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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 109 August 3 1895 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor
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Ebook has 101 lines and 13150 words, and 3 pages
VOL. 109.
AUGUST 3, 1895.
THE NAVAL MANOEUVRES.
Forgive me for the vagueness of my address, but it is the desire of those in command that the greatest secrecy should be observed as to our movements.
"Are we the Blue Fleet or the Red?" I asked only a few moments ago of one of the chief commanders.
"As you are the guest of the Government," was the immediate reply, "you will not be allowed to pay your money--except indirectly to the collector of Revenue; but there is nothing to prevent you from taking your choice!"
From this response you will see that there is a strong inclination on the part of the authorities that are to remain reticent. However, it is only fair to say that the food is excellent. Nothing could be better than the wine; and the view on the quarter deck is capital. Still, this is scarcely an account of naval manoeuvring--now is it?
Well, I think I may reveal this much. There are two fleets--a Red Fleet and a Blue Fleet. The Red Fleet has a number of ships--so has the Blue. Then the Red Fleet tries to out-manoeuvre the Blue Fleet, and the Blue Fleet returns the compliment. All this takes place on the sea. No ship is allowed to run on shore--unless of course by force of circumstances outside the control of the commander. And when I had got as far as this, I thought I would make a further inquiry.
At this point I was interrupted.
"Pray ask no more," was the prompt reply of the veteran I had questioned. "Take my advice. If you wish a question answered, answer it for yourself. Arrange in your own mind that 'Heads' shall mean 'Yes,' and the reverse a negative. Then toss."
And so now I am taking the advice I have received. I have spun my sixpence in the air. I am to write no more to you. All refuse to send my communications for me. So I place this document in a bottle and throw it into the sea. You desired the fullest information about the naval manoeuvres. Well--I wish you may get it!
RE-INCARNATION.
MRS. R. was very sorry that the clergyman of her parish had been compelled to leave. "You see," she said, "the poor man fell off his bicycle, and his doctor has told him that for some time he must try an incumbent position. So he has gone away for another cure."
ODE TO A WATER COMPANY.
ON THE SENIOR SCULLS.
The rank is but the "Guinness" stamp, But scullers of the stamp of GUINNESS Are not too common. What a damp To GUY and VIVIAN this win is! The Honourable R. has found How fickle fortune gives hope pickles; But in this last--aquatic--round True Guinness gold has beaten Nickalls. They'll meet, perchance, again, to settle The game--for all are men of mettle.
THE GLASS HOUSE OF COMMONS.--Some fine "Pairs" already on view.
ELECTION NOTES FROM THE WEST.
LOVE'S LOCAL OPTION.--"Drink to me only with thine eyes."
SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.
ANOTHER IRISH PARTY!--The snakes are coming back to Ireland! In a Cork paper we read the following:--
Mr. CORNELIUS DONOVAN, while crossing a grass field near Blarney, encountered a snake, which at first he believed to be an eel, and struck it with his walking stick. Having killed the reptile, he discovered it was a snake, measuring 3 feet 9 inches.
Bailie WRIGHT, in supporting the motion, said that if he had the power he would make every man in that meeting a peer, so that they should go to the Lords and resolve upon their abolition.
Prodigious! But how is the Bailie going to proceed? Bring in a "Bill of Wright's" when he has got his new nobility ensconced in the Gilded Chamber? And suppose the Bailie's peers decline to commit suicide?
DELIGHTFUL DISCOVERIE.
THE AGE OF CULTURE.
Despite the unfavourable weather, Lady TIPTON'S garden-party on Wednesday was a great success. Strawberry-picking was the principal amusement, and some well-known performers were present. Miss DE MURE, as usual, beat all her rivals, but the Bishop of PULBOROUGH was only half-a-basket behind. Like most of her friends, Lady TIPTON has now converted all her croquet and tennis lawns into fruit-beds.
LORD GRAYSON is entertaining a large party of friends for bird-scaring this week. Starlings are somewhat scarce this year, but sparrows are very plentiful and strong on the wing. Some capital sport was enjoyed over these well-known fields last week, and the host is credited with having frightened away about 5000 brace in a single day.
As the show-season will soon be with us again, it may be well to remark that the committees should make certain of the genuine character of the exhibits. It would be disgraceful were there to be any repetition of such a scandal as occurred last autumn at a leading exhibition, when it was discovered that the apples belonging to a certain lady of title, to which the prize already had been awarded, owed their brilliant appearance to the fact that her Grace had tinted them with water-colours.
