Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 109 August 3 1895 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor

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When night her sable pall doth spread Above the city's sleeping head So as it seemeth to be dead;

And labour hath a short surcease, And burglars taste a halcyon peace, Save where the vigilant police,

All fearless on their darkling beat, With sound of heavy-sandalled feet Wake awesome echoes in the street;

When weary chapmen go their ways To halls of song or sit at gaze In front of elevating plays;

Or haply drop into the club, And pausing for a friendly rub Defy the deadly nuptial snub;

Or watch in fond paternal mood The slumber of their infant brood In some suburban neighbourhood:--

Then, JULIA, then, at such an hour I gather that you quit your bower And seek the purlieus of the Tower;

Encased in wanton breeks and wide, A solid regiment, you ride With swains revolving at your side;

Not she, that fair of whom they sing, Who wrought her city's ransoming, GODIVA dared so bold a thing.

High Heaven alone sees such a sight When Dian wheels her orb by night With many a starry satellite.

The conscious object of remark, Whenas the lusty-throated lark Disporteth o'er the People's Park;

Yet certes it were more discreet, When Hesper from his vantage-seat Illuminateth Cannon Street,

How say you, sweet? To-morrow, then, We assignate for half-past ten Upon the punctual stroke of Ben?

On Cupid's chaste commission bent We twain will meet, with your consent, 10.30, by the Monument.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

THE BARON DE B.-W.

Shakspeare on the recent R. A. Elections.

ONSLOW FORD, Sculptor, R. A. W. B. RICHMOND, Painter, R. A.

"Good Master FORD, be contented."

"For RICHMOND'S good."

The case of slandering Major RASCH, M.P., was dismissed on defendant TURP tendering apology and paying costs. Rash on the part of TURP, but the case was settled in a Rashional way.

THE LAST PAGE OF SOMEBODY'S DIARY.

Before leaving England I finish this book. I have seen much and would have liked to see more. It was a great disappointment to me that the Polytechnic had changed its character. It was the dream of my childhood to be present at a lecture "Illustrated with brilliant experiments." Still the British Museum was a very good substitute. Then I was pleased with the Imperial Institute, and appreciated STRAUSS'S band. Although I have yet to learn what the latter had to do with the spread of the British Dominion. And I was delighted with the State Balls and the Ascot races. I was pleased, too, with my visit to the Board School. And there seemed to be much doing in the Houses of Parliament. But what struck me most of all was the great prosperity I noticed everywhere. There is no poverty in England. All is rich. Everyone is great. There are none who are not powerful; it is marvellous, but true. I should like to return to this great country to learn a little more. I have not yet seen a paper printed. I have not dined at the table of those who are responsible for the gaiety of nations. I have not watched the manufacture of a clock. I have not examined waxworks. I have not risen in the air in a balloon, nor sunk below the level of the sea in a diving-bell. But all this pleasure can wait till I pay England a second visit. And I am pleased to find that certain places are myths, the more especially as these places were said to be "disgraces to civilization." There is no East End. There are no prisons. Poverty is a word that has become obsolete. Everyone is satisfied. A strike never happens because all Englishmen are contented. This is the lesson that I have learned at the hands of the great British Government. It is strange, but undoubtedly true, that the English nation has no "seamy side." So I leave the country of prosperous content with a salaam of heart-felt respect. And now for Paris, with its wicked distractions. I hope I may survive. In the meanwhile Britannia, Brave, Brilliant, Beautiful and Beneficial, farewell!

HIGHLY PROBABLE.--For a draught of a new Irish policy the present Government is pretty sure to return to the Old Butt.

THE ELECTION PLEASANT PHRASE BOOK.

I am much obliged to you for the unsavoury egg.

Pray do not apologise for breaking my arm with a stone three inches in diameter.

Thanks for that pail of mud emptied over my head and hat.

It is really capital fun being pelted with gravel.

Never mind having smashed my dog-cart and killed the horse attached to it.

Really, dodging this storm of bludgeons is the most amusing occupation imaginable.

Never mind having crushed my skull, as I really wanted a chance to give a good turn to the local doctor.

Finally, I would willingly acknowledge all these little humours of a contested election in a spirit of genial amiability had you not unfortunately broken my jaw and reduced me to a condition of semi-insensibility.

GOOD NEWS, AND STRANGE TOO!

ROUNDABOUT READINGS.

I spoke last week of the General Election, more particularly with regard to its influence on the speakers who take part in it. A treatise on this aspect of the matter has yet to be written. One of the main points to be determined will be the amount of influence exercised by the speech, not on its hearers, but on the speaker himself.

Nothing is more remarkable than the rapidity and definiteness with which a speaker's opinions crystallise during the course of a speech. Let us assume, for example, that a Radical candidate has been approached on the subject of an Eight Hours Bill, and, in order to gain time, has promised to deal with it in his next speech, at the same time giving an assurance of general sympathy. Probably he has not thought much about the question before. In the evening he will speak upon it; and suddenly, to his own intense surprise, he will find himself declaring that all legislation will be vain, all social effort fruitless, until the load of toil that presses on the mass of his fellow-countrymen is lightened, and a universal Eight Hours Bill is carried through both Houses.

