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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 108 May 11th 1895 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor
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FROM CORINTO TO HERNE BAY.
The young Midshipman looked towards Corinto. The public buildings were still within range of the monster guns. The select army of one hundred and fifty had retired before the advance of the blue jackets and marines. All was tranquil, and, as he gazed upon the Nicaraguan capital, his eyes closed, and he dreamed a dream.
He was once more in England. He was at the seaside. Here in front of him were bathing-machines. There, to his right, was a circulating library. He could see a clock-tower and a shortened pier. Then he laughed in his glee. He was at Herne Bay! Close to the Isle of Thanet--within sight of the Reculvers!
He had scarcely realised his happiness, when he noticed on the ocean a flotilla. Three gigantic ironclads were approaching the tranquil town!
"The Nicaraguan fleet!" he murmured in his sleep.
It, alas! was too true! The Central American Admiral had sent an ultimatum. The news had run from one end of Herne Bay to the other that, unless the sum demanded were paid at once, the as-yet-unconquered watering-place would be "ploughed," as the Poet BUNN would have put it, "by the hoof of the ruthless invader."
Then there was a hurried consultation. What could be done with that overpowering fleet? It was useless to defend the bathing-machines; the donkeys and their drivers were no match for heavy ordnance. What could the few coast-guardsmen do when threatened by five hundred Nicaraguans?
"Herne Bay must surrender!" murmured the Midshipman in his sleep. "There is no help for it."
And then came a strange sight. The search-lights of the Nicaraguan fleet played upon the sea front, and the little garrison of Herne Bay retired towards Birchington and Margate. The Band marched away, followed by the heavy cavalry of the bathers, and the Uhlan-like donkeys of the sands. The representatives of the Navy brought up the rear.
Then, when all had gone, the sailors and marines of the Nicaraguan fleet landed. The British flag was hauled down, and replaced by the colours of the enemy.
Herne Bay was conquered!
At this point the Midshipman awoke with a start. He looked round, and sighed a great sigh of relief.
"How fortunate it is that the English fleet have conquered Corinto and not the Nicaraguan fleet Herne Bay!" he cried in an ecstacy of patriotic fervour. Then he performed for hours the duties of his command. Towards the close of day he again casually glanced at Corinto and once more was involuntarily reminded of Herne Bay. And as he gazed upon the Central American town he came to the conclusion that it was about as formidable and about as well defended as the Kentish watering-place. And having arrived at this opinion he determined in his own mind that the taking of Corinto, as a feat of arms, was scarcely on a par with the Victory of Trafalgar.
TO A GRAND OLD MANNS.
THE RAD TO THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER.
PARLIAMENTARY.--The nearest approach to a dead-lock is a live WEIR.
NEW GALLERY QUERIES.
Why does the dog in Mr. HOLMAN HUNT'S picture look as if it had softening of the brain? and why do I pass on hurriedly to the next picture?
The Chester Cup.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
More marked this cultured mannerism when announcing immediate introduction of Bill prohibiting plural voting. This a genuine surprise. Not been talked of since House met. Nobody thinking of it. SQUIRE in almost whisper announced its introduction to-morrow. Astonished beyond measure at commotion created; the boisterous cheers of Liberals, the uneasy laughter of Opposition.
"Most remarkable place this House of Commons," he said afterwards, gazing over my head into the infinite horizon, where shadowy figure of Local Veto Bill is visible to the eye of faith. "Always full of surprises even for old practitioners like you and me."
PRINCE ARTHUR, much relishing this subtle humour, was himself in sprightliest mood. The whole business of Session, he protested, was an elaborate joke. If they were there to work, he would take off his coat and ding on with the best of them. But they were there to play. "Well, let us play," he said, holding out both hands with gesture of invitation to Treasury Bench.