The Inter-'Varsity ploughing competition takes place at Lord's on Friday. The Cambridge men are perhaps the favourites at present, but, though they have undoubtedly done some fast times, their furrows are apt to be very erratic. Still, under Farmer HODGE'S able coaching, they may be expected to improve greatly in the next few days.
Some of the papers have been making merry over the attempts to start butter-making clubs among the poorer classes. It is true that butter-making has been considered hitherto almost exclusively a rich man's recreation; but I do not see why the hard-working labourer, who has been toiling at golf or polo all day, should not be allowed to amuse himself with this healthy pastime in the evening, just as much as his superiors in social station.
HOW TO SPEND A HAPPY DAY!--Luncheon, dinner, and breakfast baskets provided for travellers by the Great Wheel at Earl's Court. Also all requisites for making up fairly comfortable beds in any one of the compartments. Address Wheel and Woa Co., E. C. S. W.
"MR. SPEAKER!"
His position was made exceptionally difficult by the circumstances of the day. Elected by a narrow majority, he succeeded the greatest Speaker of modern times. The fierce light that beats on the Speaker's chair was intensified by the inevitable contrast between the new occupant and the stately figure long familiar to the House. From the first Mr. GULLY wisely refrained from even approach to imitation of the manner of Mr. PEEL. That was a thing apart, like the bow of Ulysses. The new Speaker was simply himself; and the House of Commons, the keenest, swiftest, fairest judge of character in the world, was delighted to find in him perfect equanimity of temper, a judicial mind, unfailing readiness in emergency, and a quite surprising knowledge of the intricacies of procedure.
During his brief tenure of office Mr. GULLY was more than once suddenly faced by a knotty point that might reasonably have been expected to baffle a 'prentice hand. Never on these occasions has he failed. Such rare aptitude displayed at the outset of a career promises the fullness of perfection when, strengthened and sustained by the unanimous vote of a new Parliament, the Speaker resumes his work.
OUR THESPIANS.
CONCERNING A PUBLIC NUISANCE.
Ah! would that London followed now your lead, And kept a tight hand o'er the rude fanatics Who blare away her Sunday peace, whose creed Is uproar, "fire and blood," and acrobatics!
AU REVOIR TO OPERA.
So farewell Operatics till next year, when DRURIOLANUS need fear no storms, if still provided with his lightning Conductors BEVIGNANI, MANCINELLI & Co. Nor need the Liberal-Conservative DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS think of having to reckon with any formidable rivalry, should the utterly improbable happen and a new Opposition Opera be started. Why two Opera Houses cannot succeed in London may be a problem, but hitherto it is one which dissolution of the weaker was the only solution. The strong company went to Covent Garden, and the weak went--to the wall.
REPORT FROM A MINOR CANON.--Archdeacon FARRAR, hitherto performing "Archi-diaconal functions" at Westminster, has just been "installed" Dean of CANTERBURY. There are, clearly, only two notable installations, one of the Electric Light, and the other of a Dean. Canterbury has now the chance of being thoroughly enlightened and electrified.
YOUNG PRIMROSE'S PARTY.
A PLAINT OF THE POLLS.
Young PRIMROSE had a Party, He led it--like a lamb. It fell in love with a motley thing They called the Rad Pro-gramme. They swore that plan to fight for, Aye, fight till all was Blue; But when it came unto the Polls, That Party split in two.
Young PRIMROSE had a Party, For Progress it was bound; But all the progress that it made Was staggering round and round. The liveliest shindies in the House, And mockery out-o'-door, Was all that Party caused, and so It dwindled more and more.
Young PRIMROSE had a Party. I tell you it cost him dear. The Rads he led "rolled into" him Because he was a Peer: They tried to knock Bung's spigot in, The Caineites raised a cheer. I think that so fine a Party Never went bust on beer.
Young PRIMROSE had a Party, Although it was not big, It tried to break the power of beer, And check the sway of swig! But soon they found 'twas all in vain, The brewer they did "cop"; And the company scattered like fighting crowds When the constable bids them stop.
METEOROLOGICAL MISGIVINGS.
NEW ADAPTATION OF ANCIENT CHAFF TO THE DEFEATED CANDIDATES.--"Does your mother know you're 'Out'?"
TO JULIA, KNIGHT-ERRANT.
When night her sable pall doth spread Above the city's sleeping head So as it seemeth to be dead;
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