warned off the Turf at Newmarket, left England with his ill-gotten gains for Cairo. Arrived in Egypt, he disappeared into the Soudan. Those of the Arabs who came from the desert declare that there is a white ruler in Khartoum. Whether it be he, who knows? Still, the stories of cruelty brought back by the swarthy traders are not unsuggestive of the man who brought poor PAULINE to her grave and broke the Bank at Monte Carlo.
And what became of PAUL PETERSON? Overwhelmed with the secret sorrow that could never be shared by another, he went his way to the wilds of Australia. And there, under the starlight influence of the Southern Cross, and amidst the glorious glaciers of the Boomerang Mountains, he tries to forget the terrible and half-forgiven details of the "Deed in Drab."
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