Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 109 July 13 1895 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor

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A REAL UNCROWNED KING.--At a meeting of the Town Commissioners of Kinsale, a report of the proceedings discloses a conversation of a truly remarkable kind--

"The Chairman thought that if they paid Mr. PUNCH his quarter's salary up to the 1st February they would be dealing very fairly with him, especially as they had appointed his son as his successor.... Messrs. KIELY and P. S. O'CONNOR contended that as Mr. PUNCH was never dismissed by them, and the non-performance of his duties was through no fault of his own, he was entitled to some remuneration."

"It is surely time Mr. DUNCAN saw to his bus-drivers' hats! Such a miscellaneous collection of seedy hats, I think, could not be found elsewhere; they are a positive disgrace to the city."

The writer ought to have signed himself "MACBETH;" the "unguarded DUNCAN," whoever he may be, must be on his guard, or passengers will strike for better hats. All bus-drivers and conductors should wear silk hats, to typify the habitual softness of their address. Why not put them into livery at once? The company that did that would probably attract no end of custom. No revolution like it, since the abolition of the box-seat! Uniform charges and uniformed conductors should be the future rule of the road.

"NOT KILT, BUT SPACHELESS."--At Clonakilty Sessions the other day, the following evidence was given:--

"PATRICK FEEN was examined, and stated he resided at Dunnycove, parish of Ardfield.... Gave defendant's brother a blow of his open hand and knocked him down for fun, and out of friendship. "

What a good-natured, open-handed friend Mr. PATRICK FEEN must be! JOHN HEGARTY, the person assaulted, corroborated the account, and added,--

"When he was knocked down, he stopped there. "

In fact, he "held the field," and "remained in possession of the ground." Who will now say that the old humour is dying out in Erin?

BRIGGS, OF BALLIOL.

BRIGGS was the gayest dog in Balliol. If there was a bonfire in the quad, and if the dons found their favourite chairs smouldering in the ashes, BRIGGS was at the bottom of it. If the bulldogs were led a five-mile chase at one o'clock in the morning, the gownless figure that lured them on was BRIGGS. If the supper at VINNIE'S became so uproarious that the Proctor thought it necessary to interfere, the gentleman that dropped him from the first-floor window was BRIGGS. Anyone else would have been sent down over and over again, but--BRIGGS stroked the Balliol boat: BRIGGS had his cricket blue; BRIGGS was a dead certainty against Cambridge for the quarter and the hundred: in short, BRIGGS was indispensable to the College and the 'Varsity, and therefore he was allowed to stay.

The following day there was a garden-party at Trinity. BRIGGS said he was playing for the 'Varsity against Lancashire, and therefore could not go. Imagine my surprise then, when, as I was doing the polite among the strawberries and cream, I caught sight of him slinking down the lime grove at the heels of the O'GRESS. I rubbed my eyes and looked again. Yes, it was BRIGGS indeed. The face was his; the features were his; the figure was his; the clothes were his--but, the buoyant step? the merry laugh? where, where, eh! where were they?

The Long Vac. passed, and we were all up again for Michaelmas Term. There was a blank in our circle. "Where's BRIGGS?" asked BROWN. "Where's BRIGGS?" asked TROTTER of Trinity. We looked at one another. What! Nobody seen BRIGGS? Not up yet?--Better go and see. We went to his rooms. No BRIGGS there, and not a sign of his coming. We went to JONES. JONES knew no more than we; to SMITH, GREEN, ROBERTS--all equally ignorant. At last we tried the Porter. What! hadn't we heard the news? News? No! What news? The Porter's face grew long. Why, Mr. BRIGGS, 'e weren't comin' up no more. Not coming up? Not coming up? Nonsense! Impossible!--Fact, gentlemen, fact. The Master,'e'd 'ad a note from Mr. BRIGGS, sayin' as 'ow 'e wouldn't be back agin. No one knew nothink more than that. No one could explain it.

There was despair in Balliol. What would become of us? Without BRIGGS we could never catch B. N. C. Magdalen would bump us to a certainty, and we could hardly hope to escape the House. In football it would be just as bad. Keble and Exeter would simply jump on us, and not a single Balliol man would have his blue. The position was appalling; ruin stared us in the face; the College was in consternation, for BRIGGS had disappeared.

NOTE BY A NATIONALIST.

Thomas Henry Huxley.

BORN, MAY 4, 1825. DIED, JUNE 30, 1895.

Business.

MR. BRIEFLESS, JUN., ON THE LONG VACATION.

Unfortunately I was prevented, by an appointment of a semi-professional character--I had been desired by a maiden aunt to give her my advice upon a question, of damage arising out of a canine assault committed by her lap-dog--from being present at the General Meeting of the Bar, and consequently was unable to take part in the annual deliberations of my learned and friendly colleagues. From what passed on the occasion to which I refer, I gather that there was an inclination to call the Benchers of the Inns of Court to account. It seems to me--and I believe that I am right in the opinion--that, so long as our Masters worthily represent the dignity of the profession, we Members of the Inner and Outer Bar have no tangible cause for complaint.

A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.

Football is to be played in all the schools and colleges of Russia. The champion of the game is known as Prince KHIKOFF.

ON VIEW AT HENLEY.

The most characteristic work of that important official, the clerk of the weather.

The young lady who has never been before, and wants to know the names of the eights who compete for the Diamond Sculls.

The enthusiastic boating man, who, however, prefers luncheon when the hour arrives, to watching the most exciting race imaginable.

