Read Ebook: The Greatest Plague of Life: or the Adventures of a Lady in Search of a Good Servant. by Mayhew Augustus Mayhew Henry Cruikshank George Illustrator

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Were I in this instance to adopt Dr. Watts's beautiful standard by which to judge of the stature of intellectual men--that is, "that the mind is the measure of the man," I should say that Mr. George Cruikshank is a perfect Giant, a mental Colossus of Rhodes, or Daniel Lambert; but viewing him in the flesh, he appeared to be of an ordinary height. Directly I saw him, he presented to me the appearance of a fine picture set in a muscular frame, his body being neither stout nor thin.

His features, which are strictly classical, and strike you as a piece of antiquity, and belonging to the Ancients, appear to have been finely chiselled, while Genius is carved in large, unmistakeable characters on his lofty brow, Nature has evidently thrown Mr. Cruikshank's whole soul in his face; there is a fire in his eye which is quite cheerful to look at; and when he speaks, from the cordial tone of his discourse, you feel as certain, as if his bosom was laid bare to you, that his heart is in its right place. Nor can I omit to mention the picturesque look of his whiskers, which are full and remarkably handsome, and at once tell you that they have been touched by the hand of a great painter.

In disposition, Mr. Cruikshank seems to be peculiarly amiable, for he appears to have a great partiality for animals of all kinds. In his room was a perfect little love of a spaniel, and on his mantelpiece was a beautiful plaster model of a horse trotting, while at his window hung a charming singing canary, to all of which he seems to be very much attached.

Over the chimney-piece is a picture--the creation of his highly-talented fingers--of Sir Robert Bruce, in a dreadful pass in Scotland, being attacked by three men, and killing them, while mounted on his rearing charger. It is painted in oil colours, and is a work full of spirit and fire; though, for my own part, I must say that I do not think Mr. Cruikshank shines so much in Oil as he does in Water.

However, I told him that I should prefer appearing in a more becoming garb, and that I had merely used the pilot as an expressive figure of speech; but that as doubtlessly he would like to introduce me into the frontispiece of the book, I told him I thought the best subject would be an engraving of myself, wishing that I was out of the world on the day after our man-servant had run away with the plate; and I asked him if he would like to take a portrait of me then and there, as I could easily step into the next room, and arrange my hair in the glass. But in a most gentlemanly way he stated that he could not think of putting me to that trouble, especially as he had already got my whole form engraved in his mind's eye, for there were some people, he said, whose figure, when once seen, was always remembered. And he was pleased to say a number of other things equally flattering to me, but which my natural modesty, and the inward dread I have of being thought egotistical, prevent my inserting here.

I told him, moreover, that, from the life-like descriptions of the different servants I had had in my time that he would find given in my interesting little book, a man of his genius, I was sure, would experience no difficulty in delineating their features. Upon which he was so good as to say that he had no doubt he should find the work all I had stated. And then, observing that I was about to depart, he opened the door for me; on which I begged of him not to trouble himself on my account; but he persisted, saying, in the most gentlemanly way, "that he would see me to the door with the greatest pleasure."

MY APPEARANCE--MY STATION IN LIFE--MY FAMILY AND PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS.

I was born about four o'clock in the morning, on the 23rd day of September, 1810. I am told I was a remarkably fine child, though it is a curious fact that my intellect was some time before it displayed itself. But my dear mamma has since often confessed to me that this rather pleased her than otherwise, observing, with a pardonable fondness, that great geniuses had mostly been distinguished for their stupidity in their youth; so that my parents felt little or no anxiety about me.

Being the only child, I was not weaned until I was more than eighteen months--to which circumstance our medical adviser attributes, in a great measure, the very fine constitution I have of my own. I was always a great pet with papa; indeed, many of our oldest friends, who knew me as a child, have since told me that he quite spoilt me. My childhood was such a golden dream, and fleeted by so quickly, that, though I am little more than thirty years of age, still I cannot at present call to mind any incident that occurred in my youth which might amuse the courteous Reader.

I was not remarkable for my beauty as a young girl, but I am told there was something very interesting in me; and my manners were so winning, that I was a general favourite with all, except the servants, who found me one too many for them.

My maiden name was B--ff--n; and my father, who was a C--l M--rch--nt, in an extensive way of business, resided in K--nt--sh T--wn, and had dealings with some of the first families in the neighbourhood. I was christened Caroline, after my mamma, who was nearly related to the R--msb--tt--ms, whose noble ancestor, F--tz-R--msb--tt--m, came into England with the Conqueror, and mamma says his name was once on the Roll of Battle Abbey. Mr. R--msb--tt--m, who was the uncle of mamma's first husband's brother's wife, is still possessed of an extensive seat near C--nt--rbury, remarkable for its antiquity.

