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Read Ebook: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang Vol. 3 No. 27 November 1921 America's Magazine of Wit Humor and Filosophy by Various Fawcett W H Wilford Hamilton Editor
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Ebook has 388 lines and 23159 words, and 8 pages
An old lady, at the conclusion of the war, was paying a visit to Madame Jarley's Wax Works. Carefully sizing up a group of figures representing various ancient queens, including Queen Elizabeth and Mary Queen of Scots, she asked an attendant if they wore any underwear under this gorgeous raiment. The attendant replied:
"No, ma'am, they don't wear any, but the public of course thinks they do. The only visitors we've 'ad as knows they don't are some Australian soldiers."
Hot Tamales
Two jolly traveling men viewed with unmingled pleasure the charms of a beautiful maiden who sat opposite them in the palatial Twentieth Century Limited. To their surprise and further happiness, the fair charmer suddenly removed her stockings, turned them inside out and replaced them, being careful to roll them stylishly to half-hose length. The drummers were quite worried as to why she went through this performance. Finally one of them screwed up courage enough to ask her point blank. Here's her pert reply:
"Oh, my legs were hot and I just turned the hose on them."
An Eye Opener
She was sweet seventeen and just emancipated from the thraldom of school, but already she had her "best boy," who on some special occasion gave her a gold watch.
Some days later he inquired if she had told her friends of his little gift.
"Oh, yes," she said "all of them."
"Did you say who gave it to you?"
"Of course not," replied the artless maiden. "We always gave one kiss for each chocolate at school. But for a gold watch! Well, I thought it best to say mamma gave it to me."
Oh, scissors, let's cut up.
Heard On the Toonerville
It was pitch dark along the road and had anybody been listening in the shrubbery they would have heard the voice of a woman remonstrating with a man. "I won't," exclaimed the woman, "I think you are a brute."
"You'll either do what I say or get out and walk home," roared the deep voice of the man.
"All right, I'll walk," said the woman, "but wait till I tell my husband. I paid my fare and you rang it up just before we left the city limits," and she indignantly left the street car.
Ring On, Oh Bells
Bright's wife prided herself on being resourceful and after waiting in another room while her husband talked for half an hour with a gentleman in the parlor she turned the alarm clock so it rang a second and then called, "John, you are wanted on the phone." The caller said good-bye and John came back to his wife with an amused smile. "Well, that's one way to get rid of them," said friend wife. "What did he want?" "Oh, nothing," replied her husband, "he was just a solicitor trying to get me to have a telephone put in."
For Freedom
Convict--"I'm here for having five wives."
Visitor--"How are you enjoying your liberty?"
We have referred your inquiry to Pedro.
Turpentine.
A singer that gets a week and sends 0 home to mother.
Long enough to warp the hands on an asbestos alarm clock.
"Getting Gertie's Garter" is one of the biggest hits of the season.
Quite right, Legit. The "movies" ought to tone down their titles so as to make them drab and commonplace and on a par with such stage successes, as "Mary's Ankle," "Up in Mabel's Room," "Twin Beds," and the recent Broadway hit, "Getting Gertie's Garter." The last must have been some job.
A golf hazard is getting stung by a bee in a rough. Don't know what Taft playing golf reminds of unless it's a hippopotamus playing tiddlywinks.
The best way is to watch how he wears his evening clothes--or pajamas. The first is preferable for single folk.
Paint, powder, padding and false hair.
Pick the bones out of a quart of strawberries. Add two pounds of borrowed sugar. Throw in a quart of oyster shells and three raisins. If it is good that's the surprise.
Deerskin, bearskin and moleskin probably would suit your tastes. Moleskin is very popular nowadays. No matter where the mole is the skin can be worn to show it.
It depends on how strong the badger is. In the usual badger fight, too, much depends on the proficiency shown in the art of releasing the badger.
The chicken.
Adhering strictly to Queens-Gooseberry rules, I cheerfully submit the following: "Maid One; Maid Won; Made One."
Styles start in Paris but we finish 'em here.
Yes, indeed--here in Robbinsdale and elsewhere. The South American puma is said to agitate its tail-tip to entice grazing, curious creatures. The white underneath part of several varieties of deer are said to be used as a guide for other members of the herd. The horse uses his tail as a sun shade for the driver. Probably there are other animals that use their tails, but as we have never taken our post-graduate degree in tail technology, this meager answer will have to suffice for the present.
"Platonic Love" means that you can kiss her all you want and forget she is a woman. But there ain't no such animal.
We wouldn't be surprised. Fatty has been acting rather funny for several months.
We wonder how Mary Miles Minter likes the idea of the battleship "New Mexico" being sent up to Puget Sound Navy Yard to have her bottom scraped. It is said the "New Mexico" carried away a handsome young officer "in the middle of a reel."
Dorothy Dalton has been seen dancing often of late at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles with her millionaire "angel," Godsell, of the Goldwyn Film Company.
Bebe Daniels and Jack Dempsey, the pugilist, as the press agents of the film companies may have told you, have been seen chattering in the jungle at the Ambassador Cocoanut Grove.
Wanda Hawley has been vacationing at Catalina. Her hair has lately been bobbed and has lost its former brownishness, for it is now corn-tassel white. Wanda occupied a table in the center of the huge dining room of the St. Catherine Hotel and often dined with a tanned, slender, and quiet young man. Star and escort looked decidedly bored.
Thompson Buchanan, Lasky scenario chieftain, is encouraging Helene Chadwick in her film career.
Kathleen Clifford, clad in sports clothes and sandals, steps nights with a handsome dark stranger.
Herbert Rawlinson, with a couple of minor actor friends in tow, spent a month at Catalina. Roberta Arnold, Herbert's wife, seemed to be "somewhere on location" for she was not in those parts. The adoration of some hundreds of grammar school girls seemed centered on handsome Herb and his marvelous physique.
Marshall Neilan's "all in a minute" scenario writer, Lucita Squire, is still in the game.
We know nothing about the scenario business but it is reported from the camps that Gouverneur Morris has discovered one of those "all in a minute" scenario writers in Ruth Wightman, and that she is now adapting his stories for the screen.
May McAvoy and Eddie Sutherland are stepping about together.
Clara Kimball Young is playing the navy.
The same day Charley Chaplin was being carried on the shoulders of his admirers in London, that other world's famous film comedian, "Fatty" Arbuckle, was being shouldered along to jail by policemen for his connection with the death of a motion picture actress in a San Francisco hotel.
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