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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 109 July 20 1895 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor
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Ebook has 55 lines and 8684 words, and 2 pages
ULDN'T NAME A DOZEN ANIMALS WHO MANAGE TO LIVE THERE."
IL "TRUE BLUE" INGLESE.
Her I beg to accept the my compliments and I have the honour to say myself.
Her Devotedest Servant,
ANDREA DORIA DANDOLO VESPUCCI-COLOMBO.
ORDER! ORDER!
ECHOES FROM THE POLLS.
Elected am I? Well, I am really much obliged.
Oh, certainly, shall be truly delighted to do anything in my power.
Fancy in these hard times that it is a little difficult to increase a subscription list.
Only too pleased, but must be rather careful not to infringe the Bribery Acts.
Truly intend to live up to my opinions. Would not alter them for worlds.
Cannot recall everything I said during the heat of the election, and probably was imperfectly reported.
Do not claim any more liberty of action than to obey the dictates of my conscience.
Afraid cannot adequately represent every phase of political opinion.
Will give as much satisfaction in Westminster as practicable.
Party arguments are rather superfluous after the contest, and therefore have to be avoided.
Sorry cannot stay longer in the Division itself, as my presence is required within the precincts of St. Stephen's.
Would have the greatest pleasure in life to discuss all these matters of controversy at another time.
Sorry cannot give exact date, but why not say just before the next General Election?
A. BRIEFLESS, JUN.
THE CRY OF THE COUNTER.
The fat's in the fire, and the spark's in the powder, We're in for a long spell of wigs on the green. Our clients will scatter, and louder and louder Will swell the fool-chorus of partisan spleen. Sir BOTTLEBY SNIPE must be off beyond Humber, And sweet Lady SPENDWELL goes Primrosing, south, And I, poor shopkeeper, may just as well slumber, With rage in my heart and my thumb in my mouth.
THE NEW NORRIBLE TALE.
'Tis a norrible tale I'm going to tell Of the frightful fortunes which befel A family who late resided In the same suburban street that I did. O it is a norrible tale! 'Twould make a Ma?terlinck turn pale, With its frightful blend of the grim and glum, Of fiddle-de-dee, and fi-fo-fum!
O they were a decent Philistine lot Till they caught the contagion of "Tommy-Rot," That kind of mental, malarial fever, Which floors the foolish and foils the clever. O it is a norrible tale, &c.
This Influenza of the Soul Haunted their house like some gruesome "troll."
The father first felt the spell unholy, And the man's demeanour grew truly "trolly." He was--in Peckham--a Master Builder, And he "carried on" with a drudge named 'TILDER.
His wife declared he was most inhuman, And, for her part, she should turn New Woman! So she grew--to him--an emotional icicle, And mounted knickers, and rode a bicycle.
The eldest son, an athletic young fellow, Who had gained his "Blue," took at once to Yellow. "Muscle," he said, in a tone despotic, "Is beastly vulgaw; good form's Neurotic!"
The youngest daughter, a blue-eyed fairy-- Now took to cricket, and cigarette-smoking, And manly manners in togs--and joking.
Another girl took to writing novels On dirt in "dosses," and vice in hovels; Varying the same with Kiplingy verses, With ingenious rhymes to street-slang and curses.
The youngest boy, who was "only a nipper," Contributed "Art" to the "Sixpenny Snipper," Which his sisters said was "supremely delicious, As a blend of the infantile and vicious."
The father died of his drudge and drink, The wife broke her back at a skating rink; And as to the slavey, whose name was 'TILDER, She "thrilled"--on street-preaching and rum--till they killed her.
The eldest son read NORDAU and LOMBROSO, Till his brain went shaky--'twas always so-so-- He imagines himself a pot of mustard, Of which egomaniacs are making a custard.
The youngest daughter's an "Amazon Queen" At the East-end Halls, and she's loud and lean; The eldest--whose freedom all bonds would sully-- Is tied to--and thrashed by--a pugilist bully.
MISONEOGYNY.
DEAR MR. PUNCH,--New Woman dead? Not a bit of it. Don't believe she ever existed. Never met her anywhere myself, and never met anybody who has. It's my belief there "ain't no sich person." Merely an idea or an influence, don't you know; and you can't shake hands, go into dinner, dance, or flirt with a poisonous influence, any more than you can with a bad smell. Whatever she is, though, afraid she's driven me into evil courses--rhymes. Here they are:--
Oh, where is that horrible modern monstrosity, Where is the woman whom people call "New," Who thinks, speaks, and acts with such utter atrocity, Tell me, oh where are the "women who do"? Half angry, half sad man Begs the New Woman to stoutly proclaim-- "No longer a lady, and not yet a gentleman"-- Where are the creatures who own to the name? This monster has, surely, no lasting vitality, Only existing in fancy and print; It is just an unlovely abstract personality, Coin from the end-of-the-century mint. And, therefore, in physical prowess and mental, man Owns her supremacy, calm and serene, Because the New Woman is like the "Old Gentleman," Heard of more often--thank heaven--than seen.
Shouldn't worry if I were "Misoneogynist." New woman fad nearly played out, only a black cloud floating across the blue sky of common sense. Nice idea, isn't it? Till cloud rolls by shall remain,
Yours cheerily,
A. BACHELOR.
"The fourth meeting of the eleventh session of the Andersonian Naturalists Society was held at 204, George Street, Professor G. BELL TODD, M.B., C.M., President, in the chair. After the minutes of last meeting had been read, Mr. ARCHIBALD SHANKS exhibited an Ichthyodorulite of Gyracanthus."
A TRUE SPORTSMAN'S TIP.
ELECTION INTELLIGENCE.
TOBY ONCE MORE M.P.
On Monday the Electors of Barkshire assembled in the great hall of their county town to elect a Member to serve in the Fourteenth Parliament of Queen VICTORIA. The High Sheriff presided. Owing to the constitutional rule which forbids Peers to take part in Parliamentary electoral proceedings, the Lord Lieutenant of the county was precluded from showing himself on the platform. It was said that, indisposed to be entirely out of so interesting and popular an event, his lordship was present disguised as a tide-waiter. Our representative, however, did not observe in the throng any person in nautical dress.
The hall, which was crowded to its utmost capacity, was gaily decorated with flags. Across the full length of the hall was suspended a banner bearing the proud device "BARKS'S IS WILLIN'."
Our esteemed ex-Member was accompanied on the platform by the principal county gentry of all shades of political opinion. On taking his seat in the front row of chairs, he was received with rounds of Kentish fire, made in Barkshire. Having been proposed and seconded in eulogistic terms, report of which he has expressed a desire we should suppress, the High Sheriff inquired if any elector desired to propose another candidate?
"I should think not," said a burly Barkshire farmer, ominously grasping a stout blackthorn.
After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff declared TOBY, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence, got on his hind legs.
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