Or again, a Conservative is confronted with the question of old-age pensions. Precisely the same process takes place, and under the necessity of convincing himself, while endeavouring to convince and to please his audience, he will vow never to cease his efforts in support of Mr. CHAMBERLAIN until a general system of State pensions for the aged is established throughout the United Kingdom.

So it is with votes of thanks and laudatory speeches of all kinds. If you have to move a vote of thanks to A., a politician whom you do not specially admire, the odds are about ten to one that you will describe him as a great statesman, a profound thinker, an eloquent orator, and the man of the future. All this may be due to your having embarked on a rhetorical period which required more words than you had prepared yourself to supply; and in the agitation of filling up the gap, and rounding off the period, you say what you had not the remotest intention of saying when you got on to your legs. Hence come in after years parallel columns, and aggravating charges of inconsistency.

It was roses, roses all the way. But that was some time ago in the case of Mr. ISAAC HOYLE, late Liberal Member for the Heywood Division of Lancashire. He was asked to support Mr. SNAPE the Liberal Candidate at this election, but he refused to "take any part in sending Mr. SNAPE to Parliament, charged with duties for which, as I think, his votes show he has no qualification." The receipt of this letter caused the greatest excitement in the Division, and at the Heywood Reform Club Mr. HOYLE'S portrait has been smashed to pieces and thrown out of the building. It is stated also that his subscriptions are being returned. Clearly a case of adding Hoyle to the flames of controversy.

Mr. THOMAS MILVAIN, the Conservative who vainly endeavoured to oust Sir WILFRID LAWSON from the Cockermouth Division, was once a great boxer--a heavy-weight champion amongst amateurs, if my memory serves me. In the course of his late contest he addressed a hostile meeting at Dearham. Many questions were put to him. One was, "What weight was ta when thoo was a boxer?" Mr. MILVAIN'S answer was, "I was 13 st. 8 lb. That was twenty-eight years ago, and I have not had the gloves on since." "I am quite prepared to give any of you a turn, if you want one."

When a Candidate, heckled by enemies, finds All his efforts to keep the place still vain, Let him try one resource ere he pulls down the blinds, And conform to the model of MILVAIN.

For when politics palled he referred to the years When his skill as a boxer was lauded; An allusion to gloves won him laughter and cheers, Which was more than the "point of his jaw" did.

In a provincial contemporary I find the following startling information, under the heading, "Mothers of Great Men." SCHUMANN'S mother was gifted in music; CHOPIN'S mother, like himself, was very delicate; WORDSWORTH'S mother had a character as peculiar as that of her gifted son; RALEIGH said that he owed all his politeness of deportment to his mother. There are other statements about other mothers, but those I have quoted may suffice in the meantime. What I want to know is why any reasonable human being should care, or be supposed to care, about these ridiculous scraps of information collected from a rubbish-heap of useless knowledge. Here is another that I cannot leave out: HAYDN dedicated one of his most important instrumental compositions to his mother. Amazing.

In the parish of Swaffham Bulbeck there are apparently two bridges. At the adjourned quarterly meeting of the Parish Council the other day, Mr. C. P. FYSON in the chair, "it was reported that Bridge No. 1 required to be re-built.... The Chairman reported Bridge No. 2 required the same treatment, and eventually the whole matter was adjourned"--presumably in the hope that in the interval the bridges would rebuild themselves.

HOW I LOST MY POLL.

B. explains:--Attribute my defeat to over-confidence on part of my supporters. Seems that recollection of ample margin of two by which I was returned to late Parliament produced reckless and culpable apathy.

C. explains:--Mistake to suppose that Local or any other Veto had appreciable bearing on result of election. Fact is that opposition chartered every available traction-engine to bring up rural electorate. All other traffic practically suspended. Terrorised owners refused to risk their stables in unequal struggle. Was reduced to average of one horse a piece for my four-in-hands. Also other man's wife prettier than mine.

D. explains:--Am author of many standard works of blood-curdling adventure, largely among blacks. Found myself besieged one day in headquarters by what I took to be murderous contingent of enemy. In all my books of fiction, hero would have hacked his way through midst, if only with open penknife. Stern reality quite a different matter. Fell back upon services of local fire-brigade. Turned out afterwards that crowd actually consisted of admiring readers and political friends all eager to draw me, by pardonable ruse, into display of heroic qualities as depicted in my popular writings. Disillusioned by me, and damped by fire-brigade, mob went off and voted for other side.

E. explains:--Had Women's Suffrage existed, am confident should have been returned by handsome majority, being single and bit of an Adonis. As it was, fatal gift for attracting feminine attention alienated younger male electors. Other candidate solid family man without physical charm. Has been said that beauty is a curse. In own case must unhesitatingly admit soft impeachment.

F. explains:--It arose in this way. Had arranged beforehand that pole of carriage should snap in two during ascent of heavy incline in very heart of borough, idea being that partisans would be compelled to un-horse vehicle and personally propel it along in semi-triumphal progress. All went well till it came to pushing. Then was seen that weight of fellow-passengers overtaxed strength of small body of supporters, men remarkable for intellectual perspicuity rather than brute force. Notwithstanding laudable efforts, carriage receded, slowly at first, then, gaining impetus, rushed with incredible speed full into plate-glass window of MAYOR'S grocery-store. Self and all three orators bled profusely. Should add that MAYOR was exceedingly popular politician of heterodox views. Cause of my Party completely ruined by shocking fiasco.

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