My mamma, who was justly proud of the noble blood which flows in the veins of our family, brought my father considerable property; which, however, owing to his being of a very generous disposition, he soon ran through. So that when I was born, he was endeavouring to recruit his fortune, by carrying on the noble business of a merchant; and was even then possessed of several fine vessels, which used to come up the R--g--nt's Canal, and be moored off the sweet, pretty little wharf of his, studding its banks.

When I was about sixteen, my personal charms began to develop themselves, and having a fine thick head of hair my mamma would make me wear it in long, beautiful ringlets; and, indeed, even now my back hair is so long that it reaches much lower than my waist. My eyes, which were of light hazel, though small, were considered so full of expression, that they made up in meaning what they wanted in brilliance; while I was blessed with such a remarkably fine, clear complexion of my own, and had such an extremely high colour, that I have over and over again been accused of rouging; I have my papa's nose, which is a fine Roman, and my mamma's mouth and dimple. My greatest drawback, as a young woman, was my exceedingly bashful and retiring disposition, which used to flutter me so, that whenever I was spoken to by a stranger, it invariably threw all the blood in my body into my face; so that I seldom had a word to say for myself--which failing, indeed, I never have been able to get over even to this time.

Long before I was twenty-one, my papa had many advantageous offers for my hand, but he would accept of none of them for me; as he did not then consider me fit to enter upon the stormy path of matrimonial life, for my dear, foolish mamma would never allow me to attend to the housekeeping, from a pardonable pride she felt in her illustrious descent. So that, as things turned out, perhaps it was better that I did not get settled until I had nearly attained my twenty-sixth year.

The next day, he came to ask mamma and myself to accompany him to Madame Tussaud's Exhibition; but mamma suddenly remembered a particular call she had to make that afternoon on a friend in the opposite direction, so I was forced to go alone with him. When we were by ourselves, in "the Chamber of Horrors" there, Mr. Sk--n--st--n remarked, in a low voice, choked by emotion, upon the charms of my retiring disposition, and said that I was the very reverse of his poor, dear, sainted wife, who he was kind enough to hope and trust was in heaven.

In about a week, his attentions to me became so marked, that it was the common talk of all our friends, insomuch so that dear papa, out of an over-fondness and anxiety on my account, was obliged to ask him what his intentions were towards me; for he was fearful lest Mr. Sk--n--st--n might be one of those monsters in human form who trifle with a young girl's best affections, and then fling them aside as they would a dead pink, or any other faded flower that they had taken the bloom off of.

In this interview, Edward, whose heart I always knew was of too noble a nature ever to deal thus vilely with a poor maid, at once declared his passion, and demanded my hand, which my father joyfully gave him, together with his blessing. After this, Edward became a constant visitor at the house; and he arranged to lead me to the altar a month after the first anniversary of his sainted wife's death, so that the proper decencies of society might not be violated in our case.

I shall never forget the melancholy sentiment that filled my bosom whenever I thought of that joyful event taking place. What an awful step I was about to take! Was it for good--or for evil? Alas! who could say? Perhaps I might become the mother of several beauteous babes! What new feelings and duties would then overwhelm this heart. Was I equal to the task? Alas! who could tell? I was about to leave my dear papa's Halls, and to quit the embraces of an aged mamma, of noble ancestry, for the arms of one of whom I could know but little; yet a small still voice within me assured me that, come what might, at least Edward would treat me well. His presents to me had already shown him to be a man of great good nature, and I could not forget his affecting emotion when he implored my acceptance of the jewellery that once belonged to his sainted wife.

The night previous to the day that Edward had appointed to swear to love and cherish me in sickness and in health, and take me for better or for worse, as I sat with my dear mamma and the maid completing the body of my bridal robe, my maternal parent, with tears in her eyes, desired the maid to leave the room, as she wished to speak to me alone.

