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Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 108 May 18th 1895 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor
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Ebook has 43 lines and 6687 words, and 1 pages
MUSIC NOTE .--It would be high praise to say of any organist that "he attacks his instrument in a Cowardly manner."
A COMING CHARGE.
Gentlemen of the Jury, for the last couple of years or so you have no doubt read any number of denunciations of the conduct of the man whose actions you are now about to investigate. You have heard him abused right and left. You have seen pictures of him, in which he has been held up to scorn and public ridicule. You have heard it announced in all quarters that he is a scoundrel and a thief. And as this has been the case, Gentlemen of the Jury, it is my duty to tell you that you must put aside the recollection of these attacks. You must treat the prisoner before you as if he were immaculate. In fact you must lay aside all prejudice, and give the man a fair trial; and, Gentlemen, it is my duty to have the pleasure of informing you that I am sure you will! Yes, Gentlemen of the Jury, having regard to all the circumstances of the case, I repeat, I am sure you will!
At the National Liberal Club, on Wednesday, Lord ROSEBERY told the company they were not dancing on a volcano. That may be true, but it is equally true that the Government, in proposing to remit the sixpenny duty on whisky, are riding for a fall in the "crater."
ON THE NEW STATUE.
A MAY MEETING.
They sat on each side of a marble table, His legs were curled round the legs of his chair. Around them babbled a miniature Babel; The sunlight gleamed on her coppery hair. She held a crumpled Academy Guide, Scored with crosses in bold blacklead; A pile of leaflets lay at his side, And he grasped a Report, which he gravely read.
"A holy spouter from Exeter Hall!" "A butterfly in the Belial thrall Of Vanity Fair, all tinkle and shine!" So thought he as he crumbled his bun With clumsy fingers in loose black cloth; And the impish spirit of genial fun Hovered about them and mocked them both.
Mutual ignorance, mutual scorn, Revealed in glances aflame though fleeting; Such, in the glow of this glad May morn, The inhuman spirit of mortal meeting. The worm must disparage the butterfly, The butterfly must despise the worm; And Scorn, the purblind, will ne'er descry A common bond, or a middle term.
"WHAT'S IN A NAME? A ROSSA, &C."--Before being ejected from the House of Commons on Wednesday last, O'DONOVAN ROSSA shouted out that "A stain had been put upon his name." Where is the ingenious craftsman who did it? He might try his hand next time at gilding refined gold.
QUERY.--Can a champagne wine from the vintage of "Ay" be invariably and fairly described as "Ay 1"?
MODES AND METALS.
Visited my tailor's puddling works to-day. He has some really neat new pig-iron fabrics for the season. I am thinking of trying his Bessemer steel indestructible evening-dress suits.
Really this new plan of mineral clothing comes in very usefully when one is attacked by roughs on a dark night. Floored an assailant most satisfactorily with a touch of my lead handkerchief.
The only objection I can find to my aluminium summer suiting is its tendency to get red hot if I stand in the sun for five minutes.
I think I can now safely defy my laundress to injure my patent safety ironclad steel shirts.
I find, however, that there is no need of a laundress at all. When one's linen is soiled, sand-paper and a mop will clean it in no time.
My frock-coat has got a nasty kink in it; must send it to be repaired at the smelting furnace.
"A LIGHTSHIP SUNK."--Impossible! couldn't have been a lightship, it must have been a very heavy ship.
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
Curious how this Church Bill brings to the front men who, if heard at all, certainly do not speak in chorus on any other question. After The Man from Shropshire comes TOMLINSON, who, early in proceedings, displays irresistible tendency to discuss points of order with SPEAKER. New SPEAKER has, however, already got hand in, and, before TOMLINSON, who remembers being on his feet addressing Chair, quite knows where he is, he finds himself sitting down again, CRANBORNE also on warpath, his very hair bristling with indignation at this fresh attack on the Church. Glib GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN has a field-night; makes long speech on moving Instruction standing in his own name. His obvious, unaffected enjoyment of his own oratory should be infectious; but isn't.
Colonel LOCKWOOD, that pillar of the Church, was the first called on in Committee to move amendment. Colonel not in his place. Report has it the devout man is in library reading THOMAS ? KEMPIS, or DRELINCOURT on Death. Here is opportunity for GLIB-GRIFFITH to make another speech. Dashes in; starting off with promise of good half-hour; desire for LOCKWOOD'S appearance irresistible. As ADDISON says, with hereditary disposition to drop into poetry, and the belief that he is quoting TENNYSON,
Better fifty words from LOCKWOOD Than a thousand from BOSCAWEN.
