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Read Ebook: Retained for the Defence: A Farce in One Act by Oxenford John
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Ebook has 287 lines and 9274 words, and 6 pages
DE W. Of course it is; I'm always sudden, I'm a creature of impulse. But do you dislike the arrangement?
AGATHA. I did not say that, 'pa.
DE W. Didn't say that, 'pa! Then why don't you speak out? Wear your mind in your face, as I do, or as my young friend here, with whom I want to speak a few words in private. So, go and see how they are getting on with the coffee.
WHITE. And don't forget, that you are engaged to me for the first set, and the Polka, and the Lancers.
DE W. Of course, she won't forget. Run along child.
Now, I can give vent to my feelings; Whitewash, you've done it. I was long making up my mind, but now, you've done it. You are one of the men I like.
WHITE. My dear sir, I'm most happy.
WHITE. Dining out?
WHITE. Ah, I see! and you heard my speech for the defence. It was not bad, was it?
DE W. It was noble--it was glorious. While I looked upon that poor man in the dock, and I heard you enunciate his virtues and expatiate on the largeness of his small family, he assumed in my eyes the sanctity of a martyr.
WHITE. You don't say so?
DE W. Perhaps you noticed that among the persons in the court one wept aloud--very loud?
WHITE. I did. The policeman turned him out, I believe.
DE W. True--ahem! Some such brutal occurrence did take place; I was the man that wept, sir, you were the man that made me weep; you touched my heart, sir, you touched my heart.
WHITE. Really, a most sensible old gentleman!
DE W. Lingering at the door, I learned that the prisoner was acquitted. So I walked home, and I said to myself--Whitewash is my destined son-in-law. I as a manufacturer of fancy soap remove physical impurities from the skin; Whitewash effaces the blots that calumny has cast upon innocence.
WHITE. Innocence!
DE W. Of course; no one knows better than you that that poor persecuted being was innocence itself.
WHITE. Oh, yes--yes.
DE W. What delight you must have felt in restoring him to his weeping wife, and those five small children!
WHITE. Wife! children! Oh! ah! I believe I did use the expression.
DE W. But there's a further pleasure in store for you. You know I always follow the dictates of my heart. Well--well, my heart told me that society owed that poor persecuted being a reparation, and was bound to declare that he had not forfeited his social position. In a word, sir, I've invited him to my ball this evening.
WHITE. Here? To your house? A fellow with the taint of the dock fresh upon him!
DE W. A taint that he did not merit--a taint that you have so nobly removed.
WHITE. Oh, this is an old fool!
AGATHA. Oh, papa, they are nearly all assembled in the other room.
DE W. Come along then--come along, that I may introduce you as my son-in-law. Come, defender of persecuted innocence!
DE W. Come along.
AGATHA. Very foolish of my aunt not to fasten her bracelet better. It can't be here;--I don't believe she has been in this room. Tut, tut!
THWAITES. Mr. Pawkins!
PAWKINS. Why, I'm blessed if there's a soul here!--it's werry inconsistent bowing to two strings of nobody. Oh, I beg pardon, miss;--perhaps you may think it's like my impedence, but is the gov'ner in?
AGATHA. The--the--governor?
PAWKINS. Yes, the gov'ner here; not my gov'ner--no, bless you, he's been under hatches long ago. I want Mr.--I've got his letter somewhere--Mr.--he's something in the fancy soap line.
AGATHA. Oh, my papa--Mr. De Windsor.
PAWKINS. Him's it! So he's your papa, is he? Well then, I say you do him credit: I say it afore your face, and I wouldn't mind saying it behind your back.
AGATHA. A singularly vulgar person! but 'pa does pick up such strange friends in the City.
PAWKINS. Before we go any further I should like to settle one pint: I've picked up this here gimcrack thing on the staircase.
AGATHA. My aunt's bracelet! My dear sir, a thousand--thousand thanks!
PAWKINS. A thousand, thousand thanks!--my dear sir, too! Uncommon pretty behaved young person!--a child will take a deal of whipping afore it gets up to that pint of good manners. A shilling slipped in one's hand would have given a finishing touch to the compliment; but one can't have it all one's own way; then her pretty smile were worth more nor a shilling a precious sight. Ah, bless her heart! she'd ha' know'd fast enough that the man who picks up bracelets, and gives them to the right owner, ain't exactly the sort of article as prigs watches.
DE W. Really a charming scene! most exhilarating! Eh! why, he's here at last! Pawkins, the persecuted! My dear sir, I'm delighted to see you.
PAWKINS. Thank you; but draw it a little mild.
DE W. Mr. Pawkins, you are one of the men I like.
PAWKINS. Same to you, sir. You are Mr. De--de--fancy soap line, sir?
DE W. De Windsor.
PAWKINS. Well then, sir, two minutes ago I told the young 'oman she was a credit to you, and now I don't mind telling you you're a credit to the young 'oman.
DE W. Somewhat coarse; but frank and genial.
PAWKINS. You've sent me a sort o' note, sir, as the saying is, asking me to come here; but it strikes me there's some mistake.
DE W. Not in the least, Mr. Pawkins, not in the least. Take a seat.
PAWKINS. That's all right then. At all events I've brought the tongs in my pocket.
DE W. The tongs?--rather a singular proceeding!--and the shovel?
PAWKINS. No; get out with you--I mean the curling irons.
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