As soon as the girl had gone, my mamma told me that I was about to take an awful step, and that she hoped and trusted that it would all turn out happily. But that there was one thing that she felt it was her duty, upon my entrance into life as it were, to warn me against--one thing, on which alone domestic happiness could be built--one thing, on which I should find my comfort depended more than any other--one thing, in fact, which might strew either my path with roses, or my bed with thorns. And then she asked me what I thought this one thing was? Probably I might think she meant my husband--but no! it was something of far more consequence to me than that. Or I might think she meant fortune, or economy, or my offspring-- It was none of these, she told me--nor was it amiability of temper, or a proper pride in appearance, or marital constancy--no! these had but a trifling connexion with the peace and quiet of my future domestic life compared with that which she alluded to. In a word, she said, I should find the key-stone to all my future welfare rested upon those I should have about me. She referred to--servants. It was only by the proper management of them, she said, that I could ever expect to taste happiness; and she warned me not to govern with a light hand, but to do as she had done, and which, she assured me, was the only way of making them respect and obey me, and that was, to rule with a rod of iron. And then, telling me that her words ought to be printed in letters of gold, she bade me dry up my tears and resume my work.

Ha-ah!--Little did I then--giddy, inexperienced child that I was--see the value of the jewels that fell from dear mamma's mouth; but in my happy innocence I inwardly set them down as the words of one whose naturally sweet disposition had been soured in her dealings with this empty world. Had I but treasured up her truths in my heart, I should not have suffered as I have.

It was not until nearly midnight that we had finished my wedding garment; and when I retired to rest, I did so with a fluttering heart; and laying my head on my pillow, I said to myself--"Ah! poor Caroline! fond, foolish girl, what a plunge art thou about to make into the Book of Fate! To-morrow!--to-morrow!"

The occurrences of that day I will reserve for another chapter.

OF MY WEDDING, AND MY GETTING "SETTLED."

"I wore my bridal robe, And I rivalled its whiteness; Bright gems were in my hair; How I hated their brightness!" "WE MET."--HAYNES BAYLY.

The morrow came, and any one who could have beheld my downcast looks, and heard the sighs that came from the very bottom of my heart, would little have fancied that I was so near that interesting period of a maiden existence, which is erroneously styled the happiest moment of her life.

My mamma was good enough to say that my bridal robe fitted me admirably; remarking that, perhaps, it would have looked richer had the skirt been a trifle more full. Edward had presented me with a splendid Nottingham-lace veil to throw over my head on this occasion, and a superb "Berthe" to match. But in my then state of mind, I looked upon these articles as gaudy nothings, attaching a value to them merely as being the gifts of my bosom's lord.

My mamma tried in vain to console me. She told me that I had nothing to fear about entering into life, and begged of me to summon up all my inward woman, to give me strength to go through with it. Had she not, she asked me, prevailed upon Edward to leave his old dwelling, and take a pretty little cottage for me in P--rk V--ll--ge, R--g--nt's P--rk, so that she might always be near to me and him. And she assured me, in a gentle way, that I need not be alarmed, on account of my youthful inexperience, as she would make it a duty to superintend all my domestic arrangements until I got in the way of managing them myself; which, with my natural abilities, she fondly said, would not take me long. And she further told me that, as a start in life, she had a little surprise for me; for she had determined, that in addition to some of her best pickles and preserves, with which she intended to stock my store-room, before my return from the honeymoon, she purposed presenting me with two bottles of her celebrated cherry brandy, which she declared she would not have parted with to any one but her own flesh and blood--although her friends were always welcome to come and taste it whenever they pleased--that she alone knew the true way of making it--and that she was determined the secret should die with her. And, moreover, she said, that as, after the advice she had given me over-night, I could easily perceive how necessary it was for a young wife to have proper people about her, she would kindly relieve me of any anxiety I might feel in suiting myself with my first servant, by finding me, during my short absence from town, such a one as she, from her knowledge of these matters, would answer for proving quite a treasure. I thanked her with only a sorry smile, being at such a time unable to appreciate her goodness, for my thoughts were far--far away.

At a little after 10, the two Misses B--yl--s, whom I had selected for my bridemaids, and who are carriage people, drove up to the door in their papa's sweet little pony phaeton. Having taken off their cloaks, and changed their bonnets for the white chip ones they had brought with them in a band-box, they looked truly charming; for they are dear, good, showy girls, and were dressed in some elegant robes of book muslin, trimmed with peach-blossom, and carry themselves divinely.

When Edward arrived, I thought I never saw him look better. His hair had been beautifully curled, and he wore the blue coat, and the white trousers of plighted affection; and when he presented me with a charming bouquet, for the first time in my life, I felt the language of flowers.

My father had bespoken two handsome carriages for the festive day; and when we arrived at the church, I really thought, as we moved in procession along the pews, that my limbs would have given way under me, and that I should have dropped in the aisle.