Proposal irresistible. House divided forthwith; SQUIRE'S motion carried by majority of 22; then, whilst half a dozen naval men talked water-tube boiler, PRINCE ARTHUR, SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, and picked company from either side went out behind SPEAKER'S Chair to play. Such larks! To see PRINCE ARTHUR take in a stride "the backs" given him by the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, with CAWMEL-BANNERMAN next; to see JOHN MORLEY seriously whipping a top; to watch BRYCE breathless behind the nimble hoop; to look on while EDWARD GREY, forgetful of China and Japan, thinking nothing of Nicaragua, played a game of marbles with HART DYKE; to see LOCKWOOD trying a spurt with DICK WEBSTER, the course being twice round the Division Lobby, ASQUITH, fresh from the Cab-arbitration, having handicapped them--to see this, and much else, was a spectacle wholesome for those engaged in it, interesting for the solitary spectator.
Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES had best of dreary evening. Mentioned yesterday, with tears from his honest blue eyes coursing down his rugged, weather-beaten cheek, fresh infamy on part of SQUIRE OF MALWOOD. Had announced on Thursday that, at Monday's sitting, Naval Works Loan Bill would be proceeded with. TOMMY accordingly clewed up, and ran for port; laying to for forty-eight hours, prepared speech on Naval Works. Now SQUIRE calmly announced that Shipbuilding Vote was to be taken. What was TOMMY to do with speech prepared on Naval Works Loans?
In despair yesterday; to-day bright idea struck him. SHAW-LEFEVRE had moved to introduce One Man One Vote Bill. Why shouldn't TOMMY, flying that flag, run in and deliver his speech on Naval Works? A bold experiment; only hope of success was that House, being in almost comatose state, wouldn't notice ruse if cleverly managed. Trust TOMMY for clever management. Holding sheaf of notes firmly in left hand, deftly turning them over with the hook that serves him for right hand, the old salt read his speech on Naval Works Loan Bill. Here and there, when he observed restless movement in any part of House, fired off phrase about "forty-shilling freeholder," "occupation votes," "rural constituencies," "re-distribution," "country going to the dogs," "jerrymandering," and "right hon. gentleman opposite." Scheme worked admirably; speech reeled off, and SQUIRE OF MALWOOD'S knavish trick confounded.
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest. High ho! and a bottle of rum.
What with comforting the mourners, and imbibed as a preventive, rum brought a windfall of ?100,000 into the Treasury.
That was well in its way. But then there were those 75,000 mean-spirited people who ought to have died last year, their estates paying tribute to CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER, and who positively insisted upon living. The long-trained fortitude of the SQUIRE nearly broke down when he mentioned this circumstance. Pretty to see how it also touched JOKIM. The wounds of riven friendship temporarily closed up; the rivalry of recent years forgotten in contemplation of these 75,000 reckless, ruthless people, who, in defiance of law of average, didn't die in financial year ending March 31, 1895. The past CHANCELLOR OF EXCHEQUER and his successor in office mingled their tears. But for intervention of table they would probably have flung themselves into each other's arms and sobbed aloud.
"Thus," said PRINCE ARTHUR, himself not unaffected by the scene, "doth one touch of nature make Chancellors of the Exchequer kin."
TWO WAYS OF DOING IT.
FIRST WAY.
I have the honour to inform your Excellency that I am instructed by the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs that Her Britannic Majesty's Government has reason to complain of the conduct of the Government of which your Excellency is the representative. I have the honour to say that it will be advisable for your Excellency to urge upon the Government of which your Excellency is the representative the necessity of inquiry into the matter as speedily as possible. I have further the honour to add that it will be gratifying to Her Britannic Majesty's Government if the Government of which your Excellency is a representative will give the matter to which I refer the earliest attention.
I have the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to the long and unsatisfactory correspondence that has passed during the last year between your Excellency as representing the Government of which you are the representative and the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs upon the matter of the despatch I had the honour to forward to your Excellency dated January 1, 18-0. I am directed to have the honour of requesting your Excellency to urge upon the Government of which your Excellency is a representative the necessity of a speedy settlement of the matter in dispute.
I have again the honour to call the attention of your Excellency to, &c. &c.
SECOND WAY.
If you don't pay up within a quarter of an hour, I will bombard your capital, seize your country, and imprison the Government of which you are the representative.
Don't fire. Have sent money demanded by P.O.O.
The Predominant Partner.
AN AWFUL MONSTER RECENTLY LET OUT IN A CHURCH!--A second-hand sermon with eight heads.
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