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for great rejoicing? That happiness consists not in killing others, but in sacrificing oneself?'
We have a yet safer record of Tolstoy's feelings in his Diary, in which about this time he noted down the following reflections concerning the chief faults he was conscious of in himself:
In another passage, indicating quite a different phase of consciousness, he writes:
For some time past repentance for the loss of the best years of life has begun to torment me, and this since I commenced to feel that I could do something good.... There is something in me which compels me to believe that I was not born to be like everybody else.
In May we find him going on furlough to Pyatig?rsk to drink the mineral water and to be treated for rheumatism. This is his description of Pyatig?rsk, written nearly twenty years later in his Reading Book for Children:
The whole place where the town stands is very gay. From the mountain flow hot springs, and at the foot of the mountain flows the river Podko?mok. The mountain slopes are wooded, all around are fields, and afar off one sees the great Caucasian mountains. On these the snow never melts, and they are always as white as sugar. When the weather is clear, wherever one goes one sees the great mountain, Elbrus, like a sugar cone. People come to the hot springs for their health; and over the springs, arbours and awnings have been erected, and gardens and paths have been laid out all around. In the morning a band plays, and people drink the waters, or bathe, or stroll about.
Il y a une trop grande diff?rence dans l'?ducation, les sentiments et la mani?re de voir de ceux que je rencontre ici pour que je trouve quelque plaisir avec eux. Il n'y a que Nicolas qui a le talent, malgr? l'?norme diff?rence qu'il y a entre lui et tous ces messieurs, ? s'amuser avec eux et ? ?tre aim? de tous. Je lui envie ce talent, mais je sens que je ne puis en faire autant.
There is too great a difference in the education, the sentiments, and the point of view of those I meet here, for me to find any pleasure in their company. Only Nicholas, in spite of the enormous difference between him and all these gentlemen, has the talent to amuse himself with them, and to be loved by all. I envy him this talent, but feel that I cannot do the same.
He mentions that for some time past he has acquired a taste for reading history, and says that he perseveres in his literary occupations. He had already three times rewritten a work he had in hand, and intended to rewrite it again. He felt much more content with himself at this time, and adds:
Il y a eu un temps o? j'?tais vain de mon esprit et de ma position dans le monde, de mon nom; mais ? pr?sent je sais et je sens que s'il y a en moi quelque chose de bon et que si j'ai ? en rendre gr?ce ? la Providence, c'est pour un coeur bon, sensible et capable d'amour, qu'il lui a plu de me donner et de me conserver.
There was a time when I was vain of my intelligence, of my position in the world, and of my name; but now I know and feel that if there is anything good in me, and if I have anything to thank Providence for, it is for a good heart, sensitive and capable of love, which it has pleased it to give me and to preserve in me.
On 29th June he again notes in his Diary:
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