The itinerant vendors of "coolers" and other delightful comestibles.

The troupes of niggers selected and not quite select.

The house-boat with decorations in odious taste, and company to match.

The "perfect gentleman's rider" who remembers boating at Asni?res thirty years ago, when JULES wore when rowing lavender kid-gloves and high top-boots.

The calm mathematician , who would prefer to see the races represented by an equation.

The cute Yankee , who is quite sure that some of the losing crews have been "got at" while training.

The guaranteed enclosure, with band, lunch and company of the same quality.

The "very best view of the river" from a dozen points of the compass.

Neglected maidens, bored matrons, and odd men out.

Quite the prettiest toilettes in the world.

The Thames Conservancy in many branches.

Launches: steam, electric, accommodating and the reverse.

Men in flannels who don't boat, and men in tweeds who do.

A vast multitude residential, and a vaster come per rail from town.

Three glorious days of excellent racing, at once national and unique.

An aquatic festival, a pattern to the world.

And before all and above all, a contest free from all chicanery, and the very embodiment of fairplay.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

"I'm getting up in years now, TOBY," said THE MARKISS, "and I've had pretty long experience in making up Ministries. But I assure you I've been staggered during last week, including in special degree the last hour. The more offices assigned, the narrower becomes the basis of operation, and the more desperate the rush of the attacking party. You'd be surprised if you saw the list of men who have asked me for something. As a rule they don't put it in that general way. They know precisely what they want, and are not bashful in giving it a name, though they usually end up by saying that if this particular post is disposed of, anything else will do. In fact, like the cabman and the coy fare, they leave it to me. I am, as you know, of placid temperament, inclined to take genial views of my fellow-man. But I declare, if the process of forming a Ministry under my direction were extended beyond a fortnight, I should become a confirmed cynic."

House full, considering the nearness of Dissolution. Members anxious above all things to meet their constituents. Grudge every hour that holds them from their embrace. Still, it is well upon occasion to practise self-denial. Ten days or even a fortnight with constituents during progress of contest inevitable. Just as well not to anticipate. So House crowded to see PRINCE ARTHUR return. Slight flush on his cheek as with swinging stride he comes to take up sceptre PEEL once held, that DIZZY deftly wielded, that GLADSTONE of late laid down. After him, second only to him, JOSEPH--JOSEPH in his very best summer suit, appropriate to occasion when sun shines most brightly. Then JOKIM, who has descended to frivolity of white waistcoat, which casts ghastly pallor over festive scene. Last of all, type in these days of stern, unbending Toryism, MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH.

"BEACH," said SARK, coming back to the English tongue, "has never either manoeuvred or wobbled. He is of the very flower of English political squirearchy. He has principles and convictions, and he sticks to them. So, when a Conservative Ministry arrives, he walks in last, and, on the Treasury Bench, takes any seat others may not have appropriated. Consider these things, TOBY, my boy. If you're bringing up any pups to a political career, the study may be useful to you and them." PRIVATE HANBURY got his stripes. After pegging away for years at Treasury, PRINCE ARTHUR now put him on to repel attacks. Will do it well too. An admirable appointment. Sad thing about it is, that it breaks up a cherished companionship; parts friends by the height and width and back of Treasury Bench.

"JOSEPH," he said, folding his arms in historic fashion, letting his massive chin rest on his manly chest, what time his noble brow shone with the radiance of mighty thoughts, "JOSEPH will never forget his early friend and ally. It's not as if at the last General Election I stood under his flag, won a seat, and laid it at his feet. I fought North St. Pancras as a Home-Ruler, captured it, and before new Parliament was many months old, went over to other side, making early rift in lute of GLADSTONE'S majority. Some men in such circumstances would have gone back to their constituency and said, 'Dear boys, there's a mistake somewhere. You elected me on a particular understanding. Since then I have taken another view of the situation and of my duty. So I come back, return the trust you placed in my hand, and give you opportunity of electing me again, or choosing another man.' That might have led to inconvenience. Wouldn't run any risk; so kept my seat, and voted steadily with JOSEPH. Suppose they won't put me in the Cabinet right off? But I shall have choice of first-class Under-Secretaryship. Shall it be War, Navy, or Home Department? Any one excellent; but obviously I must go to the War Office. Don't know whether there's any particular uniform for Financial Secretary. If not, could soon knock one up from old portrait of the Emperor."

Day after day BOLTONPARTY stayed at home, expecting every hour to be sent for. Nothing came till Wednesday morning's papers arrived, with, the news that son AUSTEN was Secretary to the Admiralty, JESSE COLLINGS was installed at the Home Office, and POWELL WILLIAMS--who never set a squadron in the field, and didn't in any respect resemble the Emperor NAPOLEON--was Financial Secretary to the War Office! "That's bad enough, TOBY," said BOLTONPARTY, filing away an iron tear that coursed down his steel-grey cheek. "But there's worse behind. What do you think JOSEPH did when he heard I wasn't all together pleased? He offered me a statue! Said he'd no doubt AKERS-DOUGLAS could pick up on reasonable terms an old statue of NAPOLEON; with a little touching up it would serve, and there was a place ready on the site proposed for CROMWELL'S. There was, he said, well-known picture of NAPOLEON Crossing the Alps. Why shouldn't there be a statue of BOLTONPARTY Crossing Marylebone Road, North Pancras? This is man's gratitude! I've been cruelly Elba'd on one side, and nothing remains for me now but St. Helena."

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