Scouts sent out in all directions. The Colonel discovered in sort of oratory he has contrived in far recess of library. Brought back to House; found BOSCAWEN bowling along. "This is my show," said the Colonel as he passed BOSCAWEN on his way to his seat. More fierceness in his eye than befit the man or the occasion. BOSCAWEN stared over his head, and went on with his speech. Opportunity too precious to be lost. If LOCKWOOD meant to move his amendment he should have been there when called upon. He wasn't: BOSCAWEN found it, so to speak, by roadside. Now it was his; would make the most of it; pegged along whilst the Colonel muttered remarks as he glared upon him. Some who sat by said it was a prayer. Others, catching a word here and there, said it was a quotation from THOMAS ? KEMPIS. Whatever it might have been, Colonel seemed much moved. Hardly pacified when, at end of twenty minutes, GLIB-GRIFFITH sat down, and LOCKWOOD, finding himself in peculiar position of seconding his own amendment, delivered the speech he had prepared for moving it.
"Which one?" inquired voice from back bench, an inquiry very properly disregarded.
PRINCE ARTHUR not in mood for speculation of this kind. Cut to the heart by remarks he suspected of slighting intent towards his friend and colleague. In SILOMIO PRINCE ARTHUR has long learned to recognise all the graces and all the talents. Apart from personal consideration, he feels how much the Party owe to him for having raised within its ranks the standard of culture and conduct. To have him attacked, even in fun, by an Under Secretary, was more than he could stand. So, in gravest tone, with no flicker of a smile on his expressive countenance, he declared that a more unfortunate speech he had never heard. "If the hon. gentleman intends," he added, "to take a considerable part in debate, I would earnestly recommend him either to change the character of his humour, or entirely to repress the exhibition."
Beautiful! In its way, all things considered, best thing PRINCE ARTHUR has done this Session. House grinned; but two big hot tears coursed down cheek of SILOMIO, making deep furrows in the war paint.
"That's tit for tat with GEORGIE RUSSELL," said HERBERT GARDNER to SOLICITOR-GENERAL, with vague recollection of a historic phrase.
Twenty minutes earlier, when last division taken, over 330 Members filled House. Now the tide ebbed; only the thirty odd Members in their places jealously watching SPEAKER running through Orders of the Day. TANNER bobbing up and down on bench like parched pea. Heard it somewhere whispered that Duke of CAMBRIDGE, worn out with long campaign, about to unhelm, unbuckle his sword, hang up his dinted armour. TANNER feels he can't go to bed leaving unsettled the problem of truth or phantasy. Not a moment to be lost. SPEAKER risen to put question "That this House do now adjourn." Then TANNER blurts out the inquiry, "Is it true?" "Order! order!" says the SPEAKER. Well, if they didn't like the question in the form he had first put it, he would try again.
"I would ask," he said, adopting conditional mood as least likely to hurt anyone's feelings, "whether a member of the Royal Family who has really" "been drawing public money too long is going to retire?"
"Order! order!" roared the few Members present.
"I would ask that question," repeated TANNER, still in the conditional mood, but nodding confidentially all round.
The Blameless BARTLEY happily at post of duty. Broke in with protest. SPEAKER ruled question out of order. But the good TANNER came back like a bad sixpence.
"Is his Royal Highness going to retire?" he insisted, getting redder than ever in the face. "Order! order!" shouted Members in chorus. Thus encouraged, TANNER sang out the solo again, "Is his Royal Highness going to retire?"
That was his question. The SPEAKER, distinctly differing, affirmed "The question is that the House do now adjourn;" which it did straightway, leaving Dr. TANNER to go to a sleepless bed haunted by an unanswered question.
"What I should like," said Lieut.-General Sir FREDERICK WELLINGTON FITZ WYGRAM, who served in the Crimea with H.R.H., has been in command of the Cavalry Brigade at Aldershot, and in other positions come in personal contact with the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF, "What I should like," he repeated reflectively, stroking his chin, "would be the opportunity, enjoyed from a safe distance, of hearing the Dook personally reply to TANNER'S interrogation."
TO YVETTE GUILBERT AT THE EMPIRE.
YVETTE! your praise resounds on every hand. And those laugh loudest who least understand.
Transcriber's Note:
Page 229: 'visistor' corrected to 'visitor'.
Ah, here comes my visitor.
The illustration for 'The Old Crusaders' originally covered 2 pages, pp. 234 and 235 , with a blank page on either side.
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