Homepage
Login
Profile
BookClubs
dmBox
Read Ebook: In the Days of Giants: A Book of Norse Tales by Brown Abbie Farwell Smith E Boyd Elmer Boyd Illustrator
Font size:
Background color:
Text color:
Add to tbrJar First Page Next Page
Ebook has 18 lines and 2651 words, and 1 pages
VOL. 108. JUNE 22, 1895.
ROUNDABOUT READINGS.
It has been noticed by philosophers that a mere name will often lead a man to his ruin. Why, for example, was JOHN DARLEY fined twenty shillings and costs at the Tynemouth Petty Sessions? He met a boiler-smith, RICHARD ROTHWELL, riding on a bicycle. Thereupon, without any apparent reason, he used abusive language, bashed the unoffending boiler-smith on the nose, brandished a knife, and shouted out, "Come on!--I'm JOHNNY DARLEY, from Byker." There you have it. Residing, as he did, in a perpetual comparative, he naturally despised and loathed the positive "byke." Hence his violent assault on its rider.
I observe, with deep regret, that Professor LLOYD, of Southport, has been fined for trespassing on a railway bridge at Preston. The Professor did not want to stay there. All he wished to do, and all that he actually did, was to dive off into the water below. He is an aquatic Professor, and informed the Bench that he was obliged to do these things to keep up his reputation.
I'll tell you a tale of Professor LLOYD, Who dived off a bridge at Preston-- An act that the magistrates much annoyed, Though he kept both his coat and vest on. They said "You mustn't repeat this joke, Professor, or else you'll rue it." But LLOYD, the Professor, he up and spoke, And said, "I'm obliged to do it. Up on the bridge I stand for awhile, I stand till I fairly shiver. Then down I go--it seems like a mile-- And I plunge in the bubbling river. I hope your worships won't "queer my pitch," For I'm sorry to give you trouble In maintaining a reputation which Is so closely combined with bubble."
The Master and the Matron of the workhouse at Stratford-on-Avon have resigned, and the guardians have been "considerably discussing" the appointment of their successors. Eventually it was resolved, not only to reduce the salaries, but also--hear this, ye licensed victuallers!--to cut off the beer-money hitherto paid. What dignity can possibly attach to a workhouse officer who has to pay for his own beer? It is by such insidious attacks as this that the foundations of public confidence are shaken, and the whole fabric of the Constitution is endangered. My mind misgives me when I attempt to forecast the future of Stratford.
MR. N. F. DRUCE, of Cambridge, is, as I write, at the head of the batting averages of this year, and next to him comes the marvellous W. G.
Ye batsmen attend, of my hints make a use, And consider the greatness of GRACE and of DRUCE. If you wish to make hundreds your names, you'll agree Must be monosyllabic and end with c, e.
ASCOT.
I can to write your language enough well, but I speak with much of difficulty. Therefore I read the affixes without nothing to ask. Thus when I read "One Pound" I go no more far. I walk myself in the charming garden and I see the beautiful misses. Ah how they are adorable! DAUDET has wrong, DAUDET is imbecile, they are adorable. It is not the pain to pay again some pounds for to see to run the horses, when I can to see the misses who walk themselves here, without to pay of more.
I essay to enter. The policeman stops me. I say, "One pound?" and I offer to him one sov. He looks all around, and then he says, quite low, "No good, Sir--the inspector's looking." I say, "She is good, that pound there, I assure you of it. Is there two to pay?" And I hold one other. Then the inspector comes and says I bribe the policeman. I say that no. He says that yes. I am furious. I say I pay the entrance. He says, "Get off the course." I refuse. He pushes me. I resist. Other policemen push me. Just heaven, they force me to go! I cannot resist. Then all the people in face cry furiously. They shout "Welshman!" How they are stupid! Can they think that I am a Welshman--me, AUGUSTE? Ah, that it is droll! Then the policemen run, and I run also. I wish not to run, but I am forced. And, in fine, we are at the railway station, and they put me in a train, and I arrive to London at three o'clock. See there all that I have seen of your races of Ascot, and I have paid one sov. It costs very dear.
Sincere friendships, AUGUSTE.
THE MAN AND THE MAID.
A RULE OF CONDUCT.
SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.
A famous old mill has been burned to the ground. None other than that situate upon the river Dee, where a certain jolly miller sang songs and earned the envy of "bluff King HAL" in days of old, wearing the white flour of a blameless life. He also wore a white hat, for the purpose, it is said, of keeping his head warm. The modern miller wears one in summer to keep his head cool. No doubt he found it useful at the fire. Great thing to keep a cool head on such occasions. The mill has now been destroyed by fire four times. There was an ancient prophecy, according to a local paper, that it was doomed to be burned down three times. This Delphic oracle would, of course, have inspired the simple gentlemen of old Greece to give up insuring after the third fire. Probably the modern "miller of the Dee" has committed a paradox, and profited by a lofty disregard for his prophet.
RUS IN URBE
A SKETCH IN REGENT'S PARK.
Add to tbrJar First Page Next Page