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Read Ebook: Punch and Judy with Instructions How to Manage the Little Wooden Actors Containing New and Easy Dialogues Arranged for the Use of Beginners Desirous to Learn How to Work the Puppets. For Sunday Schools Private Parties Festivals and Parlor Entertainments. by Ward Thomas A M
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Ebook has 258 lines and 13419 words, and 6 pages
PUNCH.--Gone to sleep.
JUDY.-- Where have you put it?--is it in the cradle?
PUNCH.--No my dear, I put it into the soup.
JUDY.--PUNCH, where's that child? Tell me quickly.
PUNCH.--The Child cried and I dropped it out at the window.
JUDY.--I'll drop you on the floor--depend upon it--where is my stick?
PUNCH.--There she goes--three feet three inches and a chaw tobacco high. "there was an old woman who lived in her shoe--shoe--shew!"
JUDY.--You monster--I'll teach you how to hold a child--you nasty puke.
PUNCH.--So-o-oftly--JUDY my dear so-o-oftly! don't be a fool!
JUDY.--You'll drop my poor child out at the window will you?
PUNCH.--Don't JUDY--stop I tell you--a joke is a joke.
JUDY.--You cruel man--you think it is a joke do you--it is no joke with me to have my poor dear child beat to death! I'll show you how to use a child.
PUNCH.--I don't want to learn--are you in earnest?
JUDY.--Yes I am.
PUNCH.--Leave off I tell you. What! you refuse? do you?
JUDY.--I won't leave off.
PUNCH.--Very well my lady; now comes my turn. How do you like that? old gal, and that?
JUDY.--Mr. PUNCH, you ought to be ashamed of yourself to strike a woman! a helpless woman like me--get out with you.
JUDY.--Don't you never strike me any more.
PUNCH.--No never! now my dear go down stairs and take care of the baby--you be good to me and I'll be good to you.
I am a jolly shoe-maker my name is Dick Ale, I am a bit of a beast for I live in a stall, With an ugly old wife and a tortoise shell cat, I mend boots and shoes with a rat-a-tat-tat.
JUDY.--Mr. PUNCH, have you seen Polly Hopkins?
PUNCH.--No I haven't seen her since she had the measles.
JUDY.--Well now since you are in such good humor let us join in a nice little dance.
PUNCH.--Of woman kind I do admire but one and you are she my dearest dear, therefore it shall be done.
DOCTOR.--He is not here JOE, you go through the house--find Mr. PUNCH and tell him I want to see him.
JOE.--Yes sir--I spec he is in de house.
DR.--Is your name PUNCH?
PUNCH.--Yes I am PUNCH--who are you?
DR.--Well sir I am a Doctor.
PUNCH.--Why I am not sick!
DR.--That may be--I have restored to health your little child.
PUNCH.--DR. you are a good fellow. Come and see me some time when I am not at home.
DR.--Mr. PUNCH, my charge for curing the child is fifty dollars.
PUNCH.--Sir: do you take me for the Bank of England?
DR.--Well, to be liberal with you I will throw off one half.
PUNCH.--I will not be outdone in liberality--I will throw off the other half!
DR.--Mr. PUNCH, if you don't pay me I will send the sheriff for you.
PUNCH.-- Lucky for you old chap or I would have made a pill of you.
POLLY.--How do you do sir? I am looking for the man who lived in the house that Jack built.
PUNCH.-- Oh, good gracious what a pretty girl: in the language of Shakspear, I am the man.
POLLY.--Why your name is Mr. PUNCH, I know you!
PUNCH.--Yes, how on earth did that little girl learn my name? My little daughter, there are said to be one hundred rooms in my house--but I never could find but ninety--where the other ten are I never knew. But there are about one thousand big Norway rats who live in this house--run riot all night and don't pay no rent. Three days ago I wrote on a number of pieces of papers for the rats to leave--one of these papers was put in every rat-hole in this house.
POLLY.--Have they left?
POLLY.--Did you ever catch any of them?
PUNCH.--Oh, yes, bless you, I made a pot-pie of big fat rats but I could not eat it. I never did like rats any way you can cook them.
POLLY.--What did you do with the pot-pie?
PUNCH.--I gave it to my wife's poor relations.
POLLY.--Mr. PUNCH, 'mother says you are my grandfather's great uncle--when I was a little child you promised me a dollar!'
PUNCH.--I remember it, that was six years ago. It is nice to be a father.
POLLY.--Uncle, you won't forget the dollar?
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