Of the imposing marriage ceremony I recollect little or nothing. It was all a vague, misty dream to me. I was slightly conscious of a ring being put upon the third finger of my left hand, and of saying, quite mechanically, in a voice full of emotion, once or twice, "I will," though I was so overcome with a sense of the step I was taking, that I had no knowledge at the time of what I was responding to. Edward, as my mother afterwards told me, bore it very well, and quite like a man. I was delighted to learn that he was observed to pay great attention to the service, and seemed to be fully aware of what he was undertaking, in so solemn a manner, to do towards me.

The breakfast was a sumptuous repast, and included every delicacy of the season; but I remember, I was so affected, that I could only touch part of the wing of a chicken, one jelly, some lobster salad, a custard, and some wedding-cake, which was a very expensive and rich one, being one of the very best that Partrington could make.

After my papa had proposed "bumpers, and all the honours," and essayed a speech, which he could not proceed with for his emotion, poor man--but which we all knew was intended to call down a blessing on myself, and "the man who had robbed him of me"--Edward returned thanks in a beautiful speech, which he had read to me the day preceding. It was full of lovely quotations from our very best poets, and was intended to solace my poor papa and mamma for the loss of me, by assuring them that he would consider nothing on earth too good for me, and would gladly part with his last sixpence to make me happy.

Previous to leaving town that afternoon, we had some capital fun with passing some of my wedding-cake through my ring, for that sweet girl, Em--ly B--yl--s, and her angelic sister, to sleep upon.

While I changed my bridal robe, I requested my weeping mother to take care and see that a large piece of my wedding-cake was sent round to each of the better class of our friends whom we wished to have the pleasure of visiting, and to whom I had previously addressed cards and "At-homes" for that day month. And then taking a last fond look at my papa's Halls, I was led, blushing, to the carriage by dear Edward, and we were soon on the road for Brighton, having torn ourselves away from my affectionate mamma, who gave us her blessing and some sandwiches.

I will pass over the happy moments of the first fortnight of my honeymoon. We took apartments in Rottendean, near Brighton, so that we might be able to enjoy the beauty and fashion of the town, with all the quietude of the village. Here it was that Edward cemented the love he had now built up in my heart, by the present of a work-box, with a charmingly-done picture of the extremely elegant Pavilion on the lid.

Well do I remember that precious time, when, arm-in-arm, we would wander, for whole hours together, in our buff slippers, along the golden sands, talking of the happiness which we thought was never to end. All was beautiful and bright, and seemed to us both like a fairy dream, until the second Saturday after we had been there; when I received a long letter from my beloved mamma, informing me that she had not forgotten her dear Caroline; and that at last, after seeing, she should say, forty servants, she had succeeded in finding the treasure she had been seeking for me--that she had arranged to give her ?10 a year, and find her own tea and sugar, as she was just the respectable middle-aged woman that she should like to place with her pet, and had a ten years' excellent character from her last situation, which had been with a clergyman in the country. She was cleanly, even tempered, an early riser, a good plain cook, and a devout Christian; she was honest, industrious, and sober; in fact, she had just taken the pledge--although, indeed, before that, she had always had a natural aversion to spirits of all kinds--that she had arranged to have the maid in my house about four days before our leaving Brighton, so that she might have it all clean, comfortable, and tidy for us against our return to town; and my dear mamma concluded her affectionate epistle by praying in her heart that her poor, dear girl might find the woman the inestimable blessing that she confidently expected and devoutly wished her to prove to me.

I had read my dear mamma's epistle to my husband, and he remarked that he was sure it was very kind of her--very kind of her, indeed, he said--to put herself to so much trouble on our behalf. Though he hurt my feelings by adding, that he thought it might contribute more to my happiness hereafter if she were to be restrained from taking quite so active an interest in our domestic affairs for the future; for, during all his experience, he had remarked that relations by marriage agreed much better the less they saw of one another. Not that he wanted altogether to estrange me from my family--Heaven forbid! he said; but he wished his darling angel to undertake the management of his establishment herself--although he could not help allowing that my dear mamma was an excellent woman, and meant very well.

This cut me to the heart; for I had strange, melancholy forebodings of dissensions in store for us, of which I feared the over-anxiety of my dear mamma would be the cause.

After three weeks of continued happiness, we left the shores of honest Rottendean, and returned to hollow-hearted London, and I felt satisfied that my husband would no longer be displeased with dear mamma's fond care, when he found what a treasure of a maid she had procured for us.

