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Read Ebook: Retained for the Defence: A Farce in One Act by Oxenford John
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Ebook has 287 lines and 9274 words, and 6 pages
RETAINED FOR THE DEFENCE
IN ONE ACT.
JOHN OXENFORD, ESQ.,
THOMAS HAILES LACY, 89, STRAND, , LONDON.
RETAINED FOR THE DEFENCE.
MR. MOTTLEY DE WINDSOR MR. G. COOKE.
MR. WHITEWASH MR. G. VINING.
MR. FERGUSON MR. H. COOPER.
THWAITES MR. H. WIGAN.
PAWKINS MR. F. ROBSON.
AGATHA DE WINDSOR MISS COTTRELL.
DE WINDSOR--Blue coat with metal buttons, white vest, black trousers.
WHITEWASH--Modern evening suit.
FERGUSON--Ditto.
THWAITES--Blue dress coat, white vest, black trousers, Berlin gloves.
PAWKINS--Long-tailed dress coat, colored vest, black trousers; hat and umbrella.
AGATHA--Rich pink silk ball dress.
GUESTS--Evening dresses.
RETAINED FOR THE DEFENCE.
THWAITES. Now, that's what I call the real thing--the clean grit. The position of that bokey is such, that none but the purest taste could conceive,--those camellias, chastity itself. A fine combination! Cutting the turnips and carrots to make ornaments for the cold tongue; chusing the bokies at Covent Garden Market; mildly tempering the brilliant light of wax and gas with the soothing hue of flowers. I have brought all my arts to bear upon this sworry. The party who is a greengrocer in the morning, is the only perfect waiter in the evening.
AGATHA. So, Thwaites, the room appears quite ready?
THWAITES. Yes, Miss Agatha; without exaggeration I may venture to say, we are lit up.
AGATHA. My father has not returned?
THWAITES. No, Miss Agatha, he has not--since he left the house at two in the afternoon--I haven't the slightest notion where he is gone.
AGATHA. Indeed!
AGATHA. Really, 'pa must have a regular footman; these tradespeople whom he engages as occasional waiters don't understand subordination a bit.
THWAITES. I hope you admire the bokies, Miss Agatha; them camellias are quite the thing, I flatter myself;--all my taste--ha! ha! You'll be called to-morrow the Lady of the Camellias!
AGATHA. Most offensive!
THWAITES. Now, I thought I had said something very pretty--but she don't look pleased.
AGATHA. No one has arrived, of course?
THWAITES. On the contrary, Miss Agatha--I'm sorry to differ from you, but I rather think one has arrived, and is coffee-ing in the back parlor;--here he is, too!
Mr. Whitewash, as I'm alive!--No occasion to announce you, sir.
AGATHA. Don't think of apologies--as it is you are the first in the room. So you have had another brief to-day--I hope you have been victorious.
WHITE. One of my most brilliant triumphs! I actually outshone myself! A rascal had stolen a watch from a gentleman's pocket, and hid it!--ha, ha, ha!--in his umbrella.
THWAITES. Watch in an umbrella--come, that's not bad!--ho, ho, ho!
WHITE. Eh? There is not the slightest doubt that the scoundrel was guilty; indeed he had such a face that innocence would have been a positive fraud upon nature--but, ha, ha, ha! I got him off--I got him off!--a weeping jury declared that he was not guilty.
AGATHA. Capital!
THWAITES. Which it is capital!--just like you, sir.
WHITE. I say--this person--rather familiar.
AGATHA. Yes, I know--I'm quite annoyed. He's our greengrocer. 'Pa jokes with him in the morning when he buys the vegetables, and now he's come to wait in the evening, he don't understand his position at all.
WHITE. Of your address, Mr. Thwaites, I have not the slightest doubt. But I would speak a word with you.
THWAITES. And I'll listen if you talk for an hour. If I take up the newspaper, is it to read about politics? No! About plays?--No, I should rather think not! About pictures? bother, no! I look to see if Mr. Whitewash has been saying something for some poor devil in the Central Criminal Court. That's my intellectual treat!
WHITE. Indeed! ha! ha! Really, my dear Miss de Windsor we should do wrong to check this diffusion of intelligence among the masses.
DE W. He is here--is he--the dear boy. I must shake him by the hand. Eh! ha! ha! You're not Whitewash! Ridiculous! I'm always making myself ridiculous; I've too much heart. You feel what I mean, Whitewash. You feel what I mean.
WHITE. Most acutely!
DE W. I'm so glad you are here before the others. Leave the room, Thwaites. I can now disburden my heart. As I said, I'm all heart. Leave the room, Thwaites! This moment is the most important--Zounds! Thwaites, will you leave the room?
THWAITES. That's the man of money. Give me the man of mind!
DE W. Now look, I hesitate no longer; I shilly-shally no longer; I follow the dictates of my heart, and my heart tells me to--Come here, Whitewash--come here, Aggy. Whitewash, consider yourself as my son-in-law.
AGATHA. Really, this is very sudden, 'pa.
DE W. Of course it is; I'm always sudden, I'm a creature of impulse. But do you dislike the arrangement?
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