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Read Ebook: Wehman Bros.' Irish Yarns Wit and Humor No. 2 by Anonymous
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Ebook has 524 lines and 17219 words, and 11 pages
O'Brien--"Shure, it's less he'll be losin' when ye don't pay it."
MAKING GOOD USE OF HIM.
An Italian organ-grinder possessed a monkey which he "worked" through the summer months. When the cool days came his business fell off, and he discontinued his walks and melodies. An Irishman of his acquaintance offered him half a dollar a week for the privilege of keeping and feeding the little beast. The bargain was made for a month.
Great curiosity filled the mind of the Italian, and at last he went ostensibly to see his pet, but really to find out what possible use Pat could make of the monkey.
The Irishman was frank. "It's loike this," he said. "Oi put up a pole in the back yard, with the monkey on the top. Ten or twelve trains of cars loaded with coal go by here every evenin'. There's men on every car. Every man takes a heave at the monk. Divil a wan has hit him, but Oi have sivin tons of coal."
PRETTY LOUD.
An Irishman came to a doctor complaining that he had noises in his head.
"Oi have them all the time," he said, "an' sometimes Oi can hear thim fifty feet away."
"Phwat koind av a room would yez loike to hov, sor? Oi can giv' yez a back room in the front av th' house, or a front room in th' back av th' house jist to suit yer inconvaynience; or Oi can giv' yez number sixty-six or ninety-nine, jist to suit yer inconvaynience--No. 66 is th' broidle chamber, but we kape th' broidle out in th' shtable.
"Oi can giv' yez another lovely room in th' middle av the front av th' hotel, sor--it's a lovely place; there do be carpet on th' floor; air cushion sofys an' bir-rds-eye maple chif'niers an' runnin' hot an' cold wather passin' th' door, whoile th' bath-tubs are always supplied wid gold fish; th' room is loighted wid indecent lamps thot are supplied wid electricity, bur-rnin' noight an' day in th' shtreet, an' a tooth-brush in ivery room."
"Say, Mr. Clerk, there's a lady without!"
"Widout phwat; widout phwat?"
"Without here, in the hall, sir."
"That's all right; show her up in th' parlor; Oi'll be up in a minute."
"Say, Mr. Clerk, there's a man upstairs in room 78, says there's bedbugs in his bed!"
"Phwat! Bedbugs in his bed? Go up and ask him if he wants humming bir-ds in his bed fer a dollar a day?"
"Say, Mr. Clerk, there's a man upstairs in room 97 who says the rain came through the skylight last night and wet him to the skin."
"Wet him to th' skin; charge him 25 cents extra fer th' bath. G'wan out av here!"
Caller--"Your master's not at home, eh, Pat?"
Pat--"No, sor; he do be in the ould country these t'ree wakes, sor."
Caller--"Excuse me, Pat, but how is it when your mistress is on this side of the water master's on the other, and vice versa? Is there trouble between them?"
Pat--"None at all, sor; only they have agrade bechune 'em that they can live together better when they're apart."
The Prisoner--"There goes my hat. Shall I run after it?"
Officer Casey--"Phwat? Run away and never come back again? Not on your life. You stand here and I'll run after your hat."
PRECAUTION.
Mrs. Casey--"Me sister writes me that every bottle in the box we sent her was broken. Are you sure yez printed 'This side up with care' on it?"
Casey--"Oi am. An' for fear they shouldn't see it on the top Oi printed it on the bottom as well."
DANGER!
An Irishman visiting a friend in the hospital began to take an interest in the other patients.
"What are you in here for?" he asked one.
"I've got tonsillitis, and I've got to have my tonsils cut out," was the answer.
"And you?" he asked another.
"I've got blood poisoning in my arm, and they are going to cut it off," was the reply.
"Heavens!" said Pat, in horror, "This ain't no place for me. I've got a cold in my head."
"Mike, did you ever catch frogs?" "Yes, sor." "What did you bait with?" "Bate 'em with a shtick, sor."
People that take all things literally are apt to tread on other people's toes. The Irishman who walked in where he saw a sign, "Walk in," and who was ordered out by the lawyer was a literal man, and so was the man that went into a pawnbroker's shop and demanded ten dollars because there was a placard in the window that read,"Look at this watch for ten dollars."
"I looked at it," said he, "and now I want my ten dollars."
The most amusing incident we have heard is that of the countryman who, while sauntering along a city street, saw a sign, "Please ring the bell for the janitor."
After reflecting a few minutes he walked up and gave the bell such a pull that it nearly came out by the roots.
In a few minutes an angry-faced man opened the door.
"Are you the janitor?" asked the bell-puller.
"Yes; what do you want?"
"I saw that notice, so I rang the bell for you, and now I want to know why you can't ring the bell yourself?"
An Irishman wanted to sell a dog, but the prospective buyer was suspicious, and finally decided not to buy. The man then told him why he was anxious to sell. "You see," said he, "I bought the dog and thrained him myself. I got him so he'd bark all the time if a person stepped inside the gate, and I thought I was safe from burglars. Then me woife wanted me to thrain him to carry bundles--and I did. If you put anything into his mouth, the spalpeen'd keep it there till some one took it away. Well one night I woke up and heard some one in the next room. I got up and grabbed me gun. They were there, three of the blackguards and the dog."
"Didn't he bark," interrupted the other.
"Sorra a bark," was the reply, "he was too busy."
"Busy," asked the other, "what doing?"
"Carrying the lantern for the burglars," answered the Irishman.
NO NEED TO TELL.
Casey --"Did you tell Reilly Oi was a liar?"
Murphy--"Oi did not. Oi thought he knew it!"
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