OF THE TERRIBLE GOINGS-ON OF MY FIRST MAID, AND WHOM WE ALL EXPECTED WOULD HAVE TURNED OUT SUCH A "TREASURE."

We quitted Brighton by the stage, and had a delightful drive up as far as Tooting, where we left the coach, and stopped to rest ourselves a short time, as dear Edward was fearful lest I should over-fatigue myself by going through the entire journey at once; after which we ordered a post-chaise, and drove up to our house in great style.

It was extremely curious to see the heads of our new neighbours peeping over the blinds of their parlour windows, as our post-chaise dashed up, with lighted lamps, to our door, while the boy thundered at the knocker. I believe this trifling circumstance tickled my girlish vanity at the moment; but I'm sure my courteous readers will think the feeling very excusable, when they recollect I was as yet but a young bride.

I was greatly alarmed, and not a little surprised, to find the door answered by my dear mamma; for I was convinced that she knew her station in life too well ever to dream of doing such a thing, unless compelled by some calamity. Edward seemed to be as much annoyed as myself, and did not scruple to speak out about it; and, indeed, his feelings made him forget himself in the presence of the post-boy; for he knit his fine brow, and wondered why my dear mamma could not let the servant attend to the door. But, alas! how little did we then dream of the cause.

When all our luggage had been got into the hall, and we had dismissed the post-boy with what I'm sure was a very handsome gratuity for himself, my mamma at once broke to us the terrible news which was to welcome us home.

About three that afternoon, the good, kind soul had given herself the trouble of coming over to see that all was nice and comfortable against our arrival. She had knocked for at least a quarter of an hour, and fancying the maid might be out on an errand, she had gone a little further. But on coming back, she had found the same impossibility of making any one in the house hear. She grew extremely alarmed, though naturally far from a nervous woman, like the rest of our family. She thought the house perhaps had been stripped, and the horrid ideas that passed through her mind she told us no one could imagine. At last she determined on forcing an entrance for herself; so she borrowed a pair of steps from next door; and with extreme difficulty, and almost at the peril of some of the bones in her body, got in at the parlour window.

Down in the kitchen, she found the maid lying on her back on the rug, before the fire, in a state of complete insensibility, while our best linen sheets--which mamma had given out to her the day before, in order that they might be properly aired against our return--were hanging on the horse, burnt to perfect rags, so that they could not even be cut up into glass-cloths; and it was a mercy, she said, for which we ought to go down on our bended knees, that we did not come home and find our cottage orn? a mass of black, smouldering, heart-rending ruins.

The state into which this dreadful news threw both Edward and myself may be more easily imagined than described. Mamma's lively picture of the good-for-nothing woman's sufferings filled our hearts at the time with pity for the disreputable creature. We all thought it was a fit, and that the slut was afflicted with epilepsy; but alas! it was much worse than that; and she was, therefore, totally undeserving of all sympathy. Though we were then so wrapt up in the woman, that we were unable to see through the minx; which fully convinces me of the truth of the popular saying--"that we are all blind mortals."

I was even forced to stoop to light the fire myself; and my fair readers may well imagine my feelings when I tell them that there was scarcely even a bundle of wood in the establishment. As soon as it was fairly alight, I gave the bellows to poor Edward, who not being, as he said, "used to that sort of thing," was consequently in a great passion; so I left him alone to blow up the fire, while I went to see that deceitful bit of goods, with the epilepsy, as I thought, up in the front attic--for my mother had put her to bed during her fit--

When I got there, I found my dear mamma standing by the bed-side with a brandy-bottle, giving her some of the liquor in a dessert-spoon, with the view of bringing her back to her senses. Asking mamma how the poor thing was, she told me that she had given her some spirits before, and it seemed to do her a world of good, for she had gone off to sleep afterwards. Presently, the girl opened her eyes, and from the dull, leaden expression they had, I was quite shocked; for at the time she appeared to me to be literally standing at death's door. I shook her gently, and asked her how she felt herself now. Upon which she made an effort to speak; but the woman was no longer herself, for she had entirely lost the use of her tongue, and there was no getting anything out of her. My mamma, however, thought she would be able to understand, even if she could not speak; and told Mary that it was very wrong and wicked of her not to have said that she was subject to fits before she entered our service, and tried to learn whether they were periodical or not, but all to no purpose. So we both left her; and I remarked to mamma, as we came down stairs, that, though I should have felt myself bound to have mentioned the circumstance of her fits in her character, still the omission was very excusable in her late mistress; for it really would have been like taking the bread out of the poor creature's mouth, which no true lady could be